{"id":43399,"date":"2023-02-28T17:20:39","date_gmt":"2023-02-28T22:20:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.ccpa-accp.ca\/?p=43399"},"modified":"2023-02-28T17:21:58","modified_gmt":"2023-02-28T22:21:58","slug":"recognizing-the-subtle-nuances-of-domestic-violence","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ccpa-accp.ca\/fr\/recognizing-the-subtle-nuances-of-domestic-violence\/","title":{"rendered":"Recognizing the Subtle Nuances of Domestic Violence"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Domestic violence is never acceptable. What comes to mind when you hear the words domestic violence? Have you ever experienced any form of domestic violence? Have you been vicariously effected by domestic violence? For you, how would you describe domestic violence? In your own words, what would account for domestic violence? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Perhaps, you were the perpetrator of domestic violence. What erupted your emotional fuel-line? Do you believe that domestic violence is ever excusable? If so, what forms of domestic violence do you believe are acceptable? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you were given an opportunity to describe domestic violence, you might have your own personal slant on what is, and what is not. For majority of our society, domestic violence are \u201cextreme\u201d and \u201cintolerable\u201d violent acts. Ultimately causing physical harm or the possibility of physical harm. Yet, we often draw the line at the physical manifestation of violence. We seldom take into account many other forms of violence. When was the last time you considered economic abuse, cyberstalking, stalking, or verbal or emotional abuse as potential threats? Even the very threat of harm, may be considered a form of domestic violence. Nevertheless, we slough off certain categories as mere side effects of being with a particular individual.<\/p>\n\n\n\n


\u2022 \u201cYou don\u2019t understand them, like I do.\u201d
\u2022 \u201cI shouldn\u2019t have pushed their buttons. \u2014 I know better.\u201d
\u2022 \u201cThey\u2019re under a lot of pressure these days.\u201d
\u2022 \u201cIf I had only stopped, then they wouldn\u2019t have become so enraged.\u201d
\u2022 \u201cI\u2019ve should have respected their quiet time.\u201d
\u2022 \u201cIt was my fault.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n


The abused is often familiar with iStatements. \u201cI should\u2019ve, could\u2019ve, would\u2019ve,\u201d
becomes their poetic song. It is always about justifying the intolerable behaviours of their
partner. Reminder, there is never an excuse in abuse! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

For many abusers, they rarely accept personal responsibility. It\u2019s about feeding their own ego, desires and identity. Notably, not all abusers are narcissistic, but narcissism is often a common feature amongst abusive personalities. The abuser is often an expert of the word \u201cyou.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n


\u2022 \u201cYou should\u2019ve listened to me.\u201d
\u2022 \u201cIf you had only done what I had asked.\u201d
\u2022 \u201cI wouldn\u2019t have become so enraged, if you had just listened.\u201d
\u2022 \u201cToday wasn\u2019t a good day for you to grow a backbone.\u201d
\u2022 \u201cI became so angry when my food wasn\u2019t ready.\u201d
\u2022 \u201cYou make me so angry.\u201d
<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why do we dismiss acts of violence? Why is it that we have created categories and subcategories of what is excusable and what is inexcusable? As a clinical psychologist, I have often felt like asking, haven\u2019t you read the fine-print? There is never an excuse for violence!<\/p>\n\n\n\n


What is it within the human condition that creates excuses? Why does the abused accept responsibility for their victimization? Research has indicated that victims of abuse are often preprogrammed to think this way from early childhood. What prevents a victim from leaving their abuser? Individuals who are abused, are not unlike hostages. It is not uncommon for victims of abuse to feel particular loyalty and strong feelings for their abuser. After all, many relationships start out seemingly positive. The abuser may have wined-and-dined their victims. The victim may have felt safe and secure in the relationship. Likewise, the abuser may not have been outwardly displaying such characteristics either. Research has indicated that elevated stress and other life challenges are frequently the catalyst driving this type of personality. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The abuser is seldom born an abuser, rather they are nurtured into abuse. Just like victims often seek out victimhood, so do abusers seek out victims to abuse. Publicly, it\u2019s not uncommon for the abuser to wear several different masks; pretending to be one individual for one group, while conveying a different personality for the next. The victim may be unaware of the abusers deep-ingrained personality.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What changes? The abuser may not have intentionally turned that leaf over, but one day, out of nowhere, the abuse begins. The relationship is no longer filled with charm, kindness, love, and affection, rather it becomes filled with envy, jealousy, violence, intolerance, and dogma. For many victims, they know their victimizer intimately. They have witnessed a different side to their victimizer. Was it a facade? Who knows, but they, the victims continue to believe in the way things were and that the abuser will surely return to their more vulnerable side. It is the victims relentless belief in the way things were, that prolongs their victimization.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Research indicates that victims often fit a specific profile. It is not uncommon for a victim of abuse to have been abused per childhood. In fact, studies have indicated that the victim may not have been the direct target of the abuse per childhood, rather having witnessed violence appears to be enough to leave a deep impact on the life of the child. The victim is not always raised in an abusive home, but this increases the odds that they will be preyed upon. Furthermore, abusers are not always raised in homes filled with violence and abusive personalities, but this too increases the possibilities that they will develop into abusers. Why does the victimizer seek out a specific prey? It stems from the knowledge that individuals with weakened self-images and self-esteems are more apt to cling to such a personality. Just like the animal kingdom, victimizers often seek out those who are the most vulnerable. It is at that optimum time that they pounce.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The research on the victimizer is quite stunning. Abusers are seldom without many skeletons. It is not uncommon for abusers to have been neglected and abused per childhood. They may have been directly abused or vicariously witnesses of abuse in their childhood home. While the childhood home is sometimes the catalyst, we must not blame an abuser\u2019s choices on their childhood. For at the end of the day, we all have an ability of making choices between right and wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Recognizing the Signs and Symptoms of Domestic Violence and Abuse
\u2022 avoidance of personal responsibility
\u2022 regular and frequent swearing and yelling
\u2022 withholding affection as a form of punishment
\u2022 abusive rhetoric and language
\u2022 gaslighting
\u2022 controlling and demanding personalities
\u2022 punitive actions
\u2022 restrictions on who someone can see and not see
\u2022 an inability to accept wrongdoings
\u2022 belittling and humiliating another
\u2022 threats of harm or the potential of harm
\u2022 the intentional degrading of a person\u2019s self worth
\u2022 an inability to show compassion or empathy
\u2022 an overinflated sense of self
\u2022 indications of excessive jealously or possessiveness
\u2022 obsessive and stalking qualities
\u2022 sexual demands or threats
\u2022 withholding access to financial accounts
\u2022 withholding access to transportation
\u2022 suicidality
\u2022 homicidality<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Please understand that you are not alone. Research has clearly indicated that in North America, that there are approximately 12 million victims of domestic violence each year. It is not uncommon for victims of abuse to feel isolated and alone. You are not alone. Physical and sexual abuse are not the only forms of domestic violence. Abuse occurs in a variety of forms including: physical, sexual, emotional, psychological and verbal abuse. Abuse is never excusable!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2520 Vestal Parkway East, PMB #177, Vestal, New York 13850 (206) 430-2611
Email:\u00a0dr-adb@asadonbrown.com<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

asadonbrown.com<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Domestic violence is never acceptable. What comes to mind when you hear the words domestic violence? Have you ever experienced any form of domestic violence? Have you been vicariously effected by domestic violence? For you, how would you describe domestic violence? In your own words, what would account for domestic violence? Perhaps, you were the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1001014,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[29,940],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-43399","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-counsellingandpsychotherapyincanada","category-traumacounselling"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nRecognizing the Subtle Nuances of Domestic Violence - L'Association canadienne de counseling et de psychoth\u00e9rapie<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.ccpa-accp.ca\/recognizing-the-subtle-nuances-of-domestic-violence\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"fr_FR\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Recognizing the Subtle Nuances of Domestic Violence - L'Association canadienne de counseling et de psychoth\u00e9rapie\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Domestic violence is never acceptable. 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