Children’s Self-Esteem and Parental Influence (Part Three of Three)

Posted by: Asa Don Brown on May 15, 2011 3:39 pm

As adults we need to recognize that our successes and failures are mere historical reminders of events that have occurred in our lives.  Likewise, children need to be taught, that while successes and failures are a makeup of our history, that we do not need to identify with our successes nor our failures. For we are no more our successes than we are our failures.  If you look to the past for reassurance, your approval will be overshadowed by events that have previously occurred in your life.   Reminding children that their successes and their failures are mere reminders of their historical achievements is essential in developing a positive sense of self. Successes and failures are simply our attempt to live life. We will most assuredly fail and succeed throughout our lives. Moreover, those events that we consider failures and successes should prove learning tools rather than barriers with which we live our lives.

Children need to be reminded that they are special, unique, and worthy. When children fail or succeed, encourage them by expressing how proud you are of them, for attempting whatever they set out to achieve.   Reinforce the positive and reject the negative. Don’t say, “if you had tried harder, then you would have succeeded.” Rather, “I am proud that you attempted __________ and I believe in you.”

Provide a home that is positively influential.   Children should be reminded on a frequent basis how valuable they are, how precious they are, how intelligent they are, and how capable they are, and that your love, acceptance, and approval of them are without conditions.

Children not only develop a positive self-esteem through how you see them, but also how they see themselves. Therefore, it is important that you monitor your children’s view of their own person.   Ask your children to identify their positive qualities.   Have your children recognize that they are intelligent, and worthy of unconditional love and acceptance.

Children who have developed healthy self-esteems and are safe-guarded have a higher likelihood of becoming socially involved. They are more apt to challenge life itself, partake of lives challenges, and ward off lives negative forces.   Children with a healthy perception of self are less likely to get tangled up into the web of gossip, bullying, and negative school related matters.    They are more likely to offer a child who presents vulnerable a hand up.  Children who have a positive perception of the world are more apt to share such a perception with others.

In the end, children need an ear to hear; a voice to liberate; a shoulder to lean upon; and arms to be wrapped around them. Showing your children affection will encourage them, reassure them, and reaffirm their need for unconditional acceptance, approval and love.


If your children express a low emotional state; appear downtrodden or display negative perceptions, they may need professional counsel.   Finding a professional therapist is vitally important to safeguarding your children against the repercussions of negativity.


Canadian Mental Health Association (2011) Children and self-esteem. Retrieved April 9, 2011,

Manassis, K. (1996) Keys to parenting your anxious child. Hauppague, New York:  Barron’s Educational Series, Inc.

McKay, M., Fanning, P. (2000) Self-Esteem third edition, A proven program of cognitive techniques for assessing, improving and maintaining your self-esteem. Oakland, California:  New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

0 comments on “Children’s Self-Esteem and Parental Influence (Part Three of Three)”

  1. Gina says:

    Your message of unconditional love is inspiring. You have a manner with makes your works tangible, likible, admirable, and plausible. I have a daughter with a birthdefect. She’s so adorable and lovable. I can’t understand why she’s a target of bullying. Your messages are desperately needed. Kindly, Gina

    1. Dear Gina,

      I am sincerely appreciative of your very warm remarks. It is difficult to have a child who is facing any form of maltreatment or bullying. If your child is enduring bullying, then I would suggest seeking out a therapist in your local community. It may equally as important that you attend therapy with your daughter and individually. You might also consider the benefits of a support group. Support groups are capable of helping beyond what can be offered individualized therapeutic environments.

      Again, thank you for your very kind remarks.

      Warm Regards,

      Dr. Asa Don Brown

  2. anonymous says:

    Finding a good counselor to help with personal problems isn’t as hard as some may think. They are highly educated on the subject, and are more than sympathetic.
    I loved your article, Dr. Brown! Thank you. I’m a great believer in surrounding yourself with positivity, both in your thoughts and actions, and in your social circle.
    We all have rough times, but we don’t have to be defined by them. However we don’t need to dwell on them nor allow them to gnaw at us. I do my best to put them behind me and move forward to brighter days.

    1. Dear Anonymous

      I appreciate your very kind words and positive feedback. It can be difficult to find the “right” counselor – therapist. Finding a therapist who understands you; who connects with you; and who has an ability to develop a professional relationship with you is vitally important.

      Again, I thank you for your kind remarks. I too am a believer in surrounding oneself with positivity, both socially and environmentally. Finally, I am fully appreciative of your thoughts on leaving the past-in-the-past; we do not have to be defined by our past, nor do we have to live up or down to other’s expectations.
      May you have a blessed day.

      Carpe Diem


  3. Cher Clark

    Je vous suis reconnaissant de vos paroles très aimables. Je suis plein d’espoir thatt cet article peut avoir fourni des réponses positives à toi.

    Puissiez-vous avoir une journée très positive.


    M. Asa Don Brown

    1. Dear Clark

      I am appreciative of your very kind words. I am hopeful thatt this article may have provided some positive answers unto you.

      May you have a truly positive day.

      Warm Regards,

      Dr. Asa Don Brown

  4. Clark says:

    J’aime vraiment votre article. J’ai essaye de trouver de nombreux en ligne et trouver le v?tre pour être la meilleure de toutes.

    Mon francais n’est pas tres bon, je suis de l’Allemagne.

    Mon blog:
    Regroupement de credit ou demande de Rachat de credit

  5. Deborah Pickering says:

    Dear Dr. Brown,
    Once again you have provided an informative and passionate article. What you are saying is so true. I remember asking a child services agency for information on how to teach my child good self esteem. They were unable to provide anything other than a small pamphlet with stick figures in it that showed how to have good manners! Too bad I did not have the benefit of a written instruction such as this article.
    I believe that for many parents, we grew up without the unconditional love and encouragement that you speak of. As a result we are without the knowledge that you impart to us here and cannot pass on what we don’t have. One can only hope that this kind of knowledge will become more and more widespread and our children and grandchildren will reap the benefit from it. Thanks for such a good read.

    1. Dear Deborah

      I sincerely appreciate the warmth of your remarks and the insights into your life. First of all, it is unfortunate that this child service agency dropped the ball when you requested information, but I am pleased to see that you did not allow this to detour your desire for personal growth.
      My thoughtful prayer is that such information will become more prominent and readily accessible for future generations.

      I thank you for your valuable time and remarks.

      Warm Regards,

      Dr. Asa Don Brown

  6. Tracy says:

    Thank you again for the wonderful encouraging words. It is enlightening to be reminded to encourage my children whenever they face a challenge… whether or not they succeed. Reminding them that it is through facing the challenge that we learn and grow. I look forward to future postings.


    1. Dear Tracy

      Always think upon the following, challenges are mere obstacles daring us to maneuver around them. Challenges can not deny our ability to grow nor halt us from achieving our best.

      I thank you for your valuable time and remarks.

      Warm Regards,

      Dr. Asa Don Brown

  7. Lovely Dr. Brown,

    Failure is consistently undervalued in academia and our children are also consequently much programmed to view it as a negative. Willingness to fail is however essential to thriving, developing a compassionate character, and communing optimally with others. The number of hours children spend in school underscore the necessity of parents providing a broader paradigm. Thank you for speaking to this important topic.

    1. Dear Marlaine Cover
      I am sincerely appreciative of your very thoughtful comments. I wholeheartedly agree that failure should not encapsulate negativity, nor should it be a reflection of our being. Rather, failure should be a learning aid providing insights into our lives.
      I thank you for your valuable time and remarks.
      Warm Regards,
      Dr. Asa Don Brown

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