Tag Archives: children

Mothering Others…

Posted by: Gloria Pynn BA, BEd, MEd, CCC, RPsych on May 31, 2019 4:07 pm

Recently, I have been reflecting a lot on May as Mental Health Month and also on Mother’s Day. This is typically a day of celebration, but for some individuals Mother’s Day is a day of mourning, and triggers much grief, loss and trauma – most definitely a very complex and multifaceted day to say the least. There can be huge love associated with being or having a mother but also much trauma associated with having, being or trying to become a mother. An awareness of these unique experiences is necessary for therapists in helping clients cope with these “special occasions”. I wanted to highlight just a few interesting mental health initiatives or ideas related to maternal and caregiver mental health.

The Lloydminster Region Health Foundation and My Why are partnered to highlight many mental health concerns but in particular, and more recently, maternal mental health and women facing postpartum depression. The effect of PPD on women and their families is far reaching and the Lloydminster Region Health Foundation and My Why are jointly sharing these women’s stories to raise awareness, validate their lived experiences and reduce stigma. The following is a link to this project and wonderful work:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHpuesp_A3w

Locally on the east coast, we see new mental health initiatives that are to be commended and aim to bring mothers out of the shadows and stigma, such as Newfoundland’s own Stella’s Circle. One of their innovative support programs has targeted incarcerated mothers and their separation from their children. The staff at Just Us Women’s Centre (at Stella’s Circle) works with mothers and the NL Correctional Facility for Women to record a storybook. The book is then delivered to the child, offering them something all children like – to have a story read to them by their mother: https://www.instagram.com/p/BxXQUsvhVaR/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

Even in daily living, we can find important reflection about parenting and mothering insights. On my most recent trip to Costco, I found a wonderful new read and finished the book ironically on Mother’s Day: Jann Arden’s Feeding My Mother: Comfort and Laughter in the Kitchen as a Daughter lives with her Mom’s Memory Loss. It is an intimate look into the artist’s not perfect but very authentic relationship with her parents, and especially her mother’s journey with Alzheimer’s. In my mind, it really captures one lived experience of becoming your “mother’s mother” that I’m sure hits home with many caregivers:

Arden, J. (2019). Feeding My Mother Comfort and Laughter in the Kitchen as a Daughter lives with her Mom’s Memory Loss. Toronto, Ontario: Vintage Canada Penguin Random House Canada.

So, wandering back to my own thoughts… I have always loved words (hence my dual BA degree Psychology and English). The older I get, the more I think of “mother” as a verb, not a noun. It’s the act of mothering that’s key and the connection this act creates is magical and humanly vital to teach empathy and love in our world.

Looking at “Mothers” in this way, allows us to appreciate every person that has ever mothered and truly loved children – biological, adoptive, stepmothers, teachers, aunts, neighbors, godmothers, angel mothers (I love this phrase a friend of mine uses), foster-moms, two Mom families, single dads who have double duty as Mom and Dad, and everyone who choose to not have, or could not have or lost children but have selflessly been mother to countless others with hugs and acts of love daily to those who need it. Happy Mother’s Day every day and love to all who have ever “mothered others”.

Think, talk and always take care,

Gloria
B.A. B.Ed. Dip. Behavior Therapy M. Ed C.C.C. R. Psych

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

My Father’s Hands: Things We Can Learn from Generations that Came Before Us

Posted by: Doc Warren on March 19, 2019 9:17 am

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My father was not much of a talker. Now that I think of it, he wasn’t into nurturing either, but he did teach me a great deal just the same. Though I could probably count the number of hugs on a single finger he gave me from the time I turned ten until he passed away, he still managed to help shape many aspects of my life. I miss him.

Folks can teach us in many ways. They can teach us with their words, be they written or recorded. They can teach us much like the folk stories of old, verbal histories shared from generation to generation, each one with a point, focus on a moment in history or a moral tale. Sometimes these are the best types of stories. The farm that I work on is named from a local folk tale. It was shared from person to person and never written down until the farm was named after the woodland creature in the tale. In fact, much debate was spent on how to spell this creature’s name. At least three renditions were explored before “Pillwillop” was decided upon…

Not being a writer, a talker or a hugger, my father was a bit more limited in his approach. He shared few words, even fewer the number of words that he liked to use that I could actually share in a professional writing. That’s not to say that he had little to teach as his actions taught me much about what I view how a man should behave. He set many an example, some good, some not, but every one helped me become who I am today.

One of my main memories of my father was when I was a toddler. My father was home from work, a real treat for me as I rarely saw him. He was in bed, tired but in a better mood than usual. I looked at his hands. They were cracked from solvents but also stained with machine oil, which gave a spider web type look to his giant (to me) fingers. His palms and several fingers were wrapped with bandages caused by a work mishap. Sometimes the old machines needed to take what they felt were theirs, especially if you were rebuilding them. I remember asking my dad why he was home and he said something about sometimes needing to take a break. He didn’t talk about the pain or injuries and instead just talked about taking a break, he’d be back to work the next day.

I sat their staring at his hands and looking down at mine. Mine were so delicate, his looked like stone. His were cracked and wrapped, mine never had been. Finally I asked him about his hands and why they were wrapped. Only then did he say that sometimes the machines win but he was fine. He’d get the machine back together tomorrow…

All those scars on his hands told the tale of a man whose hardscrabble upbringing helped mold him into what he became. They inspired his son and others though he had so little to say about them. Always inquisitive (many would say nosey), I asked everything I could while I had access to him. There is so much to be learned from those that came before us. So much that has been lived. So much to teach us but so many of our elders keep the stories to themselves. Too little is written down.

As I type these words I look now at my own hands. They are middle aged and at times cannot grip a hammer any longer. They are prematurely worn out due to the same hardscrabble upbringing of their own. We learned to be creative though. When I could not grip a hammer I taped it to my closed hand. When my wrists were full of pain I used that same tape. My father’s hands taught me this. There is much to be learned. So much to be offered if we simply take the time to ask.

To those that are reading this, consider taking a day off from work very soon so that you can spend it with those from older generations. Look not just at their hands, take the time to ask them about life when they were your age. Ask them about when they were younger than you are. Ask them how times and things have changed. Hang onto those words as best you can. Record them if possible so that they can continue to teach us long after we have passed.

There is so much knowledge just waiting to be uncovered. So much that may be on the verge of being lost. Now is the time.

Be safe, do good

-Doc Warren

”Doc Warren” Corson III is a counselor, educator, writer and the founder, developer, clinical & executive director of Community Counseling of Central CT Inc. (www.docwarren.org) and Pillwillop Therapeutic Farm (www.pillwillop.org). He is internationally certified as a Counsellor and Counsellor Supervisor in the USA and Canada (C.C.C., C.C.C.-S, NCC, ACS). He can be contacted at [email protected]

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Pushing Through Anxiety

Posted by: Jennifer Morrison on January 26, 2016 2:47 pm

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We know there seems to be a higher rate of anxiety and panic disorders then there was just a decade ago. Whether that is true, or whether it is just being diagnosed more is uncertain to me. Either way, anxiety seems to the driving force for student absenteeism. I currently have a few students who leave class and wander the hallways looking for places to hide, hoping the teacher forgets they are gone so they do not have to go back to class. Often times those students end up at my door. Sometime they are crying, shaking, trying to get out of the school, making excuses to leave, etc. I have built a habit of being very kind at first when a new student comes in who seems to be anxious. I let them talk, pace, draw or whatever they need to do to calm down for the time being. I have light hearted questions about family, friends, activities, favorite anything, whatever will keep them in my office and not wandering the halls again. I am usually pretty successful in this area and students start to come back to see me willingly.

For me, when students come to me because they want to, the real work begins. I must now do the careful dance of keeping up with the students’ feels, fears, ideas and thoughts without stepping on their toes. I want them to believe that I truly get it because I do. I live around anxiety everyday, at home with my husband and son and at work with staff and students. Working with my own loved ones’ anxiety disorder has helped me to see how it affects people and as a result I think it has made me a “you have to be cruel to be kind” kind of person. I go through a process where students are given tools to make it through and they need to learn them because I will not always be there for them, and sometimes I send them back to class after reminding them of all the resources they have at their disposable (just not me). I request that parents take their kids to school even on the hardest days. I ask teachers to not let my students out of class unless necessary and I send students back to class as soon as possible, whenever possible. I get strange looks from parents and staff but I tell them, “If you want this to get better sometimes they need to do the things that cause anxiety”. A person who is afraid of spiders will not be able to avoid them for the rest of their lives and those with school anxiety cannot avoid school either. They need to be in that moment and experience the uncomfortable, heart pounding moments when anxiety sets in. Feeling and surviving those emotions is part of the battle. Soon those feelings start to diminish and the more you face it and think and talk about it, the easier it gets. It may not ever go away in its entirety but you can learn how to deal with it day by day, minute by minute, hour by hour.

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Counselling in the Outdoors

Posted by: Jennifer Morrison on November 9, 2015 1:30 pm

This will be a short and to the point blog. I have been recently asked by my schools to work with students outside during lunch hours as a way of interacting with those students who may not be candidates for my services, but could still use a positive role model in an unstructured environment. I was apprehensive of this at first as I felt that my time would be better applied doing group work with students. Two days outside and I already find myself reaping the benefits of the all-student interactions. I do miss eating and chatting with my colleagues but I have students coming up to me to chat, walk around, hang out and ask for advice. What a great unobtrusive and informal way of getting work done. I was stuck with this idea that we work in our offices, one on one or small groups, doing lesson plans and talking to teachers about ways to help children. All that is great and I am very comfortable with that, but perhaps it is time for me to see and try other ways to counsel students.

I admit that change is not an easy thing for me and I do tend to get anxious when expectations of me change. However, change can be a very good thing and in this case it has given me the opportunity to look at my job in a different way. School counsellors are moving away from the ‘office’ and into the classrooms and playgrounds. This is a good thing and I plan to do my best to embrace it. I know there will be times when I will want to stay inside on the cold winter days, huddled in the staff room with my fellow teachers. When these thoughts creep up I will have to remember that the benefits of working with students in their own space while at the same time getting fresh air and shaking out my own cobwebs is well worth the 30 minute change in my schedule.

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Starting Anew

Posted by: Jennifer Morrison on September 4, 2015 12:15 pm

I have very recently began a new position as a guidance counsellor in three schools, all of which have never had a guidance counsellor before. Although all schools are extremely grateful to have me, there are still some challenges surrounding the creation of a brand new position. Where are they going to locate me, will there be a private space, private phone line, filing cabinet to store confidential files, a space that is suitable for counselling? How will staff, parents and students react to this new role? Some of this is out of my control and I must live with that. However, there is still a lot I can do to make this an easier transition for everyone.

At this point in the game I am simply trying to allow students and staff to see me in the school. I am walking around before school, talking to students, going into the staff room to meet teachers. Overall, I want them to know that I am here. Now is not the time to come into their classrooms and start pulling out students. They have only been back to class for two days and I am unfamiliar to everyone. I feel that staff must first get to know me and what it is I do, before they will be willing to send their students to see me. I think that is reasonable. I feel it will be a while before they are comfortable enough to send students my way, and that is OK. Continue reading →

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

The Power of Parental Acceptance

Posted by: Anna Coutts on March 18, 2015 12:00 pm

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I recently re-read the award-winning book The Help. While the book carries many important messages, there is one message in particular that really stood out for me. It was the message about the importance of acceptance. I was struck by just how determined the main character Aibileen is to make sure the child she nannies grows up feeling good about herself. In order to make sure this happened, she tells the child daily she is kind, smart and important. Aibileen reflects on how she’s learned over the years the value of giving children messages of love and acceptance, as she has seen how too many pushes for change can devastate a child’s sense of self. It made me realize how powerful feeling accepted by a parent can be for a child.

Every parent wants the best for their child. They want them to be happy, healthy and successful. Most parents will bend over backwards trying to give a good life to their child. Unfortunately, sometimes in an effort to make things better, we inadvertently make things more difficult. I see it all the time – parents pushing their kids to excel at school or sports, convinced that pushing them will give them a prosperous life. They will fight tooth and nail with teachers to get their kids out of difficult situations and to protect their kids from perceived harm. They fear the emotional devastation that will be caused if their child doesn’t go to the best school or have the best friends or make the best team. They push for change because they believe it is what will give their child everything they want.

No one can fault them for their good intentions. They are trying to do something wonderful for someone they love. The problem is this constant push for the best often causes us to forget the power of accepting someone as they are now. Unintentionally, the message that is often sent along with the strive for change is that who you are at the moment isn’t good enough. This is of course not at all what parents intend. But unfortunately, it is often the impact.

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

The Loss of a Child

Posted by: Asa Don Brown on October 7, 2014 12:55 pm

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“To lose a child is to lose a piece of yourself.” ~ Dr. Burton Grebin

There is no greater grief, than when a parent losses a child. As a person, I had never truly experienced such a gut-wrenching heartache, until the day that my wife and I lost a child. As a therapist, some may think that I am trained to have “all the known answers,” but the truth is, there are no answers, quick fixes, or remedies to mend the heartbreak around the loss of a child.

The loss of a child is an inconceivable and it is an unimaginable experience. While my wife and I never had an opportunity to get to know our child by physical touch, perception, or smell; we had already bonded with our developing child.

MY DAUGHTER’S HEARTACHE

The day that we were told that our child had passed on, was the most egregious experience of my life. On this very day, not only had I lost my child, but my precious and tendered hearted Delilah experienced the loss of a sibling. At the time, my daughter was a mere 5 years of age, but her cry and her mournful spirit penetrated the very nature of my being. At that moment, I recognized not only the impact that this loss had on myself, my loving wife, but the dire impact that it had on my precious daughter. For me, the loss was like an ocean of emotions consuming my person, but it was further deepened by witnessing the breach of my daughter’s innocence. Furthermore, it was the tenderness of my daughter’s cry that pierced my heart and my soul. It was like I had experienced yet a second loss, a loss of my precious daughter’s innocence and my inability to protect her from harm that broke my spirit.

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Protective Factors Around Child Sexual Abuse

Posted by: Asa Don Brown on July 8, 2014 4:01 pm

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“The very first part in healing is shattering the silence.”~ Erin Merryn

While the awareness around Child Sexual Abuse, CSA has increased over the past decade; the prevalence of CSA continues to be a problem throughout our society. CSA has no economic, political, religious, cultural, or racial preference. CSA has, and does, occur in all aspects of society. The effects associated with CSA most commonly have a profound impact on the physical, psychological and emotional and general wellbeing of the individual. “The wounds arising from childhood sexual abuse take many forms, but they all represent profound changes to the individual’s experience and her (his) relationship to the world.” (Fisher, 2005)” (Brown, 2005, p. 21) For children, distinguishing between those you can trust and cannot trust is challenging. As parents, while we need to reinforce the goodness and purity of our children; we must also equip our children with effective tools to distinguish between good and bad behaviors, communications, and personalities. It is never too late to teach our children to be his or her best advocate.

ACTIVELY COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR CHILDREN

“It is a wise father (mother) that knows his (her) own child.” ~ William Shakespeare

As fathers and mothers, we need to actively listen. Active listening is the ability, the skill, technique, or an inherent trait whereby, a person is purposefully and intentionally focusing on the communications being sent by another person or persons. An active listener not only listens and receives an intended message, but is capable of paraphrasing what messages he or she has received back to the communicator. An active listener recognizes that not all communication is verbally spoken, but is often communicated through verbal and nonverbal transmissions. It entails good physical posture, gestures, and purposeful eye contact.

As an active listener, you will align your body towards the intended recipient. You may lean towards the sender or receiver, maintain active eye contact, posture your body in an open form, and be relaxed while nonverbally communicating. Active listening is also being capable of reflecting any verbal or nonverbal communication that is communicated.

As fathers and mothers, our active listening should be purposeful in our actions, reflections, and all forms of communications. We need to seek to hear the verbal and nonverbal communications being projected from the lives of our children.

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

The Beauty of Children

Posted by: Asa Don Brown on June 17, 2014 12:00 pm

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“The soul is healed by being with children.”
~ Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I was completely unaware of the absolute beauty of life until I became a father. Fatherhood has opened my eyes beyond my own imagination. As a father, I have learned more about myself, life, and the meaning of life; simply by viewing the physical beings gifted unto me. Children are the window to our futures and a beacon of light in a sometimes dark world.

As a father, I have learned to appreciate each moment that I am granted to spend with my children. Whether they are happy or sad, full of energy or laying down for a nap; I am amazed by the life that radiates out of their little bodies.

THE GIFT

“With children the clock is reset. We forget what came before”
~ Jhumpa Lahiri

As a father, we need to actively listen to our children. Fathers who actively listen will be the recipients of an unbelievable education, going well beyond one’s wildest of dreams. The gift of a child goes well beyond that most descriptive of words. Children are the essence of life. They are capable of proving resilient in the most troubling of times, and rebounding from the greatest of falls. They have an ability of bringing a smile on the gloomiest of faces. It is awesome how the very life of a child is capable of resetting our thought patterns, our mindsets, and our very outlook upon the world. The gift of a child is capable of completely changing our worldview and perceptions of life. Continue reading →

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Marriage Is . . .

Posted by: Asa Don Brown on April 28, 2014 3:27 pm

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“No sooner met but they looked; no sooner looked but they loved; no sooner loved but they sighed; no sooner sighed but they asked one another the reason; no sooner knew the reason but they sought the remedy; and in these degrees have they made a pair of stairs to marriage.” ~ William Shakespeare

As a husband of 17 years, I can inform you that marriage is a lifelong education. Marriage is the essence of life and it has an intrinsic way of wholly consuming every aspect of life. While the consumption is likely, the type of consumption can be a profitable experience rather than a drudgery.

Furthermore, marriage is a lifelong commitment. The commitment cannot solely be an individual endeavor, rather marriage is a joint effort. As a clinician, I am always amazed that the assumption of marriage is viewed from a myopic perspective, rather than a hyperopic one. Marriage is not a singular ideological framework, rather it devised of two perspectives uniting together to become one. While you can rest assured that your ideological views surely will cross, it is always essential to come to a place to agree-to-disagree. Moreover, while there are no perfect marriages, the highlight of every marriage is to strive for an unified best!

KEEPING THE LOVE LIGHT BURNING

“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” ~ Mignon McLaughlin

Marriage is an ultimate sacrifice of thyself and thy personhood. It is through the sacrifice that we learn to serve and to be served. Marriage is the best reminder of why it is important to love thyself. While many utter words of love, few completely understand the roots of love. Love is an intense feeling of deep affection, admiration, respect and warm approval. Without love, there is likely no attachment or affection. Nevertheless, you can be the best of friends and not be “in love.” Moreover, love must begin within you before it can be expressed outwardly.

What does it mean to be in love? Being in love is not a mystical experience, having hidden or esoteric meanings. Rather, being “in love’ is within anyone’s reach and is a response to reactions in our brain, but connecting to the “right” person is often the challenge. You cannot force a person to “be in love.” If you partner is not “in love” with you, then the likelihood of making that connection is null.

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA