The Power of a Healthy Friendship

Posted by: Asa Don Brown on April 21, 2023 3:43 pm

There is something rather unique about the bonding that takes place between two individuals. As we develop as infants and toddlers, we learn many of our social, moral and ethical cues from our parents or primary caregivers. We learn the difference between right and wrong, our likes and dislikes, and the ability to trust or distrust another. It is the quality of this relationship that reinforces our sense of self. The parental relationship has a distinct bearing upon our overall psychological makeup and the way with which we see the world. Yet, research has shown that while parents or caregivers play a significant role in the development of a child; there remains something rather striking about an authentic friendship.

We know that friendships have had a significant role in the development of the human consciousness. It has been debated whether or not the urge for friendship is stimulated by a collective consciousness or an individual consciousness. Research has indicated that friendships are a unique blend of the individual and the collective. It is this unique weaving of the individual and the collective consciousness that appears to be the foundations for friendship.

Why are we drawn towards total strangers? What is it about friendship that we crave as a species? Friendships are not unique to homo sapiens, rather there are many examples throughout the animal kingdom of such binding relationships. Until recently, researchers often refrained from describing the bond that occurs between animals as “friendship.” Dr. Lauren Brent who is a primatologist and professor at Duke University, is conducting research on rhesus macaques. She is looking specifically at the quality and development of relationships and friendships amongst the rhesus macaques. According to the National Geographic, “Rhesus macaques are familiar brown primates with red faces and rears. They have close-cropped hair on their heads, which accentuates their very expressive
faces. Rhesus macaques are Asian, Old World monkeys… These intelligent animals can adapt to many habitats, and some can even become accustomed to living in human communities.” Dr. Brent’s research suggests that the rhesus macaques do indeed develop lifelong friendships. It is this research and others that lends one to think that just maybe we are innately predisposed to friendship. Furthermore, science has revealed that friendship was an evolutionary response to ensuring that the human species would thrive and survive. Without the contribution of others, our species may not have survived.

Friendships are a fascinating aspect of the human experience. It is not uncommon for childhood friendships to develop through social constructs, such as attending the same school, religious venues, extracurricular activities or living in the same neighbourhood. Similarly, adults continue this trend by connecting with work colleagues, neighbours, and through a variety of other social constructs.

Friendships play a significant role in this thing called life. It is commonly expected that friendships will naturally take a backseat to familial events, circumstances and decisions. After all, we have no familial loyalty or structure to those that we call friends. We also know that as adults that there may be extended periods of time that we do not engage with our friends. For most individuals, this is an acceptable behavior for this particular construct. Likewise, there is something intrinsically special about choosing a friend. Often times, we develop friendships out of thin air. Think about it for a moment. Friendships are unlike family, in that, there are no familial obligations or considerations bonding you together. Consider the following: the next time you are walking in a park, pay close attention to how young children and youth engage. It is not uncommon for a child to befriend a virtual stranger. Again, friendships often occur out of thin air. There is something dynamic about friendships.

There is something uniquely special about choosing a friend. I have heard patients declare that they can choose their friends, but they are stuck with their families. What is it about having an ability to choose a friend? Are friendships that much different from other relationships? If so, why are they different from other relationships?

Friendships are an evolving aspect of the relationship paradigm. As children, we might knock on our neighbour’s door begging for their child to come out and play. As youth, we continue this cycle, but with more independence and freedom to make such a request. Of course, technology has had its clutches on the ever-evolving changes that is occurring within friendships. The likelihood of knocking may sadly be a thing of the past, but the truth is, children still rely upon the permission of the parents or caregiver. As we enter adulthood, many find themselves spending less and less quality time with their friends and more and more time with their families, work colleagues and other associates.

While social media has made it possible to keep in touch with mass groups of individuals, research is discovering that many of these “so-called” friendships are shallower than before. It may be because we tend to embrace friendships that may have otherwise fizzled with time. Social media has violated this natural function of relationships. Whereas,before the relationship would go through a variety of stages including the loss of the relationship; rather, we now tend to clasp on to these individuals collecting them like
bottle caps.

Social media has a damning effect. For many individuals seem to be incapable of moving beyond their own mistakes. We have all known someone who reminds us of our past. We have all known someone who is more than willing to share our mistakes, our mishaps, and our misunderstandings. Unfortunately, social media does not allow for the individual to grow and move beyond what has occurred in his or her past. Let’s return to what is friendship? Friendship is the ability to connect with another. It is this ability to share in common interest, desires, and achievements. It is also having an ability to connect when times are not so rosy. It is in these particular times that we tend to grow together, bonding over the situation, circumstance or event. Friendships are naturally woven together by these experiences.

An authentic friend does not need to receive a daily, weekly, monthly, or even a yearly call. An authentic friend remains loyal during the difficult times. An authentic friend is willing to be assertive and accountable when the times call for it. An authentic friend understands that friendship is an ever-evolving relationship bound to be complicated, but commonly comprised of mutual respect.

Throughout our lives, we will encounter many individuals. We may have the privilege of developing lifelong friends. We may elect to develop different sets of friendships throughout the many stages of our lives. We may even elect to move beyond a friendship for reasons related to our own mental health and wellbeing. Remember that friendships are never perfect, but authentic friends should always look at empowering you.

Most of all, what does it take to develop a healthy friendship? Healthy friendships and relationships occur through mutual respect and understanding. You cannot simply “click” a healthy friend into being. Healthy friendships and relationships transpire over time with trust, dignity and active communication. It is these types of relationships that are fortified by the individual loyalties that create a unique bond. Likewise, such relationships are based on a mutual admiration and ambition towards a particular outcome. At the end of the day, authentic friends have chosen to be friends. They are well aware of one another’s flaws, attributes, compliments and personalities. It is this type of friendship that we should all strive for, but such friendships can only evolve over time with dedication unto one-another. The ultimate power of a healthy friendship occurs through the ability of having an authentic friend.

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Sometimes I Just Want to Cry Out

Posted by: Barry D'Souza on April 14, 2023 3:24 pm

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The pit in her stomach began to appear April 2, 2020. She spoke of all that she was tending to. The stress of preparation and anticipation anxiety of the ‘death do they part’. What is that pit saying, trying to say, I wondered. I wondered if she had been listening to her body. I guess maybe in her own way. My wondering out loud became her own wondering check-in loop. Trying to put words to the pit. Months later when she returned, the pit had become something more real for her when it manifested as an acid reflex.

“Sometimes I want to just cry out,” she had pumped her arms anxiously in the moment, to show me. It wasn’t triumph, I saw the human in her. There was the ‘what will I do? How will I live without him? The summer and fall came and went. It was nice to hear from her again.

« I have heard that yogis can control their heart rate and blood pressure. It feels like I can feel the acid swelling within.” What the yogis do is like biofeedback. It is said in yogic terms, control your breath, live life with full awareness agency. We can all practice that feedbacking awareness. Imagine that you offer a gentle rub to the gurgling acid just as it might seem to be popping the herniated membrane. It might be calming. She nodded, “but who really knows”.

Who really knows. She was fascinated and importantly, all caught up on the possible research on his behalf, including a second opinion with one of the leading oncologists in the field, so why not turn to the acid reflux pit in her stomach and hear what it is saying! There’d be time for her. Not in the final sense, just in the sense, there wasn’t anything else she could do! She was grateful that their lives had been as normal as they had been. She’d been able to do all that keeps her happy, while looking after him.

Now, the eve of a trip back home, not knowing what it might hold, he was losing weight, he had lost a lot of weight and we sat in silence a moment and I think, I sighed. She took the cue.

“The pit in my stomach is not so much the ‘this is getting to me’” as it is ‘how will I do? and how will life be on her own?’. It could be an experiment reading her body signs. She is seeing that engaging a mind-body dialogue and awareness could be helpful towards self-knowledge. She could count her blessings. She could feel a terror. The arms pumped in the air again. This time there was an inaudible shrieking.

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Our Words, What Is Said and How They Ring Home

Posted by: Barry D'Souza on April 5, 2023 12:14 pm

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“So the harmony is hard to come by this past week?” I said to client #1. The next week, he came back quite upset as he had upset his wife – he had taken home the question and spoke to the ‘harmony’ with his wife ! Sessions later, he reported his wife was upset with me. He didn’t say it as such, but I presumed that she felt I was putting ideas about harmony into his head.

“Just now, when you said you wish for the strength to not cower, I had this picture of you pulling out and cracking open a can of spinach!” I shared with client #2. He laughed and motioned to do the emptying of the can and gulping like Popeye. Needing some strength at the right moment, a confidence booster. Within a few sessions he was more at ease with the fact that he was “working up to it”, building his courage, wanting to confront his fear so that he could be in contact with her.

The things that pass through the mind. The things we say to our clients! The things we say – part of our presence and engagement; part of our “countertransference” in the lexicon of some; part of our appreciation of what is seeming to be the case, the reality. The things we say – part of the imaginal effort to connect that which in the layering of experience are potentially useful ways clients might see the things. And how do we know when it is skillful use of ourselves, when we share back with clients?

These two clients I reference, male, both in the ‘young old’ of early retirement, were both similarly confronting themselves as partners, similarly experiencing their wives as “scary”, both for valid, but different reasons. Both clients were taking therapy in the good stride of personal exploration and open to insights on how to make shifts in how they are and what they want to live or are not wanting to live in their relationships anymore. Both had a sense of humour and seemingly feeling humour helpful to ease toward the not so easy of themselves or of life situations at home. Both were open to seeing the relevance of the ‘not-so’ adaptive child, in Terry Real perspectives, at work in themselves or in their partners, in their couple dynamic. This background I hope is a little helpful to what I want to say about the things we say to clients, how we say them and when we say them.

I gave voice to those two passing thoughts and as such they became interventions with a powerful impact. I don’t see client #1 anymore and my guess is because I might have helped bring out that which was there, that which he couldn’t quite get out himself, and perhaps he as regards to his couple, was not wanting to topple the balance. I think as a therapist that sometimes we are performing a “conversational analysis”, something linguistic anthropologists do as they aim to understand semantic meaning. Reading between the lines, a practice that one can do responsibly, checking-in for resonance. As therapists, we help clients hear themselves, their feelings and put words towards a fuller awareness. Typically, and humbly I should say, I feel good about the ease, comfort and safety of the space that I construct with clients. I have come to trust how I am with clients, what I want to try to say, how I might come out with it, the “relational” sharing of my experience of the client. But how do I know sometimes?

‘I really enjoyed that ‘trying to build up my faith in myself’ from last time, client #2 said and he had softened his view from the high-pressured one, where he was “pathetic” and “frozen”, and kept having secondary emotion states of being upset at himself for not being able to do what his wife wanted him to, that is to stay in contact with her, no matter what, ‘til death do us part’.

I finish this blog reflection by sharing some ancient wisdom about “right speech”, coming from my life practice as Buddhist. I note what I say in my clinical notes! I note what I found myself wanting to say, but, didn’t! I read over my notes in prep for the next session and submit what I “did” or “didn’t say” to the following reflective self-query:

Is it Factual and True?
-This is 1^st person client, 2^nd person therapist, 3^rd person ‘objective’ to get at the factual/true axis
Is it Divisive? Or Will it be Connecting?
-Can our speaking promote harmony, good feeling of connection or understandin
Is it Harsh? Or is it Gentle?
-Want ‘kindness’ to be intention-orientation and to abandon speech that isn’t ‘heartful
Is it Beneficial?
-The acronym WAIT or ‘Why Am I Talking?
Is it the Right Time to Speak?
-The proper time is linked to compassion for the “other” and where the client is at and could take in what we would want to say.

By: Barry D’Souza

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Finding The Right Therapist: A Checklist

Posted by: Paula Gonzalez on March 29, 2023 9:13 pm

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If you’re reading this, you’re probably someone who has been considering the idea of therapy for some time. Perhaps you’re someone who has gone to therapy before but went through the frustrating yet informative experience of not having found a therapist who was a “good fit”. Regardless of what has brought you to this blog, finding a therapist can be a daunting process. Afterall, you’re investing time, energy, trust, and money into another person who may or may not be the right fit, knowing that when you do find it, it can be life-changing.

Looking to find right fit, though, is part of what can make this process to daunting and overwhelming. Here’s a checklist of some considerations that you may not have thought of before to get you started:

Do they have the right accreditations/credentials?
Since the act of psychotherapy is not something that is regulated by any province, just about anyone can call themselves a “therapist” or give themselves a similar title but not actually have the training, experience, and backing of a regulating college or association to ethically support clients. Accreditation is also important when leaning on extended health benefits to cover session costs since some insurance providers may only accept claims from mental health professionals of a particular designation.
Do their fees meet what I can afford?
Therapy is an investment, in terms of the time, energy, and money that goes into it. However, it is important to ensure that therapy feels accessible to you and does not become a burden. Depending on where you live, you may have several therapists to choose from, who may offer sessions at low cost, at sliding scale (often depending on what you can afford), or at full price. Make sure to find one that will meet your financial needs so that you can actually be present and engaged in your work instead of worrying about the cost!
Do they possess traits that could make me feel safe?
This one is more vague, but that’s because it can include any aspects of a therapist (beyond clinical approach) that would be helpful in making you feel safe with them. This can include anything from personality traits, training, cultural affiliation, gender, among other factors. Though trust is something that naturally develops over time no matter who your therapist is, but it is crucial that you can connect and feel confident about your therapist.

Does their availability match mine?
Similar to the point above about fees, it’s important to be mindful of your availability to prevent therapy from becoming an added stressor for you. With regards to availability, check in with yourself about what days and times would work best for you to schedule a therapy appointment, without there being overlap with work, school, or other commitments. It is also important to ensure that your therapist has availability that would be able to accommodate the frequency of sessions you’re looking for.

Making the choice to seek professional support for your mental health is an incredibly courageous yet sometimes overwhelming decision because it can be intimidating to know where to start. The internet fortunately has tons of reputable resources that could remove some of the stress that comes with this decision. Ultimately, this is a decision that is yours to make and something that you can take your time with because it will be worth it in the end.

Stay tuned for more tips on finding the right therapist for you.

Paula Gonzalez, MCP, CCC, RP, is the founder of Infinite Horizons Psychotherapy (www.infinitehorizonspsychotherapy.com). She specializes in empowering young adults experiencing anxiety through psycho-education and trauma-informed CBT.

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Corporal Punishment: Rethinking Parental Correction

Posted by: Asa Don Brown on March 21, 2023 12:23 pm

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The World Health Organization declares “Corporal punishment is linked to a range of negative outcomes for children across countries and cultures, including physical and mental ill-health, impaired cognitive and socio-emotional development, poor educational outcomes, increased aggression and perpetration of violence.”

Gabriel and her friends are play wrestling in their home. Gabriel’s parents have long insisted that Gabriel and her friends are not allowed to wrestle or tussle inside their home. However, one fateful afternoon, Gabriel and her best friend are vigorously scuffling around her father’s office, when luck has it, they knock over her father’s prized hockey trophy. The trophy tumbles off the a shelf bringing several other items rapidly tumbling to the floor. Her father’s prized trophy and several other items lie fragmented throughout the room. Gabriel is immediately shaken by this mishap. She is aware of her parent’s rules and the consequences of misbehaving. She seldom disobeys her parents out of fear of the known consequences. As she reflects on the last time a mishap occurred, she vividly recalls the spanking received by her father. It left a negative impression. She’s well aware of her parent’s belief system on spanking. She knows that if she misbehaves, or acts out, that she will be dealt with accordingly. She has long heard her parent’s stance on “sparing the rod and spoiling the child.”

While the story of Gabriel is fictional, it is reflected in many homes, schools, dormitories and foster placements. A child makes a mistake and they are punished with severe physical consequences.

What would happen, if the courts and legislative body embolden employers to use corporal punishment? What would be your personal reaction? Would you stand for your employer spanking you the next time you get out of line, backtalk, or simply stood up for yourself? Would you be at odds with your employer? Or, would you feel that your employer was justified for spanking you?

What would happen, if the courts and legislative body embolden the police with the right to spank their clients? Would you allow for some police officer to force you to bend over your vehicle? Would you be okay taking lashes for driving over the speed limit? Would you be bothered that a police officer has the judicial right to make such decisions on the spot?

Let’s take it one step further, what if, your son or daughter were traveling overseas to a country that corporal punishment was enforceable? What if, they committed a crime that might be perceived in your country as mischief? Or, perhaps a simple misdemeanor? What if, in your community, the punishment typically involved a fine and community service, but rather than the child receiving community service or a stiff fine, they are forced to face several lashes for vandalism? How would you react? What would be your overall gut impression? Well, in the spring of 1994, an American student, Michael Fay was charged and convicted of vandalism in Singapore. Under ordinary circumstances, Michael Fay should have received a stricter penalty, but in his case, President Bill Clinton, interceded on his behalf. In the end, Michael Fay received four lashes, rather than the typically administered six lashes for the crime with which he had committed. Now as a parent, how would you react if your child was facing such a harsh and very stiff, penalty? Isn’t it funny, as a society we justify the use of corporal punishment in the home, but yet, we would be hell bent on protecting our child from corporal punishment outside the home environment.

The ramifications of spanking a child can be significant, leaving the child with the impression that violence and physical altercations are acceptable. Research has clearly shown that spanking has a profound effect upon the child’s biological, psychological, and social environments. It is not uncommon for children to struggle with a host of issues which may include: anxiety, stress, nightmares or night terrors, bedwetting, regressiveness, self-esteem and self-worth, proper attachment, issues involving feelings of security and trust, and so forth. The issues range from acute to chronic and they may plague the individual throughout the remainder of their life. Please understand that corporal punishment does not lead to desired outcomes, rather there is evidence that shows spanking can have profound effect upon the cognitive and processing centers of the brain. When we alter these regions of the brain, we effectively alter the attitudes, perceptions and behaviours of the individual being punished.

There are a number of problems with corporal punishment. Research has indicated that parents who rely on corporal punishment, commonly utilize various forms of correction when they are knowingly out of control. Many parents report feeling fed up and unable to regulate their own emotional state. At the moment of use, the parent’s mindset is seldom calm and collective. Rather, it is not uncommon for the parent to be highly stressed, frustrated and bewildered.

Ultimately, what can a parent do if other forms of discipline or correction are not achieving their ultimate aim? Parents who are feeling overwhelmed, should consider seeking out the services of a professional. Likewise, there are a number of resources for parents who are feeling exacerbated by the role of simply being a parent. In many communities, there are classes for helping parents improve upon their parenting, relationship and communication skills. Parents are always encouraged to communicate their frustrations with a professional therapist. Improving upon the foundations of one’s parenting skills is not an indication of weakness or inability, rather they are proof that you are seeking to obtain healthy skills for parenting. Fortunately, there are services for individuals who live remotely or in communities without local professionals. Parents should be encouraged to join online parenting classes, workshops, and even the ability of meeting with trained professionals. Professionals often encourage the parent(s) and child to attend family and individual therapy.

Why is it that we continue to rely upon the use of corporal punishment to correct children? It has been many decades since an employer or legal system could utilize corporal punishment on the life of an adult. Why is it that we have outlawed violence between partners? Yet, we continue to permit the use of physical violence on the innocent life of a child? Why is it that we have set such strict standards on workplace violence, and yet, we continue to harbour violence in the home?

In Canada, Section 43 of the Criminal Code permits parents, guardians, and other caregivers to discipline a child with corporal punishment. Corporal punishment is seldom isolated to physical spanking. According to the Department of Justice Canada, “Experts say that spanking is not an effective form of discipline. Spanking can make children angry and resentful. It can cause them to lose trust in their parents. It teaches children that hitting others is okay. In the long run, spanking can make children’s behaviour worse.”

Ultimately, what are we teaching children? We are teaching children that physical violence is an acceptable form of communication. A majority of parents would never intend harm to the life of their child, but the truth is, corporal punishment has an ability of leaving unknown scars marring the perceptions and worldviews of their child. As a practitioner and father, my argument is that corporal punishment is an ancient artifact that continues to systemically plague our society. As a society, we have long relied on corporal punishment as a corrective instrument.

We must resolve this issue by making all forms of corporal punishment illegal. We can no longer use the justification that “well my parents used it and it had no effect upon my life.” You may be the exception to the rule, but the truth is, there is research that indicates the lasting effects of corporal punishment. The problem with corporal punishment is that there is no way of setting a regulated standard of discipline. We know that parents who utilize corporal punishment range in age, intellectual quotient, economic backgrounds, etc. The demographics are immeasurable. There are no absolute guarantees involving the safety and wellbeing of the life of a child.

There is no justification of applying corporal punishment on the life of a child. A child who is infused with the concept of corporal punishment, has a higher likelihood of relying on physical violence to solve their problems. Again, we are teaching children that there is always a justification for violence. The justification for physical violence on the life of a child is unjustified and inexcusable. It is time that we lay aside the ways of our past and look to implementing instruments that correct, guide, and lovingly nurture the lives of our children.

2520 Vestal Parkway East, PMB #177, Vestal, New York 13850 (206) 430-2611
Email: [email protected]

asadonbrown.com

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Recognizing the Subtle Nuances of Domestic Violence

Posted by: Asa Don Brown on February 28, 2023 5:20 pm

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Domestic violence is never acceptable. What comes to mind when you hear the words domestic violence? Have you ever experienced any form of domestic violence? Have you been vicariously effected by domestic violence? For you, how would you describe domestic violence? In your own words, what would account for domestic violence?

Perhaps, you were the perpetrator of domestic violence. What erupted your emotional fuel-line? Do you believe that domestic violence is ever excusable? If so, what forms of domestic violence do you believe are acceptable?

If you were given an opportunity to describe domestic violence, you might have your own personal slant on what is, and what is not. For majority of our society, domestic violence are “extreme” and “intolerable” violent acts. Ultimately causing physical harm or the possibility of physical harm. Yet, we often draw the line at the physical manifestation of violence. We seldom take into account many other forms of violence. When was the last time you considered economic abuse, cyberstalking, stalking, or verbal or emotional abuse as potential threats? Even the very threat of harm, may be considered a form of domestic violence. Nevertheless, we slough off certain categories as mere side effects of being with a particular individual.

• “You don’t understand them, like I do.”
• “I shouldn’t have pushed their buttons. — I know better.”
• “They’re under a lot of pressure these days.”
• “If I had only stopped, then they wouldn’t have become so enraged.”
• “I’ve should have respected their quiet time.”
• “It was my fault.”

The abused is often familiar with iStatements. “I should’ve, could’ve, would’ve,”
becomes their poetic song. It is always about justifying the intolerable behaviours of their
partner. Reminder, there is never an excuse in abuse!

For many abusers, they rarely accept personal responsibility. It’s about feeding their own ego, desires and identity. Notably, not all abusers are narcissistic, but narcissism is often a common feature amongst abusive personalities. The abuser is often an expert of the word “you.”

• “You should’ve listened to me.”
• “If you had only done what I had asked.”
• “I wouldn’t have become so enraged, if you had just listened.”
• “Today wasn’t a good day for you to grow a backbone.”
• “I became so angry when my food wasn’t ready.”
• “You make me so angry.”

Why do we dismiss acts of violence? Why is it that we have created categories and subcategories of what is excusable and what is inexcusable? As a clinical psychologist, I have often felt like asking, haven’t you read the fine-print? There is never an excuse for violence!

What is it within the human condition that creates excuses? Why does the abused accept responsibility for their victimization? Research has indicated that victims of abuse are often preprogrammed to think this way from early childhood. What prevents a victim from leaving their abuser? Individuals who are abused, are not unlike hostages. It is not uncommon for victims of abuse to feel particular loyalty and strong feelings for their abuser. After all, many relationships start out seemingly positive. The abuser may have wined-and-dined their victims. The victim may have felt safe and secure in the relationship. Likewise, the abuser may not have been outwardly displaying such characteristics either. Research has indicated that elevated stress and other life challenges are frequently the catalyst driving this type of personality.

The abuser is seldom born an abuser, rather they are nurtured into abuse. Just like victims often seek out victimhood, so do abusers seek out victims to abuse. Publicly, it’s not uncommon for the abuser to wear several different masks; pretending to be one individual for one group, while conveying a different personality for the next. The victim may be unaware of the abusers deep-ingrained personality.

What changes? The abuser may not have intentionally turned that leaf over, but one day, out of nowhere, the abuse begins. The relationship is no longer filled with charm, kindness, love, and affection, rather it becomes filled with envy, jealousy, violence, intolerance, and dogma. For many victims, they know their victimizer intimately. They have witnessed a different side to their victimizer. Was it a facade? Who knows, but they, the victims continue to believe in the way things were and that the abuser will surely return to their more vulnerable side. It is the victims relentless belief in the way things were, that prolongs their victimization.

Research indicates that victims often fit a specific profile. It is not uncommon for a victim of abuse to have been abused per childhood. In fact, studies have indicated that the victim may not have been the direct target of the abuse per childhood, rather having witnessed violence appears to be enough to leave a deep impact on the life of the child. The victim is not always raised in an abusive home, but this increases the odds that they will be preyed upon. Furthermore, abusers are not always raised in homes filled with violence and abusive personalities, but this too increases the possibilities that they will develop into abusers. Why does the victimizer seek out a specific prey? It stems from the knowledge that individuals with weakened self-images and self-esteems are more apt to cling to such a personality. Just like the animal kingdom, victimizers often seek out those who are the most vulnerable. It is at that optimum time that they pounce.

The research on the victimizer is quite stunning. Abusers are seldom without many skeletons. It is not uncommon for abusers to have been neglected and abused per childhood. They may have been directly abused or vicariously witnesses of abuse in their childhood home. While the childhood home is sometimes the catalyst, we must not blame an abuser’s choices on their childhood. For at the end of the day, we all have an ability of making choices between right and wrong.

Recognizing the Signs and Symptoms of Domestic Violence and Abuse
• avoidance of personal responsibility
• regular and frequent swearing and yelling
• withholding affection as a form of punishment
• abusive rhetoric and language
• gaslighting
• controlling and demanding personalities
• punitive actions
• restrictions on who someone can see and not see
• an inability to accept wrongdoings
• belittling and humiliating another
• threats of harm or the potential of harm
• the intentional degrading of a person’s self worth
• an inability to show compassion or empathy
• an overinflated sense of self
• indications of excessive jealously or possessiveness
• obsessive and stalking qualities
• sexual demands or threats
• withholding access to financial accounts
• withholding access to transportation
• suicidality
• homicidality

Please understand that you are not alone. Research has clearly indicated that in North America, that there are approximately 12 million victims of domestic violence each year. It is not uncommon for victims of abuse to feel isolated and alone. You are not alone. Physical and sexual abuse are not the only forms of domestic violence. Abuse occurs in a variety of forms including: physical, sexual, emotional, psychological and verbal abuse. Abuse is never excusable!

2520 Vestal Parkway East, PMB #177, Vestal, New York 13850 (206) 430-2611
Email: [email protected]

asadonbrown.com

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

The Plight of the Homeless

Posted by: Asa Don Brown on January 23, 2023 3:44 pm

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There are many assumptions around homelessness. These assumptions are often cast with a specific ideological perspective and an array of biases. Many assume that if you are homeless, then you must have made a grave error in your life. It’s not uncommon for those assumptions to include the traditional thoughts of addiction, drugs, gang life, prostitution, and being the typical outcast. Let’s not forget, that there are those who believe that the homeless are directly and indirectly responsible for their plight. The most common assumption is, that homeless individuals are lazy, insufferable, unaccountable, and incapable of maintaining any semblance of normalcy.

There is one absolute truth, no one wakes up with a yearning desire to become homeless. Homeless individuals are born with the same innate desires, temperaments, and beliefs that we are all inherently born with. There are a countless number of homeless individuals who have achieved the highest and loftiest of life’s accomplishments. It’s not uncommon to meet a homeless individual who’s obtained a formal education; been a former owner or manager of a business; and who’s owned a home. Homeless individuals are no different than you and I. There are homeless individuals who continue to take pride in their personal appearance and hygiene. It’s not uncommon to meet a homeless individual who continues to strive for success and life beyond impoverishment.

The media has perpetuated the myth that homelessness is a choice. It associates homelessness with a lack of personal drive, ambition, and motivation. It often exploits those who are homeless by perpetuating false narratives and claims of what it means to be destitute. Moreover, the myth influences the general impression that homelessness is a choice. As such, the impression fuels a community filled with apathy and indifference.

Homelessness is driven by a number of factors including: housing scarcity, poverty, domestic violence, divorce, sudden or unexpected death of a spouse, financial hardships and restraints, economic downturn, and of course, the physical and mental health of the individual. While there are a number of factors that may lead to homelessness, the greatest obstacle of those who are homeless, is society itself.

Chronic homelessness has a profound effect upon the life of the individual. It’s not uncommon for those who are homeless to have a severe mental health condition, but a majority of researchers acknowledge that it is difficult to determine whether the mental health condition perpetuated the issue of homelessness or the opposite. It is without a doubt that homelessness can exacerbate and accelerate a preexisting mental health condition. Yet, what about those who had no previously known underlying mental health conditions? Are they more apt to develop a mental health condition being chronically homeless? Chronic homelessness can challenge the healthiest of individuals. Research has indicated that chronic homelessness can have a profound effect upon an individual’s physical mind and body. It’s thought to be a combination of factors that begins to gnaw at the individual. Over time, the daily struggle to survive and the stressors of living on the streets begins to have a dire effect on their perceptions and worldviews. Gradually, the health and wellbeing of an individual begins to decay, through the influences of living day-to-day on the streets. The daily grind and struggle to survive begins to erode at the consciousness and intellectual integrity of the homeless person. It’s not only the individual’s personal relationship to their environment, but being caught up in a similar environment of others. It’s witnessing a variety of atrocities and human depravity taking place on a daily basis. It’s the feelings and emotions of being rejected and subjected to a standard of life not suitable for any life form. The substandard living conditions are forced upon them day-after-day and week-after-week. The hardships begin to take a toll on the strongest of minds and bodies. It’s this sort of environment that can play havoc with the healthiest of minds and bodies.

The plight of homeless individuals are further eroded by the very system that should be there to protect them. In a majority of the free world, homelessness remains a crime and an illegal act. Terry Skolnik, Professor of Law at the University of Ottawa, has indicated that the judicial system of Canada continues to perpetuate the stigmatization of those who are homeless. In Professor Skolnik’s article with the Journal of Law Equality, it is obvious that the judicial system continues to offer a blind eye to the welfare of those who are homeless. In Canada, “courts have rejected homelessness as a ground of discrimination in Canadian constitutional law. Judges have concluded that homeless people are not a protected class…” The Canadian system does not guarantee that an individual will receive adequate housing, financial support, or advocacy. In the United States, laws and public policies have been devised as an intentional and blatant form of discrimination. A glimpse into the American judicial mindset is offered through an article by Nazish Dholakia, Senior Writer, Vera Institute of Justice for Forbes. In Dholakia’s article, he explains that there are “Laws that bar people experiencing homelessness from sitting, sleeping, or resting in public spaces… Some laws prohibit people from living in vehicles. Other laws turn loitering, asking for money, and even sharing food with people into offenses punishable by fines or arrest. In many cities, public restrooms are not available overnight—or at all— yet cities prohibit public urination and defecation.”

We know that homelessness is rooted in extreme poverty and inability to find proper accommodations. According to the United Nations (2023) it’s not only about obtaining housing, but it is the ability to find “stable, safe, and adequate housing.” It is not uncommon for governments to mask the issues of homelessness with a salve, offering temporary and unsafe housing.

So, what is the responsibility of those serving in the field of mental health? Is it our responsibility to advocate on behalf of those who have fallen victim to the clutches of the world? What is the responsibility of a mental health practitioner?

The field of mental health can do better by the side of those suffering. We can do better by offering pro bono services; volunteering as a therapist in homeless organizations and veterans organizations; and advocating on behalf of our fellow human.

We can do better! We can do better by the side of our fellow human! We can advocate were there is a need for advocacy. We can demand change through our legislative bodies and through our professional organizations.

At the moment, being homeless remains a criminal offense. It’s this sort of mindset that will further perpetuate the stigmatization and stereotypes of those who are homeless.While the judicial bodies frame laws and ordinances on preventing and punishing those who are homeless, it’s within their approach that the homeless are being underrepresented and underserved. Perhaps as a society, we should seek to reintegrate rather than to segregate.

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Holiday Blues

Posted by: Asa Don Brown on January 6, 2023 5:24 pm

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The very mention of the word holiday can leave an individual feeling the blues. According to the media, the holidays are suppose to be a time of cheerfulness, merriment, celebration, family and friends, but for so many, the holidays are not that picturesque. Rather, the holidays may feel much more sinister, bleak and intolerable. The holidays may be filled with memories of heartache and heartbreak. It may be a time that is vividly
caked with memories of the past good and bad, but for some reason the bad often outweighs the good.

The blues do not have to occur because of some heavy weighted trauma or loss, however this does have a bearing on many lives. The blues may be related to the season itself. They may represent the lack of family and friends. It may be fostered by feelings of rejection and experiences of the past. It may be stimulated by our perceptions and beliefs of our personal worth. They may be fueled by the media’s idealistic image of the holidays
and ours may not match that perfect snapshot. The blues are indeed the grinch of emotions and feelings taking away our right to experience authentic happiness. So what is it about the holidays that causes you to feel the blues? Are the holidays a reminder of good times or the bad ones? Have the holidays been masked by something egregious or reminders of something that you loath? What is it about the word that causes
you angst and emotional indigestion? For many, these times of festivities, celebrations, and reaction. You would think that the holidays would represent the same for all individuals, but you must take into account events leading up to the holidays; the holidays; and the biopsychosocial environment of the individual.

Life is not perfect and nor are the holidays. For you, they may represent something of an egregious nature. It may be a reminder of a particular loss or traumatic experience. There may be financial burdens associated with the holidays and obligations that make it difficult to truly celebrate. As a collective body of people, we have a particular ideological perspective around the holiday and the celebrations therein. This season may
not represent a time of immense pleasure enveloping ideas like peace, joy and love, rather they may be filled with a sense of disconnect, displeasure, unhappiness, misery, obligation, and anger.

The holidays often fuel a sense of despair, sadness and overall sense of dreariness. The duration and intensity of these states may vary depending on one’s personal ability to prove resilient, the insulating factors for the individual, and protective factors that ensure their safety and wellbeing. Please note, if an individual is finding it difficult during the holiday, it may be important to encourage them to seek out care. A few of the typical signs associated with the blues include:
• A change in one’s daily routine
• Avoiding being around others
• An inability to concentration or focus
• Personal changes in daily care and hygiene
• Increased irritability or depression
• Expressions of worthlessness
• Personal changes in appetite or diet
• An increased use of recreational drugs, alcohol or prescription drugs
• The loss of pleasure and personal desire
• The rejection of friends and family

It is also important to be aware that mental health issues can exacerbate one’s feelings of loneliness, sadness and despair. For individuals who have mental health concerns, it may be important to reach out before the holidays and to follow through with a mental health practitioner. The holidays are often known to exaggerate and intensify feelings and emotions for individuals not suffering from a mental health issue, but add a mental health
issue, then you add to the challenges already facing that person.

During the holidays it is important to remember to maintain a balanced life. Do not place any unnecessary burdens on yourself and avoid placing yourself in financial jeopardy. Avoid using recreational drugs and alcohol if you are feeling at odds with your emotions. Remember never to mix alcohol and recreational drugs with prescription medication. It’s prudent that you keep your personal routines: Do not avoid maintaining a regular sleep schedule and try your best to eat a balanced diet. Daily exercise is not only prudent for keeping physically healthy, but there is a direct relationship to your mental health as well. At the end of the day, remember that the holidays are not unlike any other day. Avoid placing any unnecessary pressure on yourself. Remember to act on behalf of your personal needs and the needs of others. Do not accept negative thinking or drama. You do not have to be anyone’s battering ram. It is important to have a balanced and healthy life. Do your best to accept only what you can handle and do not be afraid of voicing your personal needs. Please remember to act as your best ally, advocate for your needs, and do not fear acting
on behalf of yourself.

2520 Vestal Parkway East, PMB #177, Vestal, New York 13850 (206) 430-2611
Email: [email protected]

asadonbrown.com

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Finding the Right Therapist this Holiday Season

Posted by: Paula Gonzalez on November 28, 2022 12:51 pm

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If you have walked to a store, listened to the radio, have browsed through social media, or done just about anything at this point, you would know that the holiday season is already upon us. It’s everywhere we look, and it is stirring up a lot of strong emotions.

For some people, the holiday season is exciting and joyful, but for many others this can be a very difficult and triggering time of year. Regardless of which side you’re on, this holiday season is particularly challenging due to ongoing pandemic stress, inflation, current world events, and lots of uncertainty. These are very real stressors, and it can be a lot for anyone to manage by themselves. This is exactly why it is a great time to consider investing in yourself by going to therapy. That way, you can get support to hopefully alleviate some of the load you’re carrying, and dare I say maybe even enjoy (or at least not dread as much) what’s left of the year? Hey, it could be worth a try!

If you are intrigued by the idea of finding a therapist this holiday season, here are 3 questions you can ask yourself to prepare:

What kind of support are you looking for exactly? There is no doubt that the answer to this question is something along the lines of “uh, to feel better obviously!”. However, understanding what you need is crucial. When you think about finding the right therapist for you, think about what a therapist could do so that you may feel better, what does that look like? Would it be by them creating a safe space for you to express yourself honestly and process how you’re feeling this holiday season? Or something more specific like helping you set and maintain boundaries with family members? Is it to manage stress or explore self-care strategies? Or perhaps to process feelings of grief? See if you can try to narrow down what it is that you are wanting support with. Better yet, you and your therapist can work together to create a gameplan for therapy. Though it is entirely up to you what you’d like to get out of therapy, your therapist can be instrumental in helping you understand what this may look like.

What’s your budget? Therapy is referred to as an investment that you make because of the courage, time, and energy that you provide but a significant portion of this comes from how you fund this investment, as well. An unfortunate reality of the mental health system in Canada is that, unlike many other regulated health professionals, mental health practitioners are still required to charge GST/HST to their services, an added cost to already hefty fees. Asking yourself what your budget for therapy looks like is important as it could determine where to access therapy (e.g., private practice? Sliding scale? Low-cost or free services at an agency?), how many sessions you could afford, and the cadence of your sessions. Fortunately, most extended health benefits do cover at least part of your sessions, and these benefits do usually restart every calendar year. Additionally, most therapists offer a free consultation to help you determine if they would be a good fit for you. This could be a great time to ask them about their fees and/or help you explore options based on your budget.

Are you ready for therapy? Most of the time, people wait a while before deciding to seek therapy. It requires quite a lot of soul-searching and courage to reach out. After all, some of the risks of therapy is that it may cause you to experience vulnerable, uncomfortable, and even painful feelings. As per my previous blog post, one of the critical components of therapy is honesty. This means being honest with your therapist about how you’re doing and what your needs are, but mostly being honest with yourself. If you push yourself to go to therapy even though you aren’t ready, you may not yield the results that you’re looking for and run the risk of feeling disappointed or discouraged. It’s okay if you’re not ready to seek therapy just yet. Even though it takes a lot of courage to decide to seek it, it takes just as much courage to be honest with yourself and decide that you’re not ready.

Finding the right therapist is not always an easy task. Asking yourself these questions could be step forward in helping you with this process during an already stressful time of year. However you choose to spend the rest of 2022, may the next few months treat you gently.

Stay tuned for more tips on finding the right therapist for you.

Paula Gonzalez, MCP, CCC, RP, is the founder of Infinite Horizons Psychotherapy (www.infinitehorizonspsychotherapy.com). She specializes in empowering young adults experiencing anxiety through psycho-education and trauma-informed CBT.

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Cultivating the ‘We’ in Us as Individuals

Posted by: Barry D'Souza on November 4, 2022 12:20 pm

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Harmony, disharmony and repair”, the natural trajectory within all couple life! A reassuring proposition for couples and a real ‘dawning upon’ of sorts for me. It was the Terry Real Deal, this Relational Life Therapy, I thought. The webinars and the weekly email feeds that came special offer with buying Us online, made for a very familiar American-sized, larger than life, commercial element. But, no matter, this was ‘good news’ and we therapists always need a stimulating read and a bit of useful soul searching in the down time of our holidays. His reminder of a paradigm shifting from ‘I, me mine’ to the ’we/us’ was heart-lightening, hitting home. We had just gotten married – why not bring Terry along with us on our so-called honeymoon and see where that sharing would go?

Off we went this summer to the Italian and French Alps, the four of us – Nessie, our young border collie, Sophie, “Terry Real” and me. By the time, we got to the foothills, we had listened to the first two webinars and had shared on our ‘adaptive child’ triggers, speaking to that truism about couples work and their outcomes – that each partner has a shared amount of personal work to do in parallel. Mine included ‘feeling bad about myself’ and ‘doing what I had to be appreciated’ before evaluations and ‘scheming to be free inside’ before emotional demands or manipulation. This was part of my adaptive child at work! But hadn’t I evolved? Was I really doing similar things in our disharmony? Was I really going into “you vs. me” as I sought to be heard and appreciated. Did I lose sight of my ‘wise adult’ and track of the ‘we’ in our dynamic themes of couple disconnect. I know I didn’t want to! Terry was taking us back to an honest reflection on what might be at work inside, when we, Sophie and I, left our ‘harmony’.

I got to thinking about how some in their religious traditions do pre-marital courses, about how some of the most important life skills, like how to be a ‘good partner’ in relationships are never really taught in school systems during the requisite sex education classes, how culturally, we seem to have to self-help ourselves through everything, how that process that can feel so alone and how we might abandon the ‘good’ practices because we don’t see the motivation of the “we” collective! It really was a lovely holiday this August. The long hikes in the mountains were bountiful with calm, beauty and a novel sharing for us as couple. It was good bonding.

So this blog is a little “do what I did and see for yourself shout out” to therapists who work with couples. A little preventive work, putting yourself in the shoes of your couples,you might think of it! Do as you might want or suggest to your couples. Expand your relationship mindfulness around some of the elements Terry suggests are useful, like those five strategies the ‘human’ adaptive child quite typically turns to: ‘being right’, ‘controlling your partner’, ‘practicing unbridled self-expression/venting’, ‘retaliating against your partner’ and ‘withdrawing from your partner’ (Real: 2022, p.190). It is likely you’ll see yourself with a little reflective mindfulness of your couple. Some compelling bibliotherapy and a valid depiction of an imperative to repairing our couples – cultivate the “we” in us as individuals.

References

Real, Terry. (2022) Us: Getting Past You & Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

Goop Press: New York

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA