Tag Archives: relationship

Proximity- How Close Are You?

Posted by: Danielle Lambrecht on August 26, 2016 11:55 am

Proximity is a felt sense of connection to another and is not just within the physical realm, but is also emotional and spiritual. According to Sue Johnson, proximity is one of the laws of attachment. It is not an idea, but a primal need that is built within each of us. We all need a solid attachment to at least one main figure and if we had that in our childhoods, most likely we would have a secure attachment to others as we grow up.sistersclose

When we have safety in connection with others we can grow and develop and live healthy lives. We grow up to be adults who are flexible, creative, balanced and trust those who are either in our lives or entering in. We can develop solid attachments with others without loosing our sense of personal power. We give ourselves permission to live from an authentic place without worry of disapproval and loss of self.

The opposite is true if we did not experience proximity that felt sense of connection, we may fear people and see love as dangerous. We may fear rejection and have difficulty getting close to other people even when we want or need to. We may not be able to calm ourselves from fear of loss and struggle with feeling emotional imbalanced when what we really want is to feel safe and loved.

As a couple’s counselor, it is important to help clients see their relationship through the attachment lens. This attachment point of view allows couples to be encouraged to talk about their longing for attachment with their partner without their own fears of abandonment or rejection getting in their way. Couples learn strategies on how to seek proximity and deal with triggers as they arise. Couples can also develop secure attachments to one another by learning how to be emotional available, responsive to another, and practice ways that encourage continued emotional engagement.

Danielle Lambrecht, RSW, MCC.CCC

Danielle Lambrecht Counselling

©2016

Please submit any comments and I will gladly respond. Thank you.




*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Schrodinger’s Cat in Couples Therapy

Posted by: Barry D'Souza on March 2, 2016 4:29 pm

Today I was working with a young couple who like most at a point in the early family and career-making stages of life, struggle to come to terms with the stress, pain and loss associated with transitions. It was the second session and the young, European couple, of mixed national backgrounds, began to reveal how their thinking was past and future orientated in so many ways.

My hunch about the couples therapy at that moment emerged – they were going to the past of who they were when they originally met to soothe themselves about the frustrations about where they were now (feeling stuck as individuals) and as result as a couple, feeling increasingly unhappy together. My hunch emerged further – their persons and personalities, to each other, had undergone extensive “flattening”, as the blame thrown to the other for what was going wrong for them and in their couple mounted.

I found myself in the session trying to reach out to feel the frustration of who they were as individuals and at the time, I felt this to be the ‘work’ of the moment. (note: it may be something of model reminder for work with individuals with a contemporary, western cultural background and experience, that the order to consider is individual frustration first, couple frustration second). As I started thinking of my couple as individuals needing to hear, feel and see each other again, it came to me – Shrodinger’s cat, the thought experiment in theoretical physics!

No expert on the matter, the idea that we never know the state (i.e. dead or alive) of cat in the box until we open it, and that we effectively have to imagine and consider the cat inside, as being anywhere in a continuum of alive to dead in the box, to really live the quantum reality, became an interesting metaphor. I didn’t explain it to them in the 54th minute of what was to be 1.5hr session, but, I suddenly knew what I felt could be useful – a little reminder that the other is wife/husband, woman/man, each a career professional, each a social being, each with a worldview, each with individual needs and a personal path (that is spiritual even if you let it be).   At the time we didn’t’ exactly do what I am proposing as a potentially fresh new couple’s therapy intervention. That is, each in the couple take turns viewing the other as the cat in Shrodinger’s box, observing the other in a continuum of themselves and all that they are or might want to be. The forgetting of this is problematic to the individual, man or woman, same sex etc. and the intervention designed to promote the summoning of the individual in more full view, may be restorative to a couple’s communication, fruitful to a compassionate understanding and accepting of the other’s needs, while it promotes a critical self-evaluation of how the man/woman has ‘othered’, ‘gendered’, ‘boxed-in’ the other as part of their couple narrative.




*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Adult Bullying: Codependence

Posted by: Jonathan Delisle on July 15, 2015 9:52 am

Before addressing the issue of breaking out of the bullying relationship, it is important to note that there’s an underlying dynamic that makes the process of ending the abuse so much more difficult: codependence. We’ve all had the experience of knowing someone in an obviously bad relationship, be it intimate, professional or otherwise. We wonder why he or she insists in staycycleing in that relationship. The answer seems simple: just get out. In reality, it’s not that simple. Both parties have come to depend on one another to meet certain needs; hence, they are co-dependents.

Dr. Stephen B. Karpman’s Drama Triangle is a good way to illustrate the dynamic of codependent dynamic of the bully-victim relationship.

From the point of view of the bully, we’ve already pointed out his dependence: he wants his scapegoat and source of narcissistic supply. But what is the victim trying to get out of that relationship? Usually, for the bully to change the dynamic: an apology, a change of heart, an awareness of the pain he’s inflicting, validation, etc… Perhaps the victimized one is secretly hoping that his abuser will become a rescuer, since there is no one else who seems to be able to save him, due to his isolation from all support. When all hope of rescue is gone, it is then that the victim either throws in the towel to accept moral death (sometimes leads to suicide) or snaps and attempts to take control and fight off the bully. Continue reading




*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

How Intimate Are You?

Posted by: Hailing Huang on September 28, 2012 4:09 pm

Intimacy and Personality Type

At Tuesday’s meeting, one of the counsellors brought up this question: if intimacy enhances a couple’s relationship, then how about the relationship with ourselves- the intra-intimacy? And will this type of intra-intimacy help us to build our inter-intimate (couple’s) relationship? This is an interesting question, which leads me to think about what is the definition of intimacy and what is the intra -intimacyship with ourselves?

One of the senior counsellors defined intimacy as: ‘within a relationship, a person’s openness and honesty comes from four perspectives: the mind, heart, body and soul with his/her spouse. The openness and honesty are the keys in couple’s relationship.’ I think this rule can also be applied to intra-intimacy as well. Are we being honest and open mind with our feelings, thoughts, and behaviors? Or do we even know how we feel, think or behave?

In her book “Revolution Come from Within”, Gloria Steinem disclosed that after she wrote the first two hundred pages of the book, she asked a friend who happened to be a family therapist to review it. Her friend commented: “Gloria, you have a self-esteem problem, you forgot to put yourself in.” Gloria Steinem had self-esteem issues!!! ??? Gloria Steinem, a pioneer advocate of the women’s rights movement during the 60’s and 70’s, and also had been named one of the ten most confident women in the United States by “ The Keri Report” . Isn’t it an ironic comment? It seems success does not lead to healthy self–esteem.

Continue reading




*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA