In 2011, Amy Chua, a Yale University professor published \u201cBattle Hymn of the Tiger Mother\u201d, a memoir that describes her parenting journey. \u00a0Her claim that her Chinese parenting is superior to Western ways stirred up disputes in Mainland China, America, Australia, England and Canada. Many news channel such as TODAY, Channel4News, ABCNews, CNN, 60 Mintues and The Agenda with Steve Paikin all discussed Amy Chua\u2019s parenting approach. She pointed out that childhood is not merely for the experience of happiness, it is a process of training to prepare for the future marketing demands. \u00a0After the book was published, the reactions from the audiences were mixed. However, most of the response \u00a0from Americans \u00a0were negative, they regarded Amy Chua\u2019s parenting style is overly rigid, \u00a0lacking respect for \u00a0children\u2019s human rights \u00a0and neglecting children\u2019s emotional needs.<\/p>\n
While when I finished Amy Chua\u2019s \u201cBattle Hymn of the Tiger Mother\u201d for the first time, I was furious. My initial reaction was this is typical emotional abuse, isn\u2019t it? Her rigid approach violates basic human rights: in a democratic society everyone, including children, has the right to express their opinions; parents should be considering child\u2019s nature, capacity when assigning appropriate tasks. However, Amy Chua\u2019s demanding that her daughter spend three hours practicing her piano per day, no play dates, no sleep over, and A grades in all subjects, these extremely rigid rules\u00a0certainly categorizes her approach as an autocratic parenting style: THE DICTATOR. According to Michael Popkin\u2019s definition, the dictator exerts absolute control, all powerful in dictating the lives of her children. There is little or no room for children to question, challenge or disagree.<\/p>\n
However, my furious feelings towards her subsided gradually after I read her book for the second and third time. \u00a0Since, being a Chinese mother myself,\u00a0 deep down on many perspectives, my thoughts are in line with Amy Chua\u2019s approach, such as prioritizing the learning, valuing discipline, following routine, respect for the elderly etc. \u00a0In order to further understand Amy Chua\u2019s parenting approach, and the traditional Chinese way of child rearing, I would like find out what the core values are behind all of those actions. Since her approach does represent the parenting style for the majority of people of Chinese descent.<\/p>\n
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Chinese parenting concepts and practices are influenced by Chinese culture norms such as Confucianism, Daoism, and Buddhism, and guide behaviors and social interactions. Many scholars had attempted to explore those values (Chao R. K. & Aque C. 2009; Xu Y. Farver \u00a0A. M J., Zhang Z., Zeng Q., Yu L. & Cai B. 2005 ; Gorman \u00a0C. J. 1998; Shek D. 2007; Sim T., Hu C., 2009 ; Tews L., Merali N., 2008; Chao K. R., 1994; Bond M. 1998; Chan S.M., Bowes J., & Wyver S., 2009.) From their writings, five core fundamental Chinese parenting virtues are evident.<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 First, Begin with the end in mind, education is the first priority. The Western concept of childhood is that it is the time for enjoying being a child; exploring, playing, and being happy are their main tasks. \u00a0However, for Chinese parents, childhood is the preparation for the adulthood. Skills training should start as early as possible. The urge to prepare for the future is always the most important concern. \u00a0The underlying message is that the world is a place full of competition; you have to prepare yourself in order to enter and sustain your position in the future.<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Second, Given that education is the top priority, discipline becomes the key to bringing out the best results in education. \u00a0No play dates, no sleepovers, extra homework, A grades etc. become customary practices. \u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Third, the relationship between child and parent is \u00a0\u00a0\u201cfilial Piety\u201d, which indicates that children have the obligation to listen, to obey, and parents have the right to teach, guide, and care. This traditional relationship easily leads to a dictator type of parenting style: parents have the authority to make decisions; there is no room for the children\u2019s opinion or disagreement in decisions that affect their lives.<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Fourth, the type of\u00a0 boundaryless relationship between parent and child is one of the fundamental differences between the Eastern and the Western. In the East, the boundary between the child and parent is blurry. The Chinese parent regards the child as their extension; child\u2019s issues are taken as their issues, and the child\u2019s future as their future. Children are seen as an extension of their parents. The Westerner approach emphasizes individualism: the Easterner, the collectivism. It is upon this prerequisite that the Chinese base their collective identity and Chinese parents devote themselves unconditionally in time, energy and money to cultivate their children\u2019s strengths. \u00a0We can see this in Amy Chua\u2019s case, she literally walked every step with her children, and she participated at every turn in her children\u2019s training, even when they were practicing either piano or violin; she wrote out instructional notes for them. We see that she had played many roles in her daughter\u2019s life: \u00a0\u00a0coach, caregiver, mother, and teacher. \u00a0\u00a0 She experienced every step of struggle, triumph, up and down emotionally with her daughters. There is no distinction between what is her dream, or her effort and her children\u2019s dream or effort. \u00a0She does devote herself unconditionally, and the boundary between the daughters and the mother\u2019s responsibility and rights are blurry.<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Fifth, strong emphasis was laid on valuing family ties, and the relationship within the family circle. As per Chinese traditional teaching, it is each member\u2019s duty to maintain the harmony among family members. \u00a0In Eastern culture, it is a virtue to restrain one\u2019s own desire for the sake of honoring the duty. \u00a0The ability to tolerate the resulting resentment and carry out the social duty is regarded as the \u2018etiquette\u2019 – \u201cLI\u201d \u00a0\u00a0the highest virtue. For example, Amy Chua did not get along with her mother in-law, and her Jewish, American husband didn\u2019t suggest taking in his mother to live with them, but Amy Chua insisted on it when her mother in-law was in need. \u00a0This is the example of her concept of duty, that fulfilling her duty was more important than how she felt towards her mother in-law.<\/p>\n
It seems that Chinese parenting culture is future oriented. Preparing and anticipating for the future\u2019s demand is one of its tenants. \u00a0The traditional \u2018filial Piety \u2018relationship may lead to a Dictator Type of parenting style. The boundaryless relationship between the child and parent may also violate the Western concepts about individual rights. Being Chinese, I see the value in emphasizing learning and education, respect for elders, and the fulfillment of social duty. Figuring out the core Chinese traditional parenting values could help us to understand Amy Chua\u2019s parenting approach more compassionately.<\/p>\n
Certainly, we do see from the reading that Amy Chua had lost her temper many times, misunderstood the situation or her children, judged before understanding, didn\u2019t listen, and acted unwisely. But one vital aspect of her approach is that she is constant in learning from her mistakes. \u00a0As Stephen Covey says, good families \u2013 even great families are off track 90 percent of the time. \u00a0The key is they learn from the mistakes and keep coming back to it again and again. So it was not surprising \u00a0to see that with all her \u201charsh\u201d parenting, Amy Chua\u2019s \u00a0daughter \u00a0turned out to be mentally, emotionally, physically healthy and happy.<\/p>\n
Amy Chua\u2019s parenting case does raise a question for the counsellor: how do we \u2013 the Westernized counsellor\/therapist assess Amy Chua\u2019s parenting style? \u00a0Are the terms \u201cAuthoritarian\u201d, \u201cDictator\u201d, or \u201cBrick wall\u201d \u00a0\u00a0able to describe it? \u00a0It seems Amy Chua\u2019s parenting concept and style is based upon collectivism. So can we apply Westernized parenting style to justify her approach?\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Since most \u00a0of the Western parenting styles or approaches are based on the individual identity \u00a0in the context of \u00a0democratic society ( Baumrind \u00a01971, \u00a0Coloroso 2001 , \u00a0Popkin 1993), \u00a0then\u00a0what will be the \u00a0best \u00a0parenting approach \u00a0in the \u00a0collectivist \u00a0parenting context?<\/p>\n
As parents who live in the West and still maintain the Eastern mentality, how well do we adjust ourselves, what strategies do we apply in parenting? As a counsellor, the pertinent questions to ask or ponder are: what kind of social or culture values and parenting system that could we rely upon?\u00a0<\/p>\n