Adult Bullying: Under the Bully’s Influence

Posted by: Jonathan Delisle on May 13, 2015 12:47 pm

This blog post on bullying has to do with the short-term effects that bullying has on the victims while under the bully’s influence.  The points I will be explaining are taken from Marie-France Hirigoyen’s book “Le harcèlement moral: la violence perverse au quotidien”.  Although the points are mainly hers, I will be explaining them in my own words. The following points are tell-tale signs that we, counsellors, may have a victim of bullying sitting in front of us.

Standing Down: Victims of bullying generally stand down out of fear of undesired consequences: retaliation, break up, guilt-trip, humiliation, loss, etc.  The bully will use this fear as leverage, thus mentally paralyzing his victim.

Confusion:  Most of the bullying is passive-aggressive and ambiguous at the onset, which leaves room to doubt the aggressive nature of the actions committed or the woalone ballrds spoken.  As a result of the confusion, it is not uncommon over time for the individual to experience poor concentration, frequent loss of train of thought, delayed reactions, reduced ability to perform complex intellectual activities, etc.

Self-doubt:  The bully sees to it that the victim think that he is guilty about what happens and yet feel powerless to do anything about it.  Self-doubt in the face of the violence suffered creates paralyzing confusion. As the victim becomes defenseless, he also becomes the scapegoat upon whom the aggressor puts all of his own insecurities, faults, flaws, etc…
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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Adult Bullying: It’s a Reality

Posted by: Jonathan Delisle on April 29, 2015 2:52 pm

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If you were to ask your clients what bullying is, some would identify events where they felt violated or pushed around by others. Some would recall an incident that made them feel targeted by others. Still some would think of specific people with whom they had negative experiences. Many would probably think back to that school bully. We’ve all experienced bullying and can say something about it, but it’s not easy to define it. It has a source. It has consequences. It has patterns.

Bullying isn’t a problem that exists in schools and children’s lives only. It is a problem that is very much present in the adult world. Anyone is capable of bullying, regardless of age, maturity, beliefs, or moral values. “Sometimes it looks different or is called by different names: sexual harassment, stalking, workplace aggression, or scapegoating. But like in childhood, bullying is one person controlling or harming someone else by use of power.” (Harmon, 2012)   As counsellors and psychotherapists, we deal mostly with the aftermath of the abuse.

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Failure or Opportunity? The Benefits of Shifting Our Views on the Meaning of School

Posted by: Anna Coutts on April 10, 2015 10:44 am

Learn /lərn/: to gain or acquire knowledge of or skill in (something) by study, experience, or being taught.learn

School is supposed be about learning. Unfortunately, it often seems our society is forgetting what learning is all about. In my practice, I’ve worked with increasing numbers of bright, talented and eager-to-learn youth who are unable to “succeed” at school. Many have become so overwhelmed by depression and anxiety about having to excel academically that they’ve ended up in hospital or have simply stopped attending.

For many kids, it isn’t this extreme. However, more and more youth are feeling the pressure to “get the grades.” Ask almost any teenager about what is more important, understanding the material or getting an A, and I guarantee you most would go with the latter. Yet it’s no wonder they feel so overwhelmed: all around them are frantic parents and teachers, instilling fear in youth that not getting the right grades will lead to failure in life. Failing a test, or worse, failing a class or a grade are seen as catastrophes that can destroy a person’s chance at a happy, prosperous life.

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

The Power of Parental Acceptance

Posted by: Anna Coutts on March 18, 2015 12:00 pm

I recently re-read the award-winning book The Help. While the book carries many important messages, there is one message in particular that really stood out for me. It was the message about the importance of acceptance. I was struck by just how determined the main character Aibileen is to make sure the child she nannies grows up feeling good about herself. In order to make sure this happened, she tells the child daily she is kind, smart and important. Aibileen reflects on how she’s learned over the years the value of giving children messages of love and acceptance, as she has seen how too many pushes for change can devastate a child’s sense of self. It made me realize how powerful feeling accepted by a parent can be for a child.dualism-597093_640

Every parent wants the best for their child. They want them to be happy, healthy and successful. Most parents will bend over backwards trying to give a good life to their child. Unfortunately, sometimes in an effort to make things better, we inadvertently make things more difficult. I see it all the time – parents pushing their kids to excel at school or sports, convinced that pushing them will give them a prosperous life. They will fight tooth and nail with teachers to get their kids out of difficult situations and to protect their kids from perceived harm. They fear the emotional devastation that will be caused if their child doesn’t go to the best school or have the best friends or make the best team. They push for change because they believe it is what will give their child everything they want.

No one can fault them for their good intentions. They are trying to do something wonderful for someone they love. The problem is this constant push for the best often causes us to forget the power of accepting someone as they are now. Unintentionally, the message that is often sent along with the strive for change is that who you are at the moment isn’t good enough. This is of course not at all what parents intend. But unfortunately, it is often the impact.

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

The Loss of a Child

Posted by: Asa Don Brown on October 7, 2014 12:55 pm

“To lose a child is to lose a piece of yourself.”  ~ Dr. Burton Grebin

child lossThere is no greater grief, than when a parent losses a child. As a person, I had never truly experienced such a gut-wrenching heartache, until the day that my wife and I lost a child. As a therapist, some may think that I am trained to have “all the known answers,” but the truth is, there are no answers, quick fixes, or remedies to mend the heartbreak around the loss of a child.

The loss of a child is an inconceivable and it is an unimaginable experience. While my wife and I never had an opportunity to get to know our child by physical touch, perception, or smell; we had already bonded with our developing child.

MY DAUGHTER’S HEARTACHE

The day that we were told that our child had passed on, was the most egregious experience of my life. On this very day, not only had I lost my child, but my precious and tendered hearted Delilah experienced the loss of a sibling. At the time, my daughter was a mere 5 years of age, but her cry and her mournful spirit penetrated the very nature of my being. At that moment, I recognized not only the impact that this loss had on myself, my loving wife, but the dire impact that it had on my precious daughter. For me, the loss was like an ocean of emotions consuming my person, but it was further deepened by witnessing the breach of my daughter’s innocence. Furthermore, it was the tenderness of my daughter’s cry that pierced my heart and my soul. It was like I had experienced yet a second loss, a loss of my precious daughter’s innocence and my inability to protect her from harm that broke my spirit.

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Spare the Rod

Posted by: Asa Don Brown on September 26, 2014 8:24 am

“Power is of two kinds. One is obtained by the fear of punishment and the other by acts of love. Power based on love is a thousand times more effective and permanent then the one derived from fear of punishment.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

spare the rodThe argument for corporal punishment has been the longstanding acceptance by those who have endured this form of punishment. The debate for corporal punishment has varied from religious instructions to parental rights. Corporal punishment has not only been excused by religious texts, familial familiarity, and governmental avoidance of change; it has been made allowable because of its longstanding relationship with society. “My father did not spare the rod, therefore I won’t spare the rod either.”

Parents, teachers and school administrators have frequently argued that there are no, or limited, alternatives. For a number of parents, religious leaders, teachers, and school administrators the argument is corporal punishment will realign and adjust a child’s behavior.

THE ARGUMENT FOR CORPORAL PUNISHMENT

The Canadian Parliament has ruled in Section 43 of the Criminal Code that:

Section 43 of the Criminal Code reads as follows:

            Every schoolteacher, parent or person standing in the place of a parent is justified in  using force by way of correction toward a pupil or child, as the case may be, who is  under his care, if the force does not exceed what is reasonable under the circumstance.

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

A Father’s Love

Posted by: Asa Don Brown on September 12, 2014 4:00 pm

“The heart of a father is the masterpiece of nature.”    ~ Antoine François Prévost

fatherThe word “father” may conjure varying images and degrees of reference. A father is not a perfect vessel sailing alone on the seas, but is rather a small dinghy dependent upon larger vessels to cross the larger bodies of water.

Fatherhood is a privilege, it is a gift, and it is a sacrifice. As a father, you are unofficially sworn to protect, to educate, and to defend the honor of your children. Fatherhood may feel at times as a thankless job, but remember, fatherhood is your choice, not the choice of your children. Children have no choice to embark in this game called life, rather we subject them to this life and hope that they too will succeed. As fathers, we are not called upon to be perfect, but to strive to be the best that we are equipped to be.

“To be the father of growing daughters is to understand something of what Yeats evokes with his imperishable phrase ‘terrible beauty.’ Nothing can make one so happily exhilarated or so frightened: it’s a solid lesson in the limitations of self to realize that your heart is running around inside someone else’s body. It also makes me quite astonishingly calm at the thought of death: I know whom I would die to protect and I also understand that nobody but a lugubrious serf can possibly wish for a father who never goes away.” ~ Christopher Hitchens

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Protective Factors Around Child Sexual Abuse

Posted by: Asa Don Brown on July 8, 2014 4:01 pm

“The very first part in healing is shattering the silence.”~ Erin Merryn

While the awareness around Child Sexual Abuse, CSA has increased over the past decade; the prevalence of CSA continues to be a problem throughout our society.  CSA has no economic, political, religious, cultural, or racial preference.  CSA has, and does, occur in all aspects of society.  The effects associated with CSA most commonly have a profound impact on the physical, psychological and emotional and general wellbeing of the individual.  “The wounds arising from childhood sexual abuse take many forms, but they all represent profound changes to the individual’s experience and her (his) relationship to the world.” (Fisher, 2005)” (Brown, 2005, p. 21)  For children, distinguishing between those you can trust and cannot trust is challenging.  As parents, while we need to reinforce the goodness and purity of our children; we must also equip our children with effective tools to distinguish between good and bad behaviors, communications, and personalities.  It is never too late to teach our children to be his or her best advocate.

ACTIVELY COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR CHILDREN

“It is a wise father (mother) that knows his (her) own child.” ~ William Shakespeare

As fathers and mothers, we need to actively listen.  Active listening is the ability, the skill, technique, or an inherent trait whereby, a person is purposefully and intentionally focusing on the communications being sent by another person or persons.  An active listener not only listens and receives an intended message, but is capable of paraphrasing what messages he or she has received back to the communicator.  An active listener recognizes that not all communication is verbally spoken, but is often communicated through verbal and nonverbal transmissions.  It entails good physical posture, gestures, and purposeful eye contact.

As an active listener, you will align your body towards the intended recipient.  You may lean towards the sender or receiver, maintain active eye contact, posture your body in an open form, and be relaxed while nonverbally communicating.  Active listening is also being capable of reflecting any verbal or nonverbal communication that is communicated.

As fathers and mothers, our active listening should be purposeful in our actions, reflections, and all forms of communications.  We need to seek to hear the verbal and nonverbal communications being projected from the lives of our children.

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

The Beauty of Children

Posted by: Asa Don Brown on June 17, 2014 12:00 pm

“The soul is healed by being with children.”
~ Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I was completely unaware of the absolute beauty of life until I became a father.  Fatherhood has opened my eyes beyond my own imagination.  As a father, I have learned more about myself, life, and the meaning of life; simply by viewing the physical beings gifted unto me.  Children are the window to our futures and a beacon of light in a sometimes dark world.

As a father, I have learned to appreciate each moment that I am granted to spend with my children.  Whether they are happy or sad, full of energy or laying down for a nap; I am amazed by the life that radiates out of their little bodies.

THE GIFT

“With children the clock is reset.  We forget what came before”
~ Jhumpa Lahiri

As a father, we need to actively listen to our children.  Fathers who actively listen will be the recipients of an unbelievable education, going well beyond one’s wildest of dreams.  The gift of a child goes well beyond that most descriptive of words.  Children are the essence of life.  They are capable of proving resilient in the most troubling of times, and rebounding from the greatest of falls.  They have an ability of bringing a smile on the gloomiest of faces.   It is awesome how the very life of a child is capable of resetting our thought patterns, our mindsets, and our very outlook upon the world.  The gift of a child is capable of completely changing our worldview and perceptions of life. Continue reading




*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Father Attachment Predicts Adolescent Girls’ Social and Emotional Development

Posted by: Reena Sandhu on April 1, 2014 3:48 pm

The principle focus of research on parental attachment and involvement has been about mothers and their young children, with the role of fathers relatively neglected. In addition, the study of father–child relational processes during the adolescent period has been meager, compared to mother–child influences during adolescence. The few studies on father–adolescent relationships rarely focus on the father–daughter attachment bond. Dr. Sandhu’s research study aimed primarily to consider the nature of father attachment on the social and emotional development of adolescent girls. The variables of interest were Father Attachment, Social Problems, Social Competence, and Internalizing Behavioral Problems, as perceived by adolescent girls. The archival survey data for this study were gathered from 246 adolescent females from a Catholic school between the ages of 14 and 16 years old who participated in Dr. Ferrari’s 2008 study on “Attachment, personal resources and coping in trait-anxious adolescent girls.”

Results supported the proposed hypotheses, revealing statistically significant correlations among perceived quality of Father Attachment, and adolescent girls’ Social Competence, Social Problems, and Internalizing Behavioral Problems. Together, Father Attachment, Social Competence and Social Problems accounted for over half of the variance (54.5%) of Internalizing Behavioral Problems. In addition, Father Attachment and Social Problems each uniquely predicted Internalizing Behavioral Problems in a standard multiple regression analysis. However, once Father Attachment and Social Problems were accounted for, the relationship between Social Competence and Internalizing Behavioral Problems was no longer significant.

Incorporating these findings in prevention and treatment programs could prove to be crucial, particularly for programs aimed at promoting emotional well being among adolescent girls. Specifically, these findings are important for mental health therapists on several levels. When compared to mothers, fathers rarely are included by clinicians to participate in the treatment of their children’s psychological problems. This pattern is true for single parents (e.g., separated, divorced, or never-married parents) and married or remarried parents. Offering father–daughter treatment in therapy may have important ramifications for the effectiveness of the therapy, as there has been empirical evidence that engaging fathers in therapy can enhance the therapeutic effectiveness of those services. Perhaps more educational efforts, such as highlighting the influence fathers have on their adolescent daughters’ psychosocial development, could help therapy seem more appealing to fathers. In this realm of educational training, graduate programs should include more extensive training on family systems to alert therapists to the importance of father attachment on their adolescent daughters’ psychosocial development.

Furthermore, the findings indicated that social problems place adolescent girls in Catholic schools at risk for developing internalizing behavioral problems such as anxiety, depression, and somatic complaints, but also inhibit social competence in girls. This interaction likely has a bidirectional and transactional influence on each element; that is, social problems lead to internalizing behavioral problems, which in turn leads to more social problems. These findings are clinically significant for educators and mental health practitioners treating adolescent girls at subclinical levels of emotional and social problems. Specifically, research affirms that more targeted prevention programs are cost effective, practical, and beneficial in the long run to help adolescent girls with subclinical problems, compared to adolescent girls with internalizing disorder.

Dr. Sandhu’s research offers greater understanding of the role fathers play in their adolescent daughters’ lives and the influences fathers have on their daughter’s social and emotional development from the perspective of Canadian Catholic adolescent girls’ self-reports. The current study adds to the limited existing literature on father–daughter attachment. However, more research is needed to fully understand fatherhood as a construct and to make the role of fathers one that is publically visible and highly appreciated.

By: Dr. Reena Sandhu

 




*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA