Tag Archives: relationships

Emotional Disconnection is like Inflammation of the Body—It Hurts!

Posted by: Danielle Lambrecht on June 3, 2016 12:02 pm

When couples experience emotional disconnection it is like a virus that invades the body and spreads. It is painful and sometimes long lasting and chronic. It is more difficult to clear up after it has invaded the entire body, but it is possible! Like any unwanted invader, it must be noticed, and dealt with, and have the proper antidote. The antidote is creating continuous “moments of connection and bonding” between the couple; keeping them immune.

Over thousands and thousands of years relationship bonding has been known as an ancient primal need. It carries within it a fundamental system built to assist human survival. It has been attachment science that has demonstrated that infants who do not receive human touch do not thrive. Throughout the human lifespan and even into the last stages of life, studies have shown men have shorter life spans without a mate. The evidence is there, that attachment is not only essential for human survival, but integral to optimal health and wellness. Therefore, why it is very important to understand how emotional disconnection between two people can be harmful.

Two people that are bonded are a system of attachment. Each person integrates “self” into the system and it becomes “one”, but interdependent on the other. Secure-based relationships have this well-established attachment system that allow for hardwiring, or fixed connection to each other. It makes for a strong emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual connection and a strong knowing that each one can depend and trust the other.

Emotional disconnected partners have less of secure base or attachment to the other due to ongoing “bond ruptures”. These bond ruptures create emotional and physical distance, insecurities, self-doubts, emotional pain, and continue to erode the couples system of attachment. The couples’ primal need is not met and the relationship becomes an insecure-base of indifferences.

One of the main strategies to create a secure-based relationship is to stop bond ruptures that create gaps and distance between the couple. How to do this, is by doing the exact opposite. By using proximity and reaching out to your partner you have them notice that felt sense of connection and safety. Partners long for attachment and a simple turning and reaching for your partner whether that be in loving words or a physical gesture, the positive, connective energy is the same. When you seek closeness with your partner you stop the “inflammation invasion” and create a safe haven again. It does take time.

Danielle Lambrecht Counselling 2016 ©

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Why is it so hard to communicate with my partner?

Posted by: Danielle Lambrecht on May 19, 2016 10:44 am

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This is one of the main questions I hear in relationship counselling. It is not an easy one to answer at first. The reason for this is that each person’s style of communicating can be different from the other. When this is the truth, it needs to be recognized during the beginning of therapy and then addressed with the couple.

If one person has a passive style, it means this person will not be direct with what they really think or how they feel. Their behavior may be incongruent with what they are saying to their partner and this can lead to confusion within the couple.

If the other person is aggressive, they may show frustration, be irritable, and could be verbally abusive. This person may have learned this style growing up and not know any other way to get their needs met. However, this style can and will erode a relationship. In addition, when met with this aggressive style, their partner could retreat, withdraw, and shut down.

I would eventually see this couple in my office. They would both be at their wits end and know that they cannot communicate effectively, but are stuck in old reinforced communication styles. There are power struggles, ongoing unresolved conflicts, silent treatments, and one-up-man ships behaviors because each wants the other to meet their “needs”. This couple can walk into my office at a stalemate in their relationship, both unhappy, worn out, and want their relationship to change.

When both walk in to see me…their communication style is the very first and most important subject to tackle in order to see changes.

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Compulsive Texting

Posted by: Dawn Schell on November 4, 2015 2:52 pm

It started out innocently enough. A teacher asking students to put their phones away and focus on what was happening in the class. One of the students said she felt “anxious” about not having access to her phone. Other students echoed her sentiment. The teacher was flexible enough to engage in the conversation and ask them to explain. The conclusion – some students said not being able to text at any given moment or to check their messages left them feeling nervous, anxious, worried. Naturally this concerned the teacher.

Now I don’t mean this to come across as yet another adult shaking her finger at the younger generation and saying they have it all wrong. When someone says NOT doing something leaves them feeling anxious I think it merits further exploration.

A recent study published in the Psychology of Popular Media Culture journal (http://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/ppm-ppm0000100.pdf) looked at the role “compulsive texting behaviour” plays in students’ academic functioning. The research focused on assessing what counts as “compulsive texting” as well as three components of academic functioning (grades, social bonding and perceived academic competence). While the study was conducted with a relatively small number of Grade 8 & 11 students (n=403) and is based on self-reporting it’s worth having a closer look at their results.

The first step was to create a measure for compulsive texting that is similar to one used for Compulsive Internet Use (Young, K.S. 1998). They wanted to assess for: interference with tasks, cognitive preoccupation and concealment, all potential indicators of compulsivity. Their research showed a high internal consistency for their Compulsive Texting Scale.

The authors measured frequency of texting, compulsive texting, academic adjustment, and gender differences. They found:

Females had higher levels of compulsive texting than males (12% vs. 3%)
“It appears it is the compulsive nature of texting – not the sheer frequency – that is problematic”
There is a relationship between compulsive texting and poorer academic functioning for females and not for males

Hmm. Now that is interesting!

The authors go on to speculate about potential explanations for females being more susceptible to compulsive texting behaviour. They point to research that indicates “females are more likely than males to engage in rumination or obsessive, preoccupied thinking” (see study for details). They also are “more likely to focus their intimacy in interpersonal relationships than males”. Which may mean the content of their texts may be more “distracting or interfering than the texts males receive”.

The researchers discuss the limitations of their study and conclude with a reminder that texting can have potential benefits as well. It’s like anything really – when the use becomes compulsive that’s when we need to find ways to address it.

Dawn M. Schell, MA, CCC, CCDP is an affiliate of Worldwide Therapy Online, Inc. http://www.therapyonline.ca

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

When we Stumble, it is Simply Part of the Dance

Posted by: Bonney Elliott on November 3, 2015 12:55 pm

As we struggle to wrap minds and bodies around a new sequence, our wise dance teacher asserts that Argentine tango is not complicated, but complex. His words give me pause, and hope. Tango looks complicated, and takes years of practice to master. Yet, even the most dazzling choreography is essentially a pattern of basic steps.

As a psychotherapist, this distinction seems quite relevant beyond the dance floor. Helping clients who are suffering to make sense out their lives can feel complicated, but perhaps the intricate dance of psychotherapy is, like tango, a layering of steps and patterns.

A few concepts that simplify therapeutic relationship for me are connection, presence, self-awareness, humility and perspective. When a dance goes well, the partners are in sync. They have a strong, tangible connection that transcends the alchemy of physical chemistry or attraction. Dancers communicate with each other, often nonverbally. Therapists deliberately cultivate and maintain empathetic attunement with our clients. Connection is the fulcrum for therapy. When Ego steps into the space between us, connection wavers. Miscommunications happen. Insecurity and perfectionism complicate relationships.

As dance partners need to be fully present to each other to coordinate their steps and negotiate the space of the dance floor, the therapeutic process flows when we manage to stay together in the moment with our clients. Mindful presence helps us to keep in step and rhythm, to focus on what is actually happening. Staying centered in any complex relationship takes self-awareness. Partner dancing is not about one controlling the lead or the other blindly following. They work together, each learning to maintain individual frame and axis of balance. Similarly, therapy evolves when both partners are able to keep their feet under them, therapist self-awareness nurturing client self-awareness.

To grow and learn is to be vulnerable. Good dancers expect to make mistakes, to fall in and out of sync and rhythm. As the saying goes, when you stumble, make it part of the dance. Err graciously. They improve over time at stepping back to figure out how a small step gone awry threw off the entire pattern. Similarly, therapy is rarely a linear process. One step forward, two steps back. Creating new patterns of being requires patience and practice. It takes humility to own our fears and foibles while gently calling our clients on theirs.

Keeping perspective is important. The essence of any dance is simply expressive movement to music. Good dancers attend to the technical details while keeping in mind the bigger picture they are co-creating. Whatever theoretical methodologies we subscribe to and creative counselling techniques we weave in to help our clients wade through the intricacies of human feeling, thought and circumstance, the essence of our work is the co-creation of meaningful, compassionate dialogue. Simply put, psychotherapy is a therapeutic conversation. Inherently complex, but not necessarily complicated.

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Starting Anew

Posted by: Jennifer Morrison on September 4, 2015 12:15 pm

I have very recently began a new position as a guidance counsellor in three schools, all of which have never had a guidance counsellor before. Although all schools are extremely grateful to have me, there are still some challenges surrounding the creation of a brand new position. Where are they going to locate me, will there be a private space, private phone line, filing cabinet to store confidential files, a space that is suitable for counselling? How will staff, parents and students react to this new role? Some of this is out of my control and I must live with that. However, there is still a lot I can do to make this an easier transition for everyone.

At this point in the game I am simply trying to allow students and staff to see me in the school. I am walking around before school, talking to students, going into the staff room to meet teachers. Overall, I want them to know that I am here. Now is not the time to come into their classrooms and start pulling out students. They have only been back to class for two days and I am unfamiliar to everyone. I feel that staff must first get to know me and what it is I do, before they will be willing to send their students to see me. I think that is reasonable. I feel it will be a while before they are comfortable enough to send students my way, and that is OK. Continue reading →

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Practical Considerations of Relational Work With Adolescents

Posted by: Barry D'Souza on July 17, 2015 2:48 pm

For those who work relationally, that is, for those who employ in therapy sessions, their experience of the client and the ‘work’ together, sharing personal details or stories is something you do from time to time, whether it is elicited or not. Modeled early on during the first number of sessions, as part of how they ‘sit’ and are present with clients, the therapist’s disclosures may be said to help create the safe and collaborative ‘third space’ of therapy. But, what about when the client is an adolescent? What about when three sessions into the work, the young client exhibits great pride for the kinds of manipulations they successfully ‘use’ with their parents, making you wonder briefly if they might employ this art with you. When the subject matter turns to illicit drugs and the adolescent’s use of them and they enquire as to whether you (who for them at the moment is an adult, a therapist, and someone he/she is considering trusting) use them, the therapist’s disclosure in this instance speaks to issues of the therapist’s trust of the client, interest in authenticity and ultimately an unspoken equality in honesty in portraying personal experience.

Answering truthfully to a question that comes out of the natural flow of the exchange can mean a ‘powering down’ before the youth can make the therapist-client relationship more human. Feelings of being exposed to someone younger might arise making you feel uncomfortable. Knowing yourself and what is the source of this discomfort seems important. Telling a lie, even when the likelihood of the youth ever knowing different might undermine the authenticity of the emerging connection from the therapist’s perspective. If this tricky moment were later in the work with the client, it’d be a question of maintenance of the connection.

Continue reading →

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

The Hidden Gift of “Inside Out”

Posted by: Reynaldo Valerio on July 10, 2015 12:02 pm

Ever wondered what the little voices in your head look like? Ever wanted to chat with them, tête-à-tête? Well, now you can thanks to Pixar’s new movie “Inside Out” which offers an amazing opportunity to look at our emotions to improve our relationship with them. I enjoyed watching this movie, not only as long-time Pixar fan, but also as a psychotherapist because it presents in a funny and simple way how our emotions impact our lives, keeping a hidden gem until the very end.

To save the movie for those who haven’t seen it yet, I’d just say that “Inside Out” is a story about Riley, a preteen girl facing a change in her life and the emotional journey this change brings into her life. As Ian Phillips says in his Business Insider’s blog, this movie can make a man cry. The movie is full of emotions, sure, but could it also make us think?
Continue reading →

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Sand, Story and Solidarity: Finding Joy and Meaning in Clinical Work

Posted by: Bonney Elliott on May 4, 2015 9:06 am

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My work life is split between coaching cancer patients and their families, and private general psychotherapy practice. In both domains, the clients who come to see me are often in the midst of major life transitions. Their stories can be heart wrenching. I could easily get lost in their suffering, Take it on and bring it home with me. Or worse, become so detached that it ceases to affect me at all. Both alternatives would impact my wellbeing and my longevity as a practitioner. There is no perfect formula for keeping the fire in the belly alive in my clinical work. Mitigating compassion fatigue is not simply about finding the perfect job and job/life balance, or staying healthy through self-care, nurturing relationships and mindfulness. It is about finding joy and meaning in the work I do.

The three pillars of my clinical practice are sand, story and solidarity. Sand represents the Sand Tray Therapy that brings creativity, joy and lightness to the work, even with clients who have experienced significant trauma. Story represents Narrative Therapy and my own writing, which help me to find truth and beauty in client’s stories. Solidarity comes from the practitioner community that I belong to, my lifeboat of support. I meet with like-minded practitioners regularly, through group supervision and collaborative practice groups. Having a therapeutic community sustains my practice, keeps me grounded and bridges the isolation of clinical work. Continue reading →

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Adult Bullying: It’s a Reality

Posted by: Jonathan Delisle on April 29, 2015 2:52 pm

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If you were to ask your clients what bullying is, some would identify events where they felt violated or pushed around by others. Some would recall an incident that made them feel targeted by others. Still some would think of specific people with whom they had negative experiences. Many would probably think back to that school bully. We’ve all experienced bullying and can say something about it, but it’s not easy to define it. It has a source. It has consequences. It has patterns.

Bullying isn’t a problem that exists in schools and children’s lives only. It is a problem that is very much present in the adult world. Anyone is capable of bullying, regardless of age, maturity, beliefs, or moral values. “Sometimes it looks different or is called by different names: sexual harassment, stalking, workplace aggression, or scapegoating. But like in childhood, bullying is one person controlling or harming someone else by use of power.” (Harmon, 2012) As counsellors and psychotherapists, we deal mostly with the aftermath of the abuse.

Continue reading →

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

The Unintended Benefits of a Counselling Degree – Part 1

Posted by: Peter Persad on April 21, 2015 10:30 am

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As a prospective counsellor, you may be asking yourself “Why should I do a degree in Counselling?” For those of us that have a formal background in the field, the answers are self-evident and myriad. For me personally, my Masters in Counselling out of Gonzaga University was one of the most powerful learning experiences of my life. And it wasn’t about the “counselling” theories, practice, etc. It was about “me”

That is, the two years that I spent learning and studying and practicing and writing didn’t so much help me to become a counsellor or develop my skills as a practitioner as it was about me simply becoming a better person, developing my interpersonal skills and expanding my introspective analysis and intrapersonal acumen.

I had no idea that this would be a by-product of my time, effort and money. (Isn’t serendipity wonderful?) I fully expected that I would gain a background in psychology and psychotherapy and develop skills that would help me to help others. What I didn’t expect was how intimate I would become with those aspects of my personality that were, how shall I put it, “less than satisfactory”. I thought I had people skills! I actually didn’t! It was a very humbling realization. I thought I was a good listener. I was in fact a pretty good talker. I thought I was doing a Masters in Counselling to get job skills. What I found was that I needed to work on my people skills. This was incredibly important, life-changing information for me to have as a 30-year-old “professional.” (At that point, I was 5 years into a career as a professional educator.)

So, “Why should you do a degree in Counselling?” Do it for yourself! You will become a better person. You will develop better interpersonal skills. You will develop a better understanding of who you are, what makes you “tick” and the ability to step back, analyze your feelings and behaviours and, ultimately, make better choices. These choices are fundamental to living a fulfilled, satisfying life. You will like yourself more and the people around you will like you more. You will establish and maintain better, more fulfilling relationships because you will have a better understanding of yourself. And really, how can any of us expect to have better relationships with others if we haven’t developed that most important of relationships? With ourselves?

In Part Two of this Blog I will explore the unintended benefits of having a counselling degree in my day-to-day work life.

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA