{"id":44361,"date":"2023-04-05T12:14:21","date_gmt":"2023-04-05T16:14:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.ccpa-accp.ca\/?p=44361"},"modified":"2023-04-05T12:20:12","modified_gmt":"2023-04-05T16:20:12","slug":"our-words-what-is-said-and-how-they-ring-home","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ccpa-accp.ca\/fr\/our-words-what-is-said-and-how-they-ring-home\/","title":{"rendered":"<strong>Our Words, What Is Said and How They Ring Home<\/strong>"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.ccpa-accp.ca\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/CC_Our-Words_Barry-Dsousa.png\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1024\" height=\"375\" src=\"https:\/\/www.ccpa-accp.ca\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/CC_Our-Words_Barry-Dsousa-1024x375.png\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-44362\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.ccpa-accp.ca\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/CC_Our-Words_Barry-Dsousa-1024x375.png 1024w, https:\/\/www.ccpa-accp.ca\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/CC_Our-Words_Barry-Dsousa-300x110.png 300w, https:\/\/www.ccpa-accp.ca\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/CC_Our-Words_Barry-Dsousa-768x281.png 768w, https:\/\/www.ccpa-accp.ca\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/CC_Our-Words_Barry-Dsousa-1536x562.png 1536w, https:\/\/www.ccpa-accp.ca\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/CC_Our-Words_Barry-Dsousa.png 1640w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" \/><\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-align-left wp-block-paragraph\"><\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"section section--text-block\">\n  <div class=\"wrapper\">\n    <p style=\"text-align: left\">\u201cSo the harmony is hard to come by this past week?\u201d I said to client #1. The next week, he came back quite upset as he had upset his wife \u2013 he had taken home the question and spoke to the \u2018harmony\u2019 with his wife !\u00a0 Sessions later, he reported his wife was upset with me.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t say it as such, but I presumed that she felt I was putting ideas about harmony into his head.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: left\">\u201cJust now, when you said you wish for the strength to not cower, I had this picture of you pulling out and cracking open a can of spinach!\u201d I shared with client #2.\u00a0 He laughed and motioned to do the emptying of the can and gulping like Popeye.\u00a0 Needing some strength at the right moment, a confidence booster.\u00a0 Within a few sessions he was more at ease with the fact that he was \u201cworking up to it\u201d, building his courage, wanting to confront his fear so that he could be in contact with her.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: left\">The things that pass through the mind.\u00a0 The things we say to our clients!\u00a0 The things we say &#8211; part of our presence and engagement; part of our \u201ccountertransference\u201d in the lexicon of some; part of our appreciation of what is seeming to be the case, the reality.\u00a0 The things we say &#8211; part of the imaginal effort to connect that which in the layering of experience are potentially useful ways clients might see the things.\u00a0 And how do we know when it is skillful use of ourselves, when we share back with clients?<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: left\">These two clients I reference, male, both in the \u2018young old\u2019 of early retirement, were both similarly confronting themselves as partners, similarly experiencing their wives as \u201cscary\u201d, both for valid, but different reasons. \u00a0Both clients were taking therapy in the good stride of personal exploration and open to insights on how to make shifts in how they are and what they want to live or are not wanting to live in their relationships anymore.\u00a0 Both had a sense of humour and seemingly feeling humour helpful to ease toward the not so easy of themselves or of life situations at home. Both were open to seeing the relevance of the \u2018not-so\u2019 adaptive child, in Terry Real perspectives, at work in themselves or in their partners, in their couple dynamic.\u00a0 This background I hope is a little helpful to what I want to say about the things we say to clients, how we say them and when we say them.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: left\">I gave voice to those two passing thoughts and as such they became interventions with a powerful impact.\u00a0 I don\u2019t see client #1 anymore and my guess is because I might have helped bring out that which was there, that which he couldn\u2019t quite get out himself, and perhaps he as regards to his couple, was not wanting to topple the balance.\u00a0 I think as a therapist that sometimes we are performing a \u201cconversational analysis\u201d, something linguistic anthropologists do as they aim to understand semantic meaning. \u00a0Reading between the lines, a practice that one can do responsibly, checking-in for resonance.\u00a0 As therapists, we help clients hear themselves, their feelings and put words towards a fuller awareness. \u00a0Typically, and humbly I should say, I feel good about the ease, comfort and safety of the space that I construct with clients.\u00a0 I have come to trust how I am with clients, what I want to try to say, how I might come out with it, the \u201crelational\u201d sharing of my experience of the client.\u00a0 But how do I know sometimes?<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: left\">\u2018I really enjoyed that \u2018trying to build up my faith in myself\u2019 from last time, client #2 said and he had softened his view from the high-pressured one, where he was \u201cpathetic\u201d and \u201cfrozen\u201d, and kept having secondary emotion states of being upset at himself for not being able to do what his wife wanted him to, that is to stay in contact with her, no matter what, \u2018til death do us part\u2019.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: left\">I finish this blog reflection by sharing some ancient wisdom about \u201cright speech\u201d, coming from my life practice as Buddhist.\u00a0 I note what I say in my clinical notes! I note what I found myself wanting to say, but, didn\u2019t!\u00a0 I read over my notes in prep for the next session and submit what I \u201cdid\u201d or \u201cdidn\u2019t say\u201d to the following reflective self-query:<\/p>\n<ol>\n<li style=\"text-align: left\"><strong>Is it Factual and True?<\/strong><br \/>\n-This is 1<sup>st<\/sup> person client, 2<sup>nd<\/sup> person therapist, 3<sup>rd<\/sup> person \u2018objective\u2019 to get at the factual\/true axis<\/li>\n<li style=\"text-align: left\"><strong>\u00a0Is it Divisive? Or Will it be Connecting?<br \/>\n<\/strong>-Can our speaking promote harmony, good feeling of connection or understandin<\/li>\n<li style=\"text-align: left\"><strong>Is it Harsh? Or is it Gentle?<\/strong><br \/>\n-Want \u2018kindness\u2019 to be intention-orientation and to abandon speech that isn\u2019t \u2018heartful<\/li>\n<li style=\"text-align: left\"><strong>Is it Beneficial?<\/strong><br \/>\n-The acronym WAIT or \u2018Why Am I Talking?<\/li>\n<li style=\"text-align: left\"><strong>Is it the Right Time to Speak?<\/strong><br \/>\n-The proper time is linked to compassion for the \u201cother\u201d and where the client is at and could take in what we would want to say.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p>By: Barry D&#8217;Souza<\/p>\n  <\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"author":1001030,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1569,29,1269],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-44361","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-counselling","category-counsellingandpsychotherapyincanada","category-counselloreducation"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.9 - 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