Tag Archives: family

Life’s a Masquerade

Posted by: Lakawthra Cox, M.A., MAPC, LPC, NCC, CCC on March 15, 2019 8:16 am
1 Reply

My sister had a masquerade party for her 30th birthday. The guests were dressed like 17th century patrons in fancy ball clothes, and even her cake had a vertical floating gold masquerade ball mask. Children, adults, and grandparents attended her authentically themed party, hosted in a large party hall. Can you imagine waltzing across a ballroom floor in your fancy clothes, while you escape in the music and getting to enjoy the company of other guests through great conversation, warmth, and laughter? The hors d’oeuvres are simply smashing. Generally, people report friendships or close relationships as the most valuable and meaningful part of life (Klinger, 1997; Bibby, 2001). What better way to spend time than in a masquerade party with good friends and family.

I never considered having a special party for my 30th birthday, or any other birthday for that matter. I am lucky to care to attend my own graduations, as I skipped my high school and my first master degree graduation. My approach to skipping out on celebrations is far from healthy. Skipping out leads to not only isolating yourself, but also isolating other people in your life. When my children view old videos of my family, they always ask my mother or sisters, “Where was my mom?” I was usually engaged in my own individual activities somewhere else in the house. My absence from family activities in my adolescence has apparently robbed my children, a generation later, of any meaningful insight about my life growing up. Avoid isolating yourself, as isolation can lead to loneliness among other negative emotional consequences. Remember to celebrate life, yourself, and your accomplishments – even the small ones.

Now, I take time out to smell the roses, so to speak, and you should do the same. Life is a masquerade but don’t hide behind your masks – have a ball. If you do, your happiness will keep you healthier.

References
Bibby, R.W. (2001). Canada’s Teens, Today, Yesterday and Tomorrow. Toronto: Starddart.
Klinger, D.A. (1997). Negotiating order in patrol work: an ecological theory of police response to Deviance. Criminology 35(2):277–306.



*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Dealing with Difficult People

Posted by: Trudi Wyatt on July 23, 2015 12:24 pm

Many people come to psychotherapy due to frustrations in dealing with “difficult people” in their day-to-day lives – family and extended family members, colleagues, fellow TTC passengers, etc. On this topic of dealing with difficult people, I recently listened to Louisa Jewell, President of the Canadian Positive Psychology Association, interview David J. Pollay, MAPP and author of “The Law of the Garbage Truck: How to Stop People from Dumping on You”(1). Some of the content of that interview is shared here.

Mr. Pollay explains that while we sometimes allow other people to “dump their emotional garbage” on us, allowing this – taking it personally, giving meaning to what they say, absorbing the words – can weigh us down and make us unhappy. He points out that even seemingly small/insignificant garbage – everyday “hassles” such as criticisms and complaints – can have a negative impact on our health, and lure us away from focusing on what is truly meaningful to us in our lives.

Mr. Pollay was inspired to write this book when he encountered a New York City Taxi driver who, having been cut off and then yelled at by the very driver who cut him off, just smiled and waved at this other driver, and moved on. In turn, Mr. Pollay now suggests that people remind themselves that, “I am not a garbage truck. I do not accept negative emotional garbage I can’t control and dump it on others.”

Of course choosing not to engage in others’ garbage offloads is not as easy as 1-2-3! But with practice, and in time, it can potentially save a lot of energy.

Other strategies provided by Mr. Pollay for this sort of challenge include: Asking the person dumping his garbage on you if he would like a chance to vent, as this question tends to slow the person down; reducing your interactions with this person; and/or, when you catch someone who often dumps her garbage on you acting kindly towards you, notice it, point it out, and mention how much you appreciate this behaviour over when she’s picking on you.
pair-707506_640

Trudi Wyatt, MA, RP, CCC is a Registered Psychotherapist and Canadian Certified Counsellor in Private Practice in downtown Toronto. She has been practising for six years and currently works with individual adults on a variety of life challenges such as depression, anger management, post-traumatic stress disorder, relationships, and career direction.

References:
1. 14 May 2015 Louisa Jewell interview with David J. Pollay: Dealing with Difficult People.




*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Practical Considerations of Relational Work With Adolescents

Posted by: Barry D'Souza on July 17, 2015 2:48 pm

For those who work relationally, that is, for those who employ in therapy sessions, their experience of the client and the ‘work’ together, sharing personal details or stories is something you do from time to time, whether it is elicited or not.   Modeled early on during the first number of sessions, as part of how they ‘sit’ and are present with clients, the therapist’s disclosures may be said to help create the safe and collaborative ‘third space’ of therapy. But, what about when the client is an adolescent? What about when three sessions into the work, the young client exhibits great pride for the kinds of manipulations they successfully ‘use’ with their parents, making you wonder briefly if they might employ this art with you. When the subject matter turns to illicit drugs and the adolescent’s use of them and they enquire as to whether you (who for them at the moment is an adult, a therapist, and someone he/she is considering trusting) use them, the therapist’s disclosure in this instance speaks to issues of the therapist’s trust of the client, interest in authenticity and ultimately an unspoken equality in honesty in portraying personal experience.

Answering truthfully to a question that comes out of the natural flow of the exchange can mean a ‘powering down’ before the youth can make the therapist-client relationship more human. Feelings of being exposed to someone younger might arise making you feel uncomfortable. Knowing yourself and what is the source of this discomfort seems important. Telling a lie, even when the likelihood of the youth ever knowing different might undermine the authenticity of the emerging connection from the therapist’s perspective. If this tricky moment were later in the work with the client, it’d be a question of maintenance of the connection.

people-438827_640 Continue reading →




*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Vacation!!!

Posted by: Bhavna Verma on April 13, 2015 2:03 pm
Leave a reply

I recently went to India for a much needed vacation! It was one heck of a trip; multiple time zone changes, grueling flights, and extreme weather changes as well. But, totally worth it! The trip was a combination of meeting family, as well as shopping for my upcoming wedding. It was both chaotic as well as relaxing. Chaotic because New Delhi is a city that never stops! It doesn’t matter what time of the day it is, or season, there will always be constant movement; and relaxed, because I got sick halfway through the trip which forced me to stay indoors. Being sick turned out to be the best thing ever! I was able to spend time with family that I had never had a chance to before.qutb-minar-381369_640 It allowed us to not only learn about each other but create a newfound bond. Throughout my past few posts, I had mentioned that there were many resenting situations and stressors in my life. Taking this much needed time out was a perfect way to not only accept the past unpleasant experiences, but also let them go and forge forward. In a way, it allowed me to come back to my world renewed and energized (once the jet lag wore off that is). I have mentioned before that time outs are crucial to having a long healthy relationship with others, as well as maintaining self-care. These time outs do not have to be short and brief, but can definitely be longer ones if required. I do not want to send the message that the vacation was a way of running away from my stressors; rather, it allowed me remove myself from the environment altogether, block them out so that I could fully enjoy my time in India. It also taught me how to recharge my life battery so that I could tackle new stressors. I feel much better now that I am back. I feel like anticipated wedding stress will be a smooth and exciting process because I will not be so bogged down by past experiences. I encourage such time outs. You do not have to take a week-long trip halfway across the world, you can take the time out by even going to a local retreat or spending the weekend away with a loved one! Embrace the time outs, allow for regeneration and utilize the time to breathe, be more mindful and allow yourself to accept and let go of your own personal stressors.




*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

When Family Ties Are Too Tight

Posted by: Farah Lodi on March 13, 2015 8:23 am
Leave a reply

These days I’m working with several clients from collectivist family -oriented cultures. For them, the importance of family values translates into extended family having the same power, influence, rights and responsibilities as nuclear family. When family ties are harmonious then kinship is an excellent source of support and security. But when there’s conflict in the clan, then inter-personal relationships can be harder to navigate because of demanding relatives. Usually these are enmeshed relationships in a very large family unit. It’s like there’s a fire burning in your living room, where everyone congregates. You can’t escape it, you are trapped, and you feel the heat no matter what.

puzzle-210786_640For clients with this world view, a family feud centered around a distant uncle can have the same distressing effect as conflict with a spouse or brother. These clients may rely on external validation from family, have weak personal boundary strength, and easily “catch” emotions from others. The rights that one accords to parents, spouse and siblings are linked to a much wider circle of people. Stressful situations with an aunt, sister-in-law or even cousin who culturally qualify as near and dear- can lead to psychological issues for whoever is at the receiving end of demands, criticism or complaints. Hyper- arousal and elevated cortisol levels can be as easily triggered by distant relatives, as by immediate family. This can activate automatic negative thoughts of “I’m not good enough” with core beliefs emphasizing that “family should come first”. When there’s a lot of trouble the realization that “my family is not happy or normal” can result in unhealthy comparisons, feelings of helplessness and insecurity. In many cultures, when there’s strife in the family, this is a source of shame. These clients then have to deal with guilt and self-worth issues.

Continue reading →




*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Family Tree: an Oak Tree or a Cactus?

Posted by: Farah Lodi on February 11, 2015 12:10 pm
Leave a reply

There are many things that influence our well-being, but family culture is one of the most important factors determining mental and emotional health. The protective factor of having close family nearby to help you, to give advice, to guide or even to set you right, can be like an oak tree: solid, comforting and shady with deep roots that help keep you anchored. Sometimes it can be grandma’s understanding nod or smile, a sibling’s moral support or a parent’s quiet presence that helps you stay psychologically hardy. Turning towards loving family can be a buffer when facing difficult life situations and sometimes an effective enough alternative to psychotropic medications. The latest research on addictions treatment also points to strong family support as an indicator for successful rehab therapy, over-riding the significance of chemical hooks. People who enjoy this extra cushioning stay resilient and don’t need counselling.

On the other hand, sometimes living close to family can be emotionally taxing as boundaries are crossed (or never even established), and autonomy and independence may be hard to uphold. Relationships can become rigid and dry; managing family interactions can be like scaling the thorny, hollow limbs of a cactus tree. The sting of a perfectionist parent’s demanding expectations or a narcissistic spouse can result in feelings of low self-worth, unmanageable stress, anxiety and depression. Childhood emotional neglect causes long-term feelings of emptiness, an inability to prioritize one’s own needs, and shallow relationships. Many of my counselling clients present with these symptoms, and more than half the time they have to deal with deeply rooted family issues. When family values are embedded in a client’s worldview, internal feelings of self-loathing, blame and shame add layers to the problem, while clients from an individualistic culture often find it easier to detach and move on when faced with family conflict.

Family can be a stabilizing or a destructive factor. When clients talk about their oak tree, I invite family members to the session and involve them in counselling strategies – this usually helps. And when the client’s problem is aggravated by a cactus, we look for alternative positive relationships and activities, with more emphasis on problem- solving and self-soothing skills. The course of therapy and treatment planning is determined by whether the family is protective like an oak tree or thorny like a cactus.




*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA