One of the wonderful benefits of therapy is increased insight into our personal patterns. Some patterns have evolved from habits, while others are familial patterns that we have learned growing up. But whatever the source, these patterns have a strong hold in our lives and our decisions.

It has been my observation over the years that most of us experience the same patterns in our lives over and over with slightly different overtones. Have you ever heard of the idea in which we chose partners that are very similar? Most of us play out the same roles and challenges with different people and usually we are not aware of the pattern in which we are entrenched. An example can include being attracted over and over people who are married, over indulge in alcohol, spend an excessive amount of time and money on their looks, etc. Fill in your own blank. Very often, however, we play out these familiar patterns in various aspects of our lives such as work, health and relationships in general.

Personal insight brings with it freedom. As we become conscious of our belief systems and the reasons behind our behaviors and actions, we can then chose to change and thus break free from patterns we have played out for years. When this occurs, we are then in control of our lives rather than constantly reacting to environmental and/or emotional factors around us.

Overcoming personal patterns correlates with an increased feeling of freedom, sense of control, happiness and overall well being. Can you identify your personal patterns?

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We are going to talk about two types of clients I often interact with during the course of my profession. There is the client that has identified a problem or challenge and want to get to the root of the issue. Then there is the other type that calls only when they are immediately presented with a problem, get help to resolve it or cope and then disappear until the next major crisis. In all earnest, most people fall in the middle of the continuum but most of us have the tendency toward one extreme.

The comprehensive client seriously engages in psychotherapy until they have increased their personal insight and have learned how to best deal and transcend the situation. The length of counselling is not an issue but rather the process and the self development that comes along with therapy. They show up to all of their sessions with a determination to “conquer” the challenge and grow as a result. At the end of counselling, they have greatly matured and have gained great wisdom about themselves.

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A friend sought counselling after his divorce but was not completely satisfied with his counsellor and stopped his therapy, never receiving the full benefit of psychotherapy after a major transition in his life. Later, when I learned this, I asked him why he didn’t look for another counsellor that better matched his personality. He was surprised and asked, “I can do that? I can change counsellors?”

This is a theme that has come to my attention on several occasions. People go to one counsellor, and for whatever reason, are not completely satisfied with the process and write off psychotherapy as being a waste of time or nonsense. As I have written in past articles, psychotherapy is based on an intimate therapeutic relationship. And just like in any intimate relationship, such as a friendship or significant partner, we don’t just “click” with everyone or feel comfortable “exposing” our real selves to just anyone.
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You have been engaged in therapy and have made gains in your insight and have changed the behavior that wasn’t in your best interest. You are very pleased with your progress and are feeling good about yourself and your abilities. You have also established a trusting, therapeutic relationship with your counsellor and eagerly look forward to the exchange during psychotherapy sessions. You have reached the point where you are starting to contemplate wanting to handle your life situations on your own with your new tool box of skills. But it is a bit scary to let go of the safety net. Now what?

The transition of ending counselling can bring with it some fear and anxiety along with excitement and a sense of power. You have reached a point in the therapeutic process where you are consciously aware of your strengths and abilities to not only cope with life’s challenges but to also thrive and grow under the circumstances. What an empowering place to be! Simultaneously, you might be experiencing the anticipation of separation anxiety from your counsellor or maybe you are afraid you might hurt his or her feelings by ending therapy.

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Most of us have incessant chatter in our heads and the majority of the time we are even unaware of it. If you take time and consciously listen to the steady stream of thought processes, you will probably be shocked at all the negativity and limiting beliefs that you will encounter. Even positive people that see the glass as half full are bombarded by an unconscious stream of negative thought processes.

Where does this come from? It is thought that most of this negativity comes from messages we picked up as children. Children are sponges, especially up to the age of 5 or 6. Good intentioned parents, teachers, caregivers tell children “Don’t climb the tree because you will fall.”, “You can’t go on the fair ride because you are too short or young.”, “Get in line and listen to my instructions!”, “Be quiet, you talk too much.”  We all heard messages like these and have even repeated them to children in our lives. Since we tend to focus on the negative rather than the positive, these messages get “stuck” in our subconscious stream and impact our self-esteem, goals and motivation in all aspects of our lives. There is a correlation between the frequency and intensity of the messages we experienced and the impact on our thoughts.

The good news is that we are able to change our thoughts by becoming conscious of them and “reframing” them. Reframing means thinking about a situation with a new perspective; spinning a positive twist on a situation. This is a very empowering tool. It is very simple and an effective stress reliever. It allows the person to change the meaning of a particular event, thus decreasing anxiety or even suffering associated with those thoughts. A qualified counsellor can teach you this tool.

In our fast paced society where information is being processed at a record speed through social media, television and radio, it is challenging to slow down. As technology continues to exponentially develop, with computers and software being outdated as quickly as later in the same year that they premiered, human beings are often overwhelmed and exhausted trying to keep up. We have not even mentioned our regular responsibilities such as work, relationships, children, etc. And many of us try to squeeze in play, recreation, rest and service such as volunteering or helping out in our communities and/or churches.

Counselling provides you with a time out from life. You slow down, engage in an intimate relationship, dig down and express genuine, if not often hidden feelings, to convey the “authentic you” and  be fully accepted in a non-judgmental environment. How many of us crave a simpler life? Psychotherapy and counselling provide us the time, opportunity and process to spend on ourselves. We often forget that we are our most valuable asset and that we need to take the necessary time to take care of ourselves. So often we put our career, significant other, children, elderly parents, obligations and other responsibilities first and we feel that our fuel tank is empty.

Counselling provides the perfect setting to receive support, redefine your goals, get to know your true feelings, work through personal blocks and emerge your best self. The personal investment in yourself is often multiplied in the value of the outcome when it increases your insight, belief in yourself and dreams and ability to cope with challenges.

Maritza Rodriguez-Arseneau

There is still much stigma attached to getting help or treatment for a mental health problem/illness. While most people do not hesitate to seek out a doctor or go to an emergency room when they feel physically ill or have had an accident and have suffered a physical trauma, such as a broken bone, most suffer in silence when it comes to mental health issues.

The fact is, however, that most of us face challenges in our lifetime that cause anxiety, depression and/or self-doubt that negatively impact some aspect of our life such as work or our relationships. There still seems to be an underlying assumption that a person is “weak” if they admit these feelings or seek help when one feels overwhelmed or unsure of what direction to take in life or how to solve a problem. Many individuals seek answers from family and friends, but when the support network is unable to provide the assistance or guidance necessary, the person feels alone, isolated and confused.

If we, as a culture, can accept that we all have life challenges that have the potential of negatively impacting our physical, mental and/or social health and seek out the appropriate interventions before the situation becomes dire, we can be empower to receive the guidance or treatment to give us the tools to cope with the situation at hand. Thus, instead of being “weak”, we can actually grow and become stronger in the face of the problem. It takes courage to admit when we need help and it is empowering to overcome a problem with the appropriate mind set, attitude and beliefs. Admittedly, we have improved as a society in seeking mental health treatment, but much more education and tolerance continues to be necessary in this arena.