Tag Archives: Communication

Why is it so hard to communicate with my partner?

Posted by: Danielle Lambrecht on May 19, 2016 10:44 am

This is one of the main questions I hear in relationship counselling. It is not an easy one to answer at first. The reason for this is that each person’s style of communicating can be different from the other. When this is the truth, it needs to be recognized during the beginning of therapy and then addressed with the couple.

If one person has a passive style, it means this person will not be direct with what they really think or how they feel. Their behavior may be incongruent with what they are saying to their partner and this can lead to confusion within the couple.

If the other person is aggressive, they may show frustration, be irritable, and could be verbally abusive. This person may have learned this style growing up and not know any other way to get their needs met. However, this style can and will erode a relationship. In addition, when met with this aggressive style, their partner could retreat, withdraw, and shut down.

I would eventually see this couple in my office. They would both be at their wits end and know that they cannot communicate effectively, but are stuck in old reinforced communication styles. There are power struggles, ongoing unresolved conflicts, silent treatments, and one-up-man ships behaviors because each wants the other to meet their “needs”. This couple can walk into my office at a stalemate in their relationship, both unhappy, worn out, and want their relationship to change.

When both walk in to see me…their communication style is the very first and most important subject to tackle in order to see changes.

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Effectively communicating in your personal life

Posted by: Jamie Dovedoff on May 5, 2016 12:00 pm

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As counsellors we aim to minimize the amount of emotional harm a client is experiencing or inflicting on themselves through teaching and modeling effective communication, expressing compassion and patience. But what about our own conditioned human response and how we communicate with ourselves or others in our personal life?

I recently read a book by Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg – Nonviolent Communication: A language of life. He outlined to communicate nonviolently is a process of communicating compassionately with both yourself and others. Dr. Rosenberg outlined 4 steps in the process of “compassionate communication”:

1) Observations – the actions we observe that affect our well being

To make honest observations about the actions which impact our well being we must be willing to observe without evaluation. In other words, we acknowledge a particular action without judgment as we would if we were observing the action (s) of our client.

2) Feelings – how we feel in relation to what we observe

Though it may be easier said than done, we must be willing to identify the feeling(s) associated with the action (s) we observed in ourselves/others that negatively impacted our well being. Dr. Rosenberg encourages the individual to distinguish feelings from thoughts (i.e. I am disappointed in my performance versus I am a failure); distinguish between what we feel and what we think we are (i.e. I am sad my client has decided not to continue to see me versus I am a terrible counselor) and; distinguish between what we feel and how we think others react or behave toward us (i.e. I am lonely versus I feel like you abandoned me).

3) Needs – identifying the needs, values and desires that create our feelings

In this step of the process, we take responsibility for our feelings versus blaming others for how we feel. Instead of using judgments, criticism, diagnoses, and interpretations as to the reason our needs are not being met, we can choose to take ‘emotional responsibility’ for our actions.

4) Requests – the actions we request in order to enrich our lives

The final step is to be open to asking for what it is we want. This request should come without a demand and be clear and specific. The intent is not to force someone to behave in a certain way but to request an action if the person is willing to do so without guilt or feeling like they “have to”.

In summary, to promote compassionate understanding and communication within our personal lives and, most importantly, with ourselves: take ownership; be willing to be open & honest and; be receptive.

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Counselling in the Outdoors

Posted by: Jennifer Morrison on November 9, 2015 1:30 pm

This will be a short and to the point blog. I have been recently asked by my schools to work with students outside during lunch hours as a way of interacting with those students who may not be candidates for my services, but could still use a positive role model in an unstructured environment. I was apprehensive of this at first as I felt that my time would be better applied doing group work with students. Two days outside and I already find myself reaping the benefits of the all-student interactions. I do miss eating and chatting with my colleagues but I have students coming up to me to chat, walk around, hang out and ask for advice. What a great unobtrusive and informal way of getting work done. I was stuck with this idea that we work in our offices, one on one or small groups, doing lesson plans and talking to teachers about ways to help children. All that is great and I am very comfortable with that, but perhaps it is time for me to see and try other ways to counsel students.

I admit that change is not an easy thing for me and I do tend to get anxious when expectations of me change. However, change can be a very good thing and in this case it has given me the opportunity to look at my job in a different way. School counsellors are moving away from the ‘office’ and into the classrooms and playgrounds. This is a good thing and I plan to do my best to embrace it. I know there will be times when I will want to stay inside on the cold winter days, huddled in the staff room with my fellow teachers. When these thoughts creep up I will have to remember that the benefits of working with students in their own space while at the same time getting fresh air and shaking out my own cobwebs is well worth the 30 minute change in my schedule.

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

When we Stumble, it is Simply Part of the Dance

Posted by: Bonney Elliott on November 3, 2015 12:55 pm

As we struggle to wrap minds and bodies around a new sequence, our wise dance teacher asserts that Argentine tango is not complicated, but complex. His words give me pause, and hope. Tango looks complicated, and takes years of practice to master. Yet, even the most dazzling choreography is essentially a pattern of basic steps.

As a psychotherapist, this distinction seems quite relevant beyond the dance floor. Helping clients who are suffering to make sense out their lives can feel complicated, but perhaps the intricate dance of psychotherapy is, like tango, a layering of steps and patterns.

A few concepts that simplify therapeutic relationship for me are connection, presence, self-awareness, humility and perspective. When a dance goes well, the partners are in sync. They have a strong, tangible connection that transcends the alchemy of physical chemistry or attraction. Dancers communicate with each other, often nonverbally. Therapists deliberately cultivate and maintain empathetic attunement with our clients. Connection is the fulcrum for therapy. When Ego steps into the space between us, connection wavers. Miscommunications happen. Insecurity and perfectionism complicate relationships.

As dance partners need to be fully present to each other to coordinate their steps and negotiate the space of the dance floor, the therapeutic process flows when we manage to stay together in the moment with our clients. Mindful presence helps us to keep in step and rhythm, to focus on what is actually happening. Staying centered in any complex relationship takes self-awareness. Partner dancing is not about one controlling the lead or the other blindly following. They work together, each learning to maintain individual frame and axis of balance. Similarly, therapy evolves when both partners are able to keep their feet under them, therapist self-awareness nurturing client self-awareness.

To grow and learn is to be vulnerable. Good dancers expect to make mistakes, to fall in and out of sync and rhythm. As the saying goes, when you stumble, make it part of the dance. Err graciously. They improve over time at stepping back to figure out how a small step gone awry threw off the entire pattern. Similarly, therapy is rarely a linear process. One step forward, two steps back. Creating new patterns of being requires patience and practice. It takes humility to own our fears and foibles while gently calling our clients on theirs.

Keeping perspective is important. The essence of any dance is simply expressive movement to music. Good dancers attend to the technical details while keeping in mind the bigger picture they are co-creating. Whatever theoretical methodologies we subscribe to and creative counselling techniques we weave in to help our clients wade through the intricacies of human feeling, thought and circumstance, the essence of our work is the co-creation of meaningful, compassionate dialogue. Simply put, psychotherapy is a therapeutic conversation. Inherently complex, but not necessarily complicated.

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Non-Verbals in Session

Posted by: Andrea Cashman on April 23, 2015 10:21 am

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Approximately 90 per cent of communication is exchanged non-verbally and most of that is done in an unconscious way. We use 30 of our 90 facial muscles to convey non-verbal communication (www.counsellingconnection.com) The body’s innate intelligence is an untapped resource in psychotherapy (www.sensorimotorpsychotherapy.org).

You have learnt about non-verbal communication in your counselling graduate studies. It is an essential skill to be able to pick up on subtle non-verbal cues your clients exhibit in session. Most times, a client may not be able to put into words or articulate how they really feel. Non-verbals can speak for them. These non-verbals demonstrate a client’s status in their eye contact, facial expressions, their body movements and in their posture. For example, a depressed client may exhibit a slumped body posture, with their head mostly down, shoulders down, eye contact limited and they may seem to reflect a body posture that turns inward and makes them appear smaller. Most times a client’s non-verbals will match what they are conveying to you verbally about their situation and sometimes there will be an incongruency between what is verbalised versus expressed in body language. It’s an important skill to notice non verbal communication and another skill to be able to incorporate that into therapy by reflecting back what you have observed. Often times client’s are not even aware of the messages their bodies are conveying. Helping them become aware can facilitate body awareness in times of relationship conflicts where others may perceive their body language as threatening or in any other negative fashion.

There are many theories and therapies that utilise nonverbals. Sensorimotor psychotherapy, developed by Pat Ogden in the 1970’s, correlates the disconnection trauma victims feel in their bodies with their physical patterns and their psychological issues. Sensorimotor psychotherapy joins somatic therapy with psychotherapy (www.sensorimotorpsychotherapy.org). Somatic therapy is another holistic therapy that studies the relationship between the mind and the body in regard to psychological past. The word “soma” is a Greek word that means living body. Somatic therapy shows how trauma symptoms and their effects on the autonomic nervous system and how these effects can fester into prominent physical symptoms, digestive issues, hormonal imbalances, sexual dysfunctions, depression, anxiety and addictions (http://psychcentral.com/). In addition, other therapies utilise non verbal communication to some degree. Emotion focused therapy relies on body language to convey emotions and work directly with them. Biofeedback is another therapy that tracks specifically body language by use of monitors or biofeedback machines to ease anxiety and stress. There are many more, of course. Can you think of one that has intrigued you or one therapy that you use specifically in your therapy sessions that utilises the body/body language?
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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

The Loss of a Child

Posted by: Asa Don Brown on October 7, 2014 12:55 pm

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“To lose a child is to lose a piece of yourself.” ~ Dr. Burton Grebin

There is no greater grief, than when a parent losses a child. As a person, I had never truly experienced such a gut-wrenching heartache, until the day that my wife and I lost a child. As a therapist, some may think that I am trained to have “all the known answers,” but the truth is, there are no answers, quick fixes, or remedies to mend the heartbreak around the loss of a child.

The loss of a child is an inconceivable and it is an unimaginable experience. While my wife and I never had an opportunity to get to know our child by physical touch, perception, or smell; we had already bonded with our developing child.

MY DAUGHTER’S HEARTACHE

The day that we were told that our child had passed on, was the most egregious experience of my life. On this very day, not only had I lost my child, but my precious and tendered hearted Delilah experienced the loss of a sibling. At the time, my daughter was a mere 5 years of age, but her cry and her mournful spirit penetrated the very nature of my being. At that moment, I recognized not only the impact that this loss had on myself, my loving wife, but the dire impact that it had on my precious daughter. For me, the loss was like an ocean of emotions consuming my person, but it was further deepened by witnessing the breach of my daughter’s innocence. Furthermore, it was the tenderness of my daughter’s cry that pierced my heart and my soul. It was like I had experienced yet a second loss, a loss of my precious daughter’s innocence and my inability to protect her from harm that broke my spirit.

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Staying True Unto Oneself

Posted by: Asa Don Brown on August 14, 2013 3:10 pm

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“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”
~ Steve Jobs

What does it mean to “stay true unto oneself?” Shakespeare spoke of this immortal question, others have reformatted and repackaged the idea, but still many remain uncertain of the essential meaning of being true unto oneself.

What is the importance of staying true unto oneself? However you want to package the basic premise is: be authentic in all that you do. Do not waver from the nature of your true person. Whoever you are, allow that person to shine through.

AUTHENTICITY

Authentic people are undisputedly genuine. Genuine people do not rely on the approval or acceptance of others, rather they diligently seek to be themselves. They deny the ownership of critical words or deeds that others lay at their feet. Genuine people are not perfect, but strive for improvement on a daily and frequent basis. They are also capable of accepting positively constructive criticism, while denying the negative intentions, deeds, actions, or criticisms that others may choose to offer. An authentic person is a sincere person relying upon their inner being for acceptance and approval.

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

What is Your Source of Inspiration?

Posted by: Asa Don Brown on June 11, 2013 4:42 pm

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“The whole history of science has been the gradual realization that events do not happen in an arbitrary manner, but that they reflect a certain underlying order, which may or may not be divinely inspired.”
~ Stephen Hawking

What is your source inspiration? What or who inspires you to live and prove productive? Is your source of inspiration a person, a place or thing? If so, what is that source of inspiration? Are you inspired by a spiritual being or religious ideological viewpoint? Is your inspiration your soulmate or an important friend?

Why is it important to be inspired? Whether you are inspired by another individual or something within your own person; inspiration is the motivator within life. Inspiration is the catalyst for prodding you forward. What is the importance of inspiration? If we are inspired, we will inspire those around us. Inspiration beseeches inspiration.

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Personal Responsibility

Posted by: Asa Don Brown on May 23, 2013 4:28 pm

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“Personal responsibility is the willingness to completely accept choices that we have made throughout our lives.”
~ Asa Don Brown, Waiting to Live

Personal responsibility is the ability and willingness to accept our past, whether good or bad as a marker within our history. It is also recognizing that our history does not have to define us or be the determining factor of our lives.

PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY IS NOT

Responsibility is not identifying with our past failures or successes. Nor is it allowing others to place the past upon our person. Responsibility cannot be the acceptance of other’s failures or successes. We may have all had a moment in time, whereby we slough off personal responsibility, transfer personal responsibility or blame others for our failures or the successes in our lives. Personal responsibility is not the denial of our successes or of our failures, rather it is the willingness to take ownership of our personal history.

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

The Benefits of Friendship on a Relationship

Posted by: Asa Don Brown on May 6, 2013 1:47 pm

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“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

The key to a healthy relationship is the purposeful development of a healthy friendship. Couples who have achieved the merits of friendship, have strived to develop their relationship beyond the confines the marriage.

“Excluding some very good family relationships, the only other close adult relationships we have besides marriage are with our long-term friends. What is extremely interesting about these two affiliations is that marriage is the least successful adult relationship, whereas long-term friendships are by far the most successful.” (Glasser & Glasser, 2000, p. 17)

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA