Two years ago, Amy Chua author of\u201d Battle Hymn of Tiger mother\u201d stirred up a heated debate about the Eastern parenting vs the Western parenting<\/p>\n
For immigrant parents this raises an important question that requires conscious reflection and deliberation: how do we parent? Some argue that we should not judge the different approaches, only the outcome counts. Yet as responsible parents, we do want to assess the potential outcomes of each approach. Parenting is not only an art , it is also a science.<\/p>\n
\u2018Spirited Child\u2019 is a label that Mary Kurcinka gives to the \u2018difficult child\u2019. Naming is the way we view our child, when we name them as difficult, they become a problem; while when we name them as \u2018Spirited Child\u2019, we see them as gifted. This is a strength based approach.<\/p>\n
In her book, \u2018Raising your Spirited Child\u2019 Mary Kurchina illustrates the nine types of temperaments of a \u2018spirited child\u2019. \u00a0Through vivid examples and a refreshingly positive viewpoint, Mary Kurcinka offers parents strategies for handling their spirited child. \u00a0The description of spirited child reminded me of Amy Chua\u2019s portrayal of her second daughter Lulu in \u2018Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother\u2019. Lulu exhibited many of the characteristics of a spirited child. For instance, she displays high levels of persistency, intensity, and perceptiveness\u2026 I wonder, if Amy Chua had understood her daughter\u2019s temperaments from this viewpoint, would she have treated her second daughter differently, with less harshness.<\/p>\n
As Mary said \u201cidentifying your child\u2019s temperamental traits is like taking an X ray. It helps you to understand what is going on inside of your child so you can understand how he is reacting to the world around him and why. Once you understand the reasons behind his response, you can learn to work with them.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Amy Chua, author of \u201cBattle Hymn of the Tiger Mom\u201d, is a mother of two daughters and a professor from Yale University. Although Amy Chua was born and raised in America, she insisted that she would apply a traditional Chinese parenting approach, a style which is rigid and strict. \u00a0She demanded excellence from her daughters. For instance; they could not attend a sleepover, have a play date, watch TV or play computer games, be in a school play or get any grade less than an A.<\/p>\n Many people have criticized Ms Chua\u2019s dictatorship style of parenting. But Amy Chua says that was the way her parents raised her and her three sisters. And all of them felt grateful for what their parents had given them. \u00a0Her diligent and rigid approach only backfired with her second daughter Lulu. At the age of 13 Lulu\u2019 rebelled against her mother\u2019s demands. This took the form of shouting at her mother in public \u201cI hate my life! I hate you!\u201d \u00a0It was at this point that Ms Chua says she decided to retreat.<\/p>\n On the one hand we do \u00a0admire Amy Chua\u2019s courageous \u00a0candor with disclosing her shadow \u00a0side of parenting, \u00a0and it is through her disclosure of \u2018 dirty laundry\u201d , \u00a0that we are able to know and learn \u00a0about her approach and reflect on \u00a0our approach. On the other hand, from Amy Chua\u2019s experience, we also learn that there is no universal way of parenting. One approach may work out well in one generation or with one child; it may not work out well for another child. As much as we want our children to be adaptable to the new environment, we, as parents need to be open minded and adjust our approach accordingly.<\/p>\n During the last thirty years, many valuable parenting books are available for today\u2019s parents, such as John Gottman\u2019s \u2018 Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child,\u2019 Dr Thomas Gordon, P.E.T (Parents Effective Training), John Gray\u2019s Children Are From Heaven, Michael Popkin\u2019s Active Parenting Today, and Mary Kurcinka \u2018s Spirited Child, and many more. \u00a0\u00a0We have gained more knowledge about the various behaviors, cognitive functioning, or their emotional needs of our children. Updated knowledge has helped us to better understand our children\u2019s needs at each stage of development, and their temperaments. As today\u2019s parents, no matter where we are from and where we are stay, we are able to be better equipped and \u00a0\u00a0do not have to rigidly follow what our parents have handed down.<\/p>\n Rachel Remen has a wonderful saying about gardening, and \u00a0it can also apply to parenting: \u00a0\u2018No master gardener every made a rose. When its needs are met a rose bush will make roses. Gardeners collaborate and provide conditions which favor this outcome. And as anyone who has ever pruned a rosebush knows, life flows through every rosebush in a slightly different way.\u2019<\/p>\n Hailing Huang , MA<\/p>\n