Before addressing the issue of breaking out of the bullying relationship, it is important to note that there’s an underlying dynamic that makes the process of ending the abuse so much more difficult: codependence. We’ve all had the experience of knowing someone in an obviously bad relationship, be it intimate, professional or otherwise. We wonder why he or she insists in staying in that relationship. The answer seems simple: just get out. In reality, it’s not that simple. Both parties have come to depend on one another to meet certain needs; hence, they are co-dependents.
Dr. Stephen B. Karpman’s Drama Triangle is a good way to illustrate the dynamic of codependent dynamic of the bully-victim relationship.
From the point of view of the bully, we’ve already pointed out his dependence: he wants his scapegoat and source of narcissistic supply. But what is the victim trying to get out of that relationship? Usually, for the bully to change the dynamic: an apology, a change of heart, an awareness of the pain he’s inflicting, validation, etc… Perhaps the victimized one is secretly hoping that his abuser will become a rescuer, since there is no one else who seems to be able to save him, due to his isolation from all support. When all hope of rescue is gone, it is then that the victim either throws in the towel to accept moral death (sometimes leads to suicide) or snaps and attempts to take control and fight off the bully. Continue reading → *The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA
This blog post on bullying has to do with the short-term effects that bullying has on the victims while under the bully’s influence. The points I will be explaining are taken from Marie-France Hirigoyen’s book “Le harcèlement moral: la violence perverse au quotidien”. Although the points are mainly hers, I will be explaining them in my own words. The following points are tell-tale signs that we, counsellors, may have a victim of bullying sitting in front of us.
Standing Down: Victims of bullying generally stand down out of fear of undesired consequences: retaliation, break up, guilt-trip, humiliation, loss, etc. The bully will use this fear as leverage, thus mentally paralyzing his victim.
Confusion: Most of the bullying is passive-aggressive and ambiguous at the onset, which leaves room to doubt the aggressive nature of the actions committed or the words spoken. As a result of the confusion, it is not uncommon over time for the individual to experience poor concentration, frequent loss of train of thought, delayed reactions, reduced ability to perform complex intellectual activities, etc.
Self-doubt: The bully sees to it that the victim think that he is guilty about what happens and yet feel powerless to do anything about it. Self-doubt in the face of the violence suffered creates paralyzing confusion. As the victim becomes defenseless, he also becomes the scapegoat upon whom the aggressor puts all of his own insecurities, faults, flaws, etc… *The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA
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