The Effects of Belittling

Posted by: Asa Don Brown on September 27, 2013 4:03 pm

“A strong man cannot help a weaker unless the weaker is willing to be helped, and even then the weak man must become strong of himself; he must, by his own efforts, develop the strength which he admires in another. None but himself can alter his condition.” ~ James Allen

We most commonly associate abuse with sexual and physical deeds. Rarely do we consider the ramifications that psychological and emotional abuse can have on the life of another. “It may be the most common kind of child abuse — and the most challenging to deal with. But psychological abuse, or emotional abuse, rarely gets the kind of attention that sexual or physical abuse receives.” (Blue, 2012, Online)

Psychological and emotional abuse are most commonly associated with intentional or grave harm, but psychological and emotional abuse can be as sneaky as a snake. If you consider the emotional upheaval that occurs within a person’s being when he/she receive a threat, perceive a threat, or vicariously experience a threat; it is as life shattering as being harmed. A simple threat can accelerate an individual’s desire to find a place of safety and care. “Keeping a child in a constant state of fear is abuse…” (Blue, 2012, Online) If a child fears being spanked, and/or some other egregious form of punishment, then you create an environment of fear based parenting.

Abuse is the intentional or the unintentional emotional fraying of another’s personhood. It is emotional abuse that can have a dire impact upon a person’s self-esteem and the development of his/her personal ego. It is through this development of the ego that an individual gains an individualistic impression of his/her self-importance and his/her inner person.

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Ah, September!

Posted by: Dawn Schell on September 13, 2013 12:19 pm

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Earlier this week Jian Ghomeshi of CBC said, “September must we dread you?” An excellent question! September can often be like a wild fairground ride. You know the one where you are strapped into a chair that slowly, slowly climbs up….and then WHAM drops you back down to the ground? Yeah – that’s how September often feels!

My summer was idyllic in many ways and I wanted to be more intentional and planful about September this year. As we transition into the last quarter of the year, which many people consider to be the “real” new year, it seemed like a good time to take a moment and reflect on my intentions for the rest of the year. To pause and think about what this year has been like thus far and to get clear on how I want to finish 2013.

I won’t take credit for this idea – it came to me via a blogger whose work I follow. You can find the link here – http://www.katmcnally.com/p/august-moon-13.html

I liked the questions that were posed and found myself thinking about ways to use them with clients.

Here’s a sampling of the questions…

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Creating Life

Posted by: Asa Don Brown on August 30, 2013 3:05 pm

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“Having kids – the responsibility of rearing good, kind, ethical, responsible human beings – is the biggest job anyone can embark on. As with any risk, you have to take a leap of faith and ask lots of wonderful people for their help and guidance. I thank God every day for giving me the opportunity to parent.” ~ Maria Shriver

As a couple, there are many challenges that you will face simply being within a relationship. Your relationship may tinker between the off-and-on again paradigm. You may dislike your spouse’s personal habits, hygiene, mindsets, and/or belief systems.

There are many variables that can cause a couple to have relationship strife. If an individual within the relationship has an addiction or addictive personality; the nonaddictive partner may feel neglected or barricade from getting to “really” know their spouse.

Unfortunately, we live in an era of global financial hardships and economic woes. The lack of employment opportunities and corporation layoffs has become the norm within of our society. Infuse the societal troubles with a lack of time and you will create the perfect storm for a newly formed or broken relationship.

Not all are facing the hardships of financial woes or employment layoffs. In some cases, the challenges for a relationship may center around a lack of intimacy or unrealistic expectations about sex. Sexual expectations and intimacy are all too often intertwined. While sexual expectations are often developed early on within a relationship, we seldom speak of our sexual desires early on. Unfortunately, sexual conversations most commonly occur when the relationship is in an unhealthy state. The couples discussions are often filled with anger, frustration, bitterness, rage, and confusion about the relationship and the sexuality within. When the sexuality of a relationship is discussed between a couple; there are commonly feelings of despair, resentment, and hopelessness until the matter is resolved in a healthy manner. It is vitally important to avoid creating life if your sexual and/or your personal relationship is unhealthy.

If a couple is doing well, then-and-only-then, should they consider the possibility of having children. Having a child can prove the greatest stressor of a relationship. Even the very discussion of having a child, can spur heated debates and personal battles.

THE CHALLENGES OF CREATING LIFE…

“I’m sorry, it’s true. Having children really changes your view on these things. We’re born, we live for a brief instant, and we die. It’s been happening for a long time. Technology is not changing it much – if at all.”
~ Steve Jobs

As a therapist, I have counselled a number of individual’s on the decision to have or not to have children. “If you’re a couple, the decision to have a child or remain childless is a joint decision.” (Wade & Kovacs, 2005, p. 28) Having children will have a significant impact upon your relationship. It is paramount that if-and-only-if, you, as a nucleus couple, decide to create life; then-and-only-then should you even consider undertaking the obligation of forming such life. Regrettably, not every couple has been equal players in the creation of life, nor has every person within a relationship known about the lives that are being created. Of course, if we wanted, we could open Pandora’s box to all the possible discussions about sex and sexuality, but the intent of this article is and has been solely designed to discuss creating life and the meaning therein.

The challenges are unlimited when considering the creation of life. If I decide to have a child, then I must consider whether or not I want to be eternally connected to my partner. Even the legendary Dr. Albert Ellis was once quoted as saying, “I would have liked having children to some degree, but frankly I haven’t got the time to take the kids to the (swear word) ballgame.”

Sadly, the possibility of a relationship ceasing does exist. Therefore, it is absolutely necessary that to consider whether or not we would like to be forever connected or linked to our partner. We seldom consider the implications of a relationship ceasing, but if so, the ramifications of creating life can have a dire effect upon the life of the child. For some the creation of life is a good idea at the time; for others, there are religious implications behind the creation of children; while for others, there remains little explanation or consideration.

CHILDREN ARE NOT…

Children are not the answer to a bad relationship. Unfortunately, I have encountered more than one couple or partner who has decided to have a baby to mend or repair their unhealthy relationship. Having a child should never be the remedy for a broken relationship, no more than having sex should be about forgiveness.

It is not uncommon for someone to think that a baby will rekindle the flame. For many, it is thought that a baby will reunite or repair a broken relationship. First of all, if a baby is born healthy, then it might serve as a positive measure within the relationship. However, if the baby is born unhealthy, then the couple’s level of stress and anxiety will reach peak heights. A child’s life should never be considered as a healing aide within a relationship. “If a baby is brought into a relationship in which one partner is opposed to having a baby, the relationship will usually suffer, and as a result so does the child.” (Wade & Kovacs, 2005, p. 28)

Furthermore, it is not uncommon for those in bad relationships to manipulate their partner by the discussing the possibility of having a child. I have encountered both men and women who have used “a baby” as a source of manipulation within their relationship. Baby manipulation is one of the most common themes of bad relationships.

“I will have a baby with you, if you…”
“I should have a baby with my partner, because this will heal our relationship.”
“I really can’t stand the guilt of denying him or her the right to a child.”
“While I really do not care for children, I will have a child so that we remain a couple.”
“My faith insists that we have children, so I think I will have a child to appease my faith.”

As a potential parent, your priorities should shift. You are no longer alone in this world. You are now forever bonded to another person on this planet. As a potential parent, you are creating a life that will forever need your unwavering guidance.

CHILDREN ARE…

“Restaurants are like having children: it’s fun to make them, maybe, but then you have them for good and bad. You are going to have to raise them and if something goes wrong when they are 30 years old, they will still be your little boy.” ~ Wolfgang Puck

Children are the greatest teachers you will ever encounter. I have personally attended more than 13 1/2 years of university, but you can rest assured; that my greatest teachers have yet to set a foot in a university classroom. Children can serve as your most profound teacher, guide, and inspiration. It is amazing how a child who has been egregiously harmed in this life, can serve as an awe-inspiring motivator of life. The life of a child is typically filled with an abundance of resiliency.

Children should never be considered as a remedy for a bad relationship. If you are struggling within your relationship, it is prudent that you consider seeking the counsell of a therapist. Furthermore, be certain that you and your partner can be intricate players within the counselling environment. If not, your problems may continue to exist.

A child is a mirage, often appearing to be less complex than they really are. No child has ever been born with an owner’s manual. No child has ever sat down at their birth and discussed the meaning of life or the purpose of their own life. Yet, many who have a fantasy of sharing their life with another, rarely give great debate or heated discussion before bringing forth life.

Children are magical creatures who seem to bring forth our maternal and paternal instincts. “Yes, a baby is so powerfully appealing that people are even entertained watching it sleep. Just notice how grown people tiptoe to a crib and look down at a baby.” (Cosby, 1987, p. 22) Baby’s are undoubtedly alluring. It is often this mystical side to babyhood that we mistake their incredible powers as being capable of healing or bringing aide to our relationship. Be more than certain that if you decide to have a child, that it is a decision made with a clear consciousness and a sound mind.

Children are forever.

Authors: Asa Don Brown, Ph.D., C.C.C., N.C.C.M.

Website: http://www.asadonbrown.com

REFERENCES

Brown, A. D. (2010) Waiting to live, Bloomington, IN: IUniverse

Cosby, B. (1987) Fatherhood. New York, NY: Berkley Books

Forward, S. (2001) Emotional blackmail, When the people in your life use fear, obligation, and guilt to manipulate you. New York, NY: HarperCollins Publishers

McCoy, D. (2006) The manipulative man, Identify his behavior, counter the abuse, regain control. Avon, MA: Adams Media

Wade, D. & Kovacs, L. (2005) I want a baby, He doesn’t, How both partners can make the right decision at the right time. Avon, MA: Adams Media

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Personal Empowerment

Posted by: Asa Don Brown on August 30, 2013 2:52 pm

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We associate empowerment with the liberation of a group of people, race, creed, religious ideology or personal belief system. Empowerment is the enabling of another person through the strengthening of their personal self-esteem and the development of their personal ego. It is through this development of the ego that an individual gains an individualistic impression of their self-importance and their inner self. The empowerment of an individual should never come at the cost of another’s rights, freedoms, or liberties.

EMPOWERMENT’S ORIGINATION

As children, our personal self-esteem, self-worth, and internal drive are enhanced by those who shape our being. It is through the recognition of our personal goodness, abilities, talents, worth, and individuality that we gain a healthy sense of self. When we are empowered, we are less willing and likely to be drug through the mud by another.

Empowerment teaches us that we are worth more than the negativity that may be slung our way. Even if, we are responsible for a negative deed, act, or event; it is through our own acceptance of our roles in life that we maintain our personal empowerment. It is the acceptance of our roles in life that we are living a life guided by personal responsibility. Personal responsibility is the willingness to accept both the good and bad choices in life. It is through personal responsibility that we accept the ownership for our lives.

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

My Summer Project

Posted by: Dawn Schell on August 30, 2013 2:44 pm

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As the summer winds down I am pleased to report that my summer project of improving my digital career literacy has been going well. I decided to focus my attention on LinkedIn first. I’ve been learning a lot.

One of the first steps I took is following, and occasionally participating in [need to increase my participation rate!], various LinkedIn Career counselling group discussions on about ways to use LinkedIn. My favourite discussion topic so far was titled “Thanks for the endorsement. Have we met?”

Those of you who have a LinkedIn profile have probably had the experience of being “endorsed” by someone you have never worked with for a skill you didn’t have listed. The topic has generated a great deal of discussion and opinions are varied as to the usefulness of these endorsements. Not to mention discussions about whom we connect with and how well we ought to know them. Some have suggested endorsing is equivalent to clicking the ‘like’ button on Facebook and others have suggested that makes it meaningless. Have a read and see what you think.

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Counselling Obtsacles for the Immigrant

Posted by: Hailing Huang on August 30, 2013 2:41 pm

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The obstacles of receiving counselling service that many people are facing today such as high cost, long waiting list, and distant location are also the obstacles for immigrant population. As for the immigrant population, there is another obstacle that they have to face is that they lack of the knowledge about counselling. Most of immigrant do not receive or heard of this kind of services in the countries that they came from; counselling services are an unfamiliar term for them to grab.

During the past 30 years, counselling topics have branched out to many areas of life issues such as: parenting, communication skills, self-esteem and others. Counselling services no longer focuses on pathological issues, dysfunctional patterns, personality disorders or mood disorders, depression and anxieties. At the same time, the immigrant population does not have the same lever of understanding about counselling as North American’s populations have.

In order to invite immigrants to receive counselling, immigrants have to be educated first. Education also means focusing on prevention instead of intervention, with the knowledge of self care, they could integrate into local culture more smoothly with fewer struggles and become more efficient in the workforce for society.

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Video Games – Cathartic or Destructive?

Posted by: Priya Senroy on August 14, 2013 3:14 pm

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Hello…..and welcome to the last summer blog…..cannot believe that its passed in the blink of an eye…..it has been an interesting summer…..I have discovered the world of video games in a very different way….have moved past angry birds and zombies, build and destroyed playing civilization series and then moved though the call of duty…..BUT the most interesting of them which I have also suggested to some of my mature older gamer clients to use as an therapeutic activity is a video game called Asura’s Wrath. In my last blog I had talked about how video games are being used for therapeutic reason and this fits into the category in my perspective. We wanted to make a game based around the theme of anger,” offers Hiroshi Matsuyama, as a description, one of the lead creators of the game. He says with conviction when he shares that “I think what happens is that when you’re a child you don’t really have control of your emotions and you just let all the emotions out as you encounter them,” he said. “But as you become an adult, you make a concerted effort to rein yourself in and control yourself, so you’re not always getting angry. Some people do, but for the most part you don’t get pissed off at people. The plan with Asura’s wrath was that we wanted to make a game where players could take out their stress. Asura is the avatar of the player’s anger.” I guess there are many ways of looking at this. The lead character of a violent video game is a pathway, a channel through which the player is able to express his anger. That substantiates (pros)many theories about why people play video games, both pros and cons. It falls in line(cons) to the fears of those who shudder at the thought of either playing or letting their children play violent games, of those who believe damaged people are further damaged by cultivating their inner violence with the virtual violence games allow them to express.

For me its personal choice that clients can make for themselves…..whether to accept or reject…play or not play….find it therapeutic or destructive…..and I am not a serious gamer and cannot comment on the quality of the gaming…but from a humaniod perspective who gets angry at times, this seems to be something that I saw myself using to release the aggression, a way to own my shadow, my negative archetypes and yet do it in a safe, non threatening environment in a video game setup….. You might or might not agree with me but I would encourage you to try out video games which has streak of aggression in them to see if it can provide creative outlets to those emotions that we tend to hide and sit on till they burst in flames engulfing us and others around us.

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

‘ISMS’ of my Counselling Practice

Posted by: Priya Senroy on August 14, 2013 3:13 pm

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As summer is slowly slipping away from our hands, I have been trying to make the most of the weather, the culture as well as firing my neurons—almost like buffering up for the colder months. I have been trying to diversify my counselling portfolio, trying to work with clients from different areas and also keep my private practice alive.

One of the dilemmas that I face often-I do not know if it is self imposed or it is circumstantial …it has to do with refusing clients who are not able to pay my fees at all. I have often done pro bono work on one hand that always challenges me financially and on the other hand I am trying to break down the ‘isms’ and always looking at the ways in which to accommodate clients irrespective of their socio-econominc status. I always feel at the back of my mind that financial affordability should not stop me from offering my services. Many clients are on welfare and some of them are just poor and I refer them to free services…. so does that mean that in some way I am biased and that I have issues with ‘classism’. There is also a vast amount of literature exploring the role of class in terms of psychotherapy. Proctor (2002) writes clients are more likely to be poorer than their therapists and from a working class rather than middle class background. Tidwell (1992) argues that crisis counselling is the preferred format of therapy for the underclass with an emphasis in therapy upon issues which she sees are significant, for example issues around low income, health problems and stressful life events. She argues it is the preferred format because it is inexpensive, brief and symptom oriented. I do not know if that is the most appropriate way of delivering the service but if clients who really need my service and can’t pay $100 an hour, am I not practicing what I am advocating, that being free of ‘isms’ in my practice? Well that is something for me to explore for the rest of the summer.

Reference

http://www.karunatherapy.co.uk/files/Diversity.pdf

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Staying True Unto Oneself

Posted by: Asa Don Brown on August 14, 2013 3:10 pm

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“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”
~ Steve Jobs

What does it mean to “stay true unto oneself?” Shakespeare spoke of this immortal question, others have reformatted and repackaged the idea, but still many remain uncertain of the essential meaning of being true unto oneself.

What is the importance of staying true unto oneself? However you want to package the basic premise is: be authentic in all that you do. Do not waver from the nature of your true person. Whoever you are, allow that person to shine through.

AUTHENTICITY

Authentic people are undisputedly genuine. Genuine people do not rely on the approval or acceptance of others, rather they diligently seek to be themselves. They deny the ownership of critical words or deeds that others lay at their feet. Genuine people are not perfect, but strive for improvement on a daily and frequent basis. They are also capable of accepting positively constructive criticism, while denying the negative intentions, deeds, actions, or criticisms that others may choose to offer. An authentic person is a sincere person relying upon their inner being for acceptance and approval.

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Tea or Coffee? Use of Ceremonies in Counselling

Posted by: Priya Senroy on July 12, 2013 1:05 pm

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The best thing about my supervision is the warm beverage that my supervisor offers and no matter how my mood is, the beverage is always comforting and an instant conversation starter. So I have been following the same ritual with my clients and its magical how tea, coffee or even hot chocolate breaks the barrier. Doesn’t matter what the choice is, irrespective of the race, the culture, the gender, the issues….that’s the best icebreaker I have seen. I was sharing this with another counsellor who is from East Africa and she introduced me something unique that I have never heard before but made so much sense-and that is what I enjoy about practicing in Toronto, with its rich diverse background of professionals who bring with them a plethora of information. So I got introduced to the Kaffa Ceremony Intervention, which is an unique, culturally appropriate, group counseling intervention and was used for working with female East African refugees. My colleague shared that she happened to be part of the group being a refugee herself .So researching about this intervention; I came upon an article from UNESCO. The authors describe the Kaffa or coffee ceremony similar to the traditions of the Native American talking circle. The article can be read at http://www.unevoc.unesco.org/e-forum/EbscohostTVET.pdf. I am now more curious to find out about the different tea/coffee ceremonies that exist and also find out any underlying therapeutic content and I think when we talk about multicultural counselling, it makes sense to be aware of why we use certain techniques, where did they originate from and use it more in culturally appropriate manner when it is in a social context or in counselling.

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA