Every day is filled with opportunities and decisions that build this life we are building, like individual bricks that will eventually give shape to a structure, however solid or shaky. Those decisions have direct and indirect repercussions on us and those around us, each one driven by the pursuit of what we love and the avoidance of what we fear.
People who are in the Victim role (as used in Karpman’s Drama Triangle) are people who live in fear, but they don’t always seem to be. While some are angry at the world or a select number of people, refusing to take responsibility for anything and expecting others to rescue them from their woes, there are some who seem empowered because they work and move, and make changes. They may even be living successful lives. They may even inspire others to make important changes in their own lives. Success, however, is not a necessary indicator of not being in a Victim role. What makes them either a Victim or a Creator (to use David Emerald’s terminology in The Power of TED), is what drives them.
The Victim flees from his source of fear without a clear sense of direction. We see this in the one who works for incalculable wealth, neglecting his loved ones or compromising his values in the process, always striving for that elusive sense of security. We see a life of fear in the one who is stuck in a rigid routine while the people in need around him become invisible the moment meeting their needs imply straying from that routine because he is incapable of looking beyond that self-imposed strait-jacket like it’s some kind of safety bunker amidst a nuclear blast zone, like everything outside of that routine is deemed bad, unsafe, or substandard.
I had a fear-filled life myself when I moved from my hometown in my pre-teen years and chose to cut ties with almost everyone, Goliaths and people who were good to me. I was hoping for a clean slate and a fresh start. I did get that clean slate, but it didn’t make me as empowered and I would’ve liked. I met some new Goliaths. In later years, in my thirties, I reconnected with a few former hometown peers through social media, only to quickly realize that the way I had seen some of them had been really unfair. They had been bystanders to what I had been through in those earlier years, but they were never part of the abuse itself. I had failed to recognize good people in my life because I was too consumed by my wounds and self-pity. Fear had driven me to dig some deep trenches around me to try to protect myself. It’s a reflex I still have to this day.
The Creator, on the other hand, is driven by love and vision to attain the object of his focus that is always before his eyes. The empowered person is vision-focused, unlike the victim who is focused on past injuries and injustices. Empowerment is, in a way, to focus on what we want instead of what we don’t want. Focusing on what we don’t want is like fixating on that rear view mirror while we’re driving. Good luck staying on the road for long, let alone getting to your destination.
There is a line from The Power of TED that I really appreciate: “When you focus on those things in your life that hold meaning and purpose, your passion just naturally flows.” As stated in a previous post, we are teleological beings. In other words, we do what we do for a purpose. Without a purpose, we become disoriented and unmotivated. Think of a task or a job you’ve undertaken that didn’t interest you all that much. How easy was it to stick to it? Compare it to something you do that you find meaningful and fulfilling. There’s no comparison is there? Our hearts lie in those things that give us meaning and purpose, and where our hearts lie is what we love.
Now I’m not saying that every object of one’s love in the world is equal. Sometimes what we pursue is nothing more than the opposite of what we fear because we are in fact living in fear… as I did. I do believe that there is an order of goodness, that some things are better for us than others, but that’s a discussion for another time.
Take the time to consider what gives you purpose and meaning. What are you doing that helps you move towards it. Are there any habits or road blocks that keep you from it? To end with an example, writing is something that gives me meaning and purpose. I love the written word, but I had roadblocks and habits that kept me away from dedicating time to it. With a few minor, yet significant changes, I now have designated times in my schedule that allow me to write a little most days, even if just for thirty minutes at a time. Making empowering changes to pursue what we love doesn’t have to turn our lives upside down every time, but it does provide us with opportunities to thrive.
*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA