Tag Archives: bullying

Echo Bullying

Posted by: Jonathan Delisle on August 19, 2015 10:17 am

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Echo bullying is a term I’ve developed based on both personal and clinical experiences. It is a phenomenon that occurs long after the bullying ends. It is an internal self-depreciation that continually underlies the former victim’s self-perception. The depreciating internal dialogue perpetuates the past bullying (usually sub-consciously). This internal dialogue is the echo of the bully’s message to his former victim.

Bullies direct hurtful comments or behaviours at you, and then you walk away and think nothing more of it or you may even try to repress or distort the memory of it while trying to convince yourself that you don’t care. Continue reading →




*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Adult Bullying: Codependence

Posted by: Jonathan Delisle on July 15, 2015 9:52 am

Before addressing the issue of breaking out of the bullying relationship, it is important to note that there’s an underlying dynamic that makes the process of ending the abuse so much more difficult: codependence. We’ve all had the experience of knowing someone in an obviously bad relationship, be it intimate, professional or otherwise. We wonder why he or she insists in staycycleing in that relationship. The answer seems simple: just get out. In reality, it’s not that simple. Both parties have come to depend on one another to meet certain needs; hence, they are co-dependents.

Dr. Stephen B. Karpman’s Drama Triangle is a good way to illustrate the dynamic of codependent dynamic of the bully-victim relationship.

From the point of view of the bully, we’ve already pointed out his dependence: he wants his scapegoat and source of narcissistic supply. But what is the victim trying to get out of that relationship? Usually, for the bully to change the dynamic: an apology, a change of heart, an awareness of the pain he’s inflicting, validation, etc… Perhaps the victimized one is secretly hoping that his abuser will become a rescuer, since there is no one else who seems to be able to save him, due to his isolation from all support. When all hope of rescue is gone, it is then that the victim either throws in the towel to accept moral death (sometimes leads to suicide) or snaps and attempts to take control and fight off the bully. Continue reading →




*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Adult Bullying – The Bully’s Strategies

Posted by: Jonathan Delisle on July 9, 2015 8:00 am
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Ever wonder why bullies get away with what they do to others? Sometimes they walk away with little or no consequences for their abuse. For those of us who have been on the receiving end of the abuse, how many times have we racked our brains to figure out how we let the abuse happen? The following points are taken once more from Mrs. Hirigoyen’s book, though the author doesn’t lay them out this wtunnel-vision-212923_640ay explicitly.

Bullying has three essential steps that overlap. Even though they overlap, there’s a progressive emphasis on each of these.

Seduction: This is the first step to get a hold on his victim. The violence hides behind flattery and intimidation. At the onset, its manifestation is passive-aggressive: sarcasm, non-verbal cues, manipulation, ambiguity, lies, etc. The victim comes to question whether the tension or conflict he perceives with the not-yet-obvious abuser is his fault, whether it’s in his imagination, or whether there really is underlying violence in the other’s actions or words.

Paralysis: The bully will do everything to cut-off his prey from any kind of support that could help break his hold (isolation). The observers to the acts of aggression will likely choose to walk away and turn a blind eye to those acts so as not to draw the hostility towards them. Unfortunately, the cowardice can easily be interpreted by both victim and bully as agreement with the abuse. Thus the victim begins to feel isolated and cornered.

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Adult Bullying: Under the Bully’s Mask

Posted by: Jonathan Delisle on June 10, 2015 8:33 am
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anonymous-438427_640Ever wonder why bullies bully? What’s their problem? That’s exactly the point… they are struggling with a problem. Bullying is an act of violence, and violence is an expression of anger. Bullies have an anger problem. Following Karyn Hall PhD’s thoughts (2012), the bully’s anger serves a few possible purposes: to protect himself, to control, and to connect:

Emotional Shield: Bullies fight hard to protect themselves from feeling powerless. As former victims themselves, they’ve had their share of feeling powerless. Anger is an empowering feeling that pushes them to break that all-too-familiar barrier of paralyzing fear.

Source of Control: Bullies fear to lose their victim as a scapegoat, which they desperately hold on to. Through anger, they can intimidate and manipulate others into submission to play the abuse game by their rules.

Safer Connection: Dr. Hall paraphrases Steven Stosny’s words on core hurts from his book Treating Attachment Abuse (1995): “He identifies core hurts, some of which are feeling ignored, unimportant, accused, guilty, untrustworthy, devalued, rejected, powerless, and unlovable”. These core hurts are the result of serious narcissistic injuries. They give rise to difficult emotions, such as fear, sadness, depression, vulnerability, etc. Anger then becomes a way of connecting with other people without having to deal with those difficult emotions.

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

5 Issues in Elementary Counselling

Posted by: Jennifer Morrison on June 1, 2015 9:01 am
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In my last blog I wrote about 5 things to consider when looking at elementary school counselling (http://www.ccpa-accp.ca/blog/?p=4194). This time I would like to look at what I consider 5 main issues that children deal with in elementary school. These issues (in no particular order) would be Bullying, Anxiety, Disruptive Behaviour, Friendships and Family problems. This is not an exhaustive list by any means, but I have found them to be fairly predominant in all schools I have worked in.

lonely-428380_640We all know that bullying is a huge issue in public education and the early elementary years is often where it starts. We all know the reasons why kids bully but what we have to do is work with the child to help them understand positive and negative behaviours and how they affect others. Telling a child they are being a bully makes no sense as they often don’t see themselves in that manner. Instead, work on positive behaviours and showing respect.

Anxiety, whether diagnosed or not, has become one of the biggest issues in school today, leading to low self-esteem, depression and sometimes school refusal. If we can work with student early on and help to develop positive coping techniques for students and parents we may be able to help decrease the likelihood of anxiety becoming overwhelming for students, staff and parents. Allowing students to stay home or have parents pick them up can cause serious and negative effects such as avoidance and school refusal.

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Adult Bullying: The Aftermath

Posted by: Jonathan Delisle on May 29, 2015 8:19 am
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Living under the influence of a bully is no walk in the park, as we’ve seen in my last post. To add insult to injury, the battle doesn’t end with the realization of what’s happening or the desire to put an end to the abusive influence. There are consequences to deal with in the aftermath of the abuse. In her book Le harcèlement moral: la violence perverse au quotidien, Mrs. Hirigoyen lists four steps to the aftermath of bullying.

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Shock: There is a crucial turning point in abusive relationships when the victim realizes what the bully was doing all this time. While being the first step towards liberation, that moment of enlightenment hits the victim like a tidal wave. From this point on, the victim relives every bullying moment in his/her mind, seeing for the first time the extent of the abusive nature of the relationship. This experience can be quite traumatizing. With it comes turbulence of emotions: hurt, helplessness, humiliation, and eventually anger when the shock wears off. Continue reading →




*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Adult Bullying: Under the Bully’s Influence

Posted by: Jonathan Delisle on May 13, 2015 12:47 pm
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This blog post on bullying has to do with the short-term effects that bullying has on the victims while under the bully’s influence.  The points I will be explaining are taken from Marie-France Hirigoyen’s book “Le harcèlement moral: la violence perverse au quotidien”.  Although the points are mainly hers, I will be explaining them in my own words. The following points are tell-tale signs that we, counsellors, may have a victim of bullying sitting in front of us.

Standing Down: Victims of bullying generally stand down out of fear of undesired consequences: retaliation, break up, guilt-trip, humiliation, loss, etc.  The bully will use this fear as leverage, thus mentally paralyzing his victim.

Confusion:  Most of the bullying is passive-aggressive and ambiguous at the onset, which leaves room to doubt the aggressive nature of the actions committed or the woalone ballrds spoken.  As a result of the confusion, it is not uncommon over time for the individual to experience poor concentration, frequent loss of train of thought, delayed reactions, reduced ability to perform complex intellectual activities, etc.

Self-doubt:  The bully sees to it that the victim think that he is guilty about what happens and yet feel powerless to do anything about it.  Self-doubt in the face of the violence suffered creates paralyzing confusion. As the victim becomes defenseless, he also becomes the scapegoat upon whom the aggressor puts all of his own insecurities, faults, flaws, etc…
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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Adult Bullying: It’s a Reality

Posted by: Jonathan Delisle on April 29, 2015 2:52 pm
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If you were to ask your clients what bullying is, some would identify events where they felt violated or pushed around by others. Some would recall an incident that made them feel targeted by others. Still some would think of specific people with whom they had negative experiences. Many would probably think back to that school bully. We’ve all experienced bullying and can say something about it, but it’s not easy to define it. It has a source. It has consequences. It has patterns.

Bullying isn’t a problem that exists in schools and children’s lives only. It is a problem that is very much present in the adult world. Anyone is capable of bullying, regardless of age, maturity, beliefs, or moral values. “Sometimes it looks different or is called by different names: sexual harassment, stalking, workplace aggression, or scapegoating. But like in childhood, bullying is one person controlling or harming someone else by use of power.” (Harmon, 2012)   As counsellors and psychotherapists, we deal mostly with the aftermath of the abuse.

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Bullying

Posted by: Asa Don Brown on October 24, 2012 11:22 am
6 Replies

Bullying is in simple; hate or loathing of one’s self or life projected upon the life of another.   Rarely have I had a patient / client who bullied that felt “good” about his/her bullying.  If so, I found that this individual had such an unawareness of his/her own person that the “goodness” being experienced was a perverted happiness rather than a real joy or adulation. 

The grave effect of bullying in our youth lasts long into adulthood.  Bullying acts as a cancer of the mind, soul, and spirit.   It is one of the greatest depravities of the human condition.  Bullying corrupts not only the mind, thoughts, and spirits of its intended victims, but moreover, it has an equally dire effect on the perpetrator enacting it. 

Bullies are neither happy nor content with their lives.   Bullies are reconciled that “life” will not improve, thus there is an awkward sort of coexistence between the bullies and their instrument of hate.  Bullies are most certainly victims themselves. 

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

To Be A Bully

Posted by: Asa Don Brown on June 1, 2011 9:46 am
14 Replies

A bully is someone who feels empowered or strengthened by using force, intimidation, teasing, name calling, scare tactics, violence or threats to achieve a desire.   A bully is someone who feels superior or inferior. Their sense of superiority or inferiority can be derived from a variety of areas including their own personal IQ (intellectual quotient – whether high or low); belonging to a particular clique or organization; a religious order; their personal status or their families status in a community; economic standing; or in any other area whereby they feel a sense of superiority or inferiority in relationship to another being.

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA