Empowerment is Drama-Free

Posted by: Jonathan Delisle on October 8, 2024 11:22 am

Drama promises freedom and empowerment but never delivers.  It is a never-ending whirlwind of arguments and emotional beatings that drain you of all life-giving energy.  It is like being in an escape room with unclear or misleading clues that lead constantly to drama dead-ends. 

We speak harsh or anger-inspired words thinking we will finally be heard, only to have the other person stonewall us or respond in kind.  We put the blame of our pain on others, perhaps demanding that someone fix the situation they caused us, but we never truly end up free from the aftermath of the drama.  We reach out to those who hurt us and try to reason with them, hoping for amendment or closure, only to end up on the receiving end of their aggression again.

Drama-filled relationships are disempowering relationships.  So how do we do it?  How do we break away from the drama?  It’s actually quite simple.  You walk away from it.  Responding to drama with drama is no better than fighting fire with fire.  It makes it grow.  When you walk away from it, you let it burn itself out.  Most of us don’t like the drama and we would love to put a quick end to it, but throwing ourselves into it to try to stop it is no different than standing in front of a moving bus.  We won’t stop it.  We will end up getting hurt and prolonging that dreaded drama.  We need to step off its path of destruction.

Let’s call the following the three steps of empowerment.  This doesn’t come from any book or article I’ve read, so feel free to disagree with me.

First, walk away.  Walking away from drama means to choose to not be in the victim role, even when being victimized.  It’s like choosing to be an observant rather than a participant.  If drama knocks on our door, we choose not to engage in the drama.  Can anything be worth taking the emotional beating that comes from drama?  In my opinion, it’s not worth it.  Drama is nothing but a source of interpersonal dysfunction.

Second, if we find ourselves sucked into drama, which happens to the best of us, we take the time to look within at the contribution we had in it, however small, and try to make amends if possible.  How could we have done things differently to avoid it?  There can be many reasons why we end up sucked into drama, but it’s not worth blaming someone for our reaction or our choice.  That’s a victim stance.  Blaming is to deny our own role in a situation or a problem, and by extension we become blind to the solution, or at least the aid, we can bring to it.

It requires humility and discipline to own up to our contribution to a problem, especially if we were perhaps not the initial instigators.  Once we understand what our contribution was, it’s important to make some kind of amends, be it as simple as an apology for our part in the problem.  Just be wary of taking responsibility for another’s part.  We’re not doing them any favors if we don’t let them take responsibility for their role in the drama.  If anything, taking undue responsibility will only reinforce the drama.  If we truly can’t think of any way we may have even inadvertently contributed to the issue, then perhaps there is some way we can defuse the situation.

And third, be forward-focused.  Keep your eyes on your goals and continue to work towards them.  Drama is myopic.  It keeps us in survival mode, fighting and fleeing perceived threats, thus drawing our focus towards our survival needs and away from our empowerment goals.  In order to thrive, we need to move away from just trying to survive.

So how do I know that I am not making the problem worse?  The pivotal point between being driven towards drama or away from it lies in whether we are in the Creator stance or the Victim stance, as David Emerald claims in The Power of TED.

Victims are short-sighted, focusing on immediate relief of the anxiety, but making choices that inevitably prolong and worsen the drama in the long run.  Anxiety is a survival state best suited to preserve and promote our life, but to live under its shadow long term like the Victim, it is crippling and disempowering.

The empowered person, the Creator, on the other hand, is composed, disciplined, aiming for the long run, striving to get things done well but not overly perfection driven.  Creators focus their energy where it is meaningful, kicking to the curb bad habits that get in the way of their empowering goals.  They see setbacks and challenges as opportunities to grow, unlike Victims who will see them as roadblocks that are keeping them from their own fulfillment.

Let’s remember that whenever we feel the relentless pull of drama, we have a choice to make.  We can be the Victim who will fight drama with drama, or we can be the Creator who will leave it behind, leading the way towards an empowered lifestyle and in doing so inspiring others to do the same.




*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Empowerment is a Relationship Dance

Posted by: Jonathan Delisle on September 19, 2024 3:51 pm
For those of you who’ve taken dance lessons, you know that a big part of learning a dance is mastering the footwork, especially when dancing with a partner.  In order to perform smooth and graceful steps, you have to be able to move in sync, asserting your steps and allowing your partner to assert theirs, always flowing and never colliding.
A healthy relationship is just like that: two individuals who welcome each other in their personal space, neither overstepping the other’s boundaries nor allowing themselves to be stepped on.  Two people in a healthy relationship can be vulnerable with each other, yet secure that the other will have their best interest at heart and never mean to hurt them.  If one of them does step on the other’s toes, the transgressor quickly and simply apologizes, resumes his or her place, and the dance continues.
A saying I’ve told many clients is that a relationship is meant to be a dance, not a wrestling match.  We’re supposed to work together to help each other flourish into the best version of ourselves, not beat the other into submission of what we think their role should be in our relationship.  It requires an ability to be ready to respond to the other’s needs, to be ready to compromise on anything except our very core values, to humbly admit when we are at fault.
My wife and I have a saying when tempers get tense between us.  One of us will invite the other to step out of the boxing ring and onto the dance floor.  Having taken Muay Thai classes as a family (a form a kickboxing), the image is real for us.  When in the ring, one tries to exploit the opponent’s weaknesses and blind sides to land successful blows.  The match ends when one wins and one loses.
The problem with the boxing ring approach in a relationship is as follows.  First, you see the person with whom you are meant to have this healthy relationship as an adversary or an opponent.  The trust is compromised and you feel the need to protect yourself from them.  Respect gives way to fear and/or anger.  Second, when one of you loses in the conflict, it doesn’t matter who won because the relationship lost.  You not only stepped on your dance partner’s toes, you threw them onto the floor, bringing the dance to a complete stop.  Someone got hurt, trust has been broken, and so both partners step away from each other emotionally.
Now let’s go back to the image of an empowering relationship being a smooth, graceful dance.  No relationship is without struggles, so it will never be this entirely flawless dance.  Still, even in the midst of struggles, we can continue to flourish into what author and speaker Matthew Kelly calls the best version of ourselves.
For whatever relationship in which we find ourselves, we can be an epicenter of empowerment for each and every one of them, thus being the best version of ourselves and bringing others to be their best as well.
As a spouse I can learn from the disagreements with my spouse to patiently listen to their version of the facts, to put their needs before my own when called for, to humbly accept and acknowledge when I was in the wrong.  As a friend, I can welcome unconditionally the other friend to vent their feelings or thoughts when needed, go out of my way when possible to make the other’s life a little easier.  As a co-worker, I can be this colleague who has my colleagues’ backs when the workload gets especially heavy, or this manager or supervisor who always tries to make the time needed to help others succeed or to validate their hard work when I could easily fixate on my own and let them be.  These are but a few examples or the myriad I could list.
If I take a look at any relationship in my life, and there are as many as there are people in my life, what dynamic do I see?  Am I engaged in this invigorating dance, or am I caught up in a struggle for dominance and control?



*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Empoerment is Driven by Love and Vision

Posted by: Jonathan Delisle on September 6, 2024 10:00 am
Every day is filled with opportunities and decisions that build this life we are building, like individual bricks that will eventually give shape to a structure, however solid or shaky.  Those decisions have direct and indirect repercussions on us and those around us, each one driven by the pursuit of what we love and the avoidance of what we fear.
People who are in the Victim role (as used in Karpman’s Drama Triangle) are people who live in fear, but they don’t always seem to be.  While some are angry at the world or a select number of people, refusing to take responsibility for anything and expecting others to rescue them from their woes, there are some who seem empowered because they work and move, and make changes.  They may even be living successful lives.  They may even inspire others to make important changes in their own lives.  Success, however, is not a necessary indicator of not being in a Victim role.  What makes them either a Victim or a Creator (to use David Emerald’s terminology in The Power of TED), is what drives them.
The Victim flees from his source of fear without a clear sense of direction.  We see this in the one who works for incalculable wealth, neglecting his loved ones or compromising his values in the process, always striving for that elusive sense of security.  We see a life of fear in the one who is stuck in a rigid routine while the people in need around him become invisible the moment meeting their needs imply straying from that routine because he is incapable of looking beyond that self-imposed strait-jacket like it’s some kind of safety bunker amidst a nuclear blast zone, like everything outside of that routine is deemed bad, unsafe, or substandard.
I had a fear-filled life myself when I moved from my hometown in my pre-teen years and chose to cut ties with almost everyone, Goliaths and people who were good to me.  I was hoping for a clean slate and a fresh start.  I did get that clean slate, but it didn’t make me as empowered and I would’ve liked.  I met some new Goliaths.  In later years, in my thirties, I reconnected with a few former hometown peers through social media, only to quickly realize that the way I had seen some of them had been really unfair.  They had been bystanders to what I had been through in those earlier years, but they were never part of the abuse itself.  I had failed to recognize good people in my life because I was too consumed by my wounds and self-pity.  Fear had driven me to dig some deep trenches around me to try to protect myself.  It’s a reflex I still have to this day.
The Creator, on the other hand, is driven by love and vision to attain the object of his focus that is always before his eyes.  The empowered person is vision-focused, unlike the victim who is focused on past injuries and injustices.  Empowerment is, in a way, to focus on what we want instead of what we don’t want.  Focusing on what we don’t want is like fixating on that rear view mirror while we’re driving.  Good luck staying on the road for long, let alone getting to your destination.
There is a line from The Power of TED that I really appreciate: “When you focus on those things in your life that hold meaning and purpose, your passion just naturally flows.”  As stated in a previous post, we are teleological beings.  In other words, we do what we do for a purpose.  Without a purpose, we become disoriented and unmotivated.  Think of a task or a job you’ve undertaken that didn’t interest you all that much.  How easy was it to stick to it?  Compare it to something you do that you find meaningful and fulfilling.  There’s no comparison is there?  Our hearts lie in those things that give us meaning and purpose, and where our hearts lie is what we love.
Now I’m not saying that every object of one’s love in the world is equal.  Sometimes what we pursue is nothing more than the opposite of what we fear because we are in fact living in fear… as I did.  I do believe that there is an order of goodness, that some things are better for us than others, but that’s a discussion for another time.
Take the time to consider what gives you purpose and meaning.  What are you doing that helps you move towards it.  Are there any habits or road blocks that keep you from it?  To end with an example, writing is something that gives me meaning and purpose.  I love the written word, but I had roadblocks and habits that kept me away from dedicating time to it.  With a few minor, yet significant changes, I now have designated times in my schedule that allow me to write a little most days, even if just for thirty minutes at a time.  Making empowering changes to pursue what we love doesn’t have to turn our lives upside down every time, but it does provide us with opportunities to thrive.



*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Empowerment is Letting go of Control

Posted by: Jonathan Delisle on August 22, 2024 10:54 am
Seeing someone know what they want and pursue their goals is admirable, but what’s truly inspiring is seeing someone do so in the midst of uncertainty, opposition, and doubt.  The empowered individual, or Creator as David Emerald might put it, is vision-focused, eyes always on the prize.  When the winds of challenges come blowing in, they are not deterred or swayed, even if their human nature will inevitably invite them to take an easier way that will seem less costly.
There are many acts of courage of heroic nature we can dream up in stories, movies, or tales from our history.  How about in our day-to-day life?  How about those small choices we will be making today that will require a certain amount of courage?
Truth be told, we have daily opportunities to make an act of courage.  When our cell phone rings and the caller display shows it’s that one person with an uncanny gift for sucking the life out of us within ten minutes of talking about themselves, we can ignore the call or answer.  When we are doing our monthly budget and are not sure how we are going to make ends meet, we can sit there and worry about it, we can avoid it with mind-numbing distractions, or we can proactively take steps to solve the issue.  What about when the demands of life are overwhelming and we want to give up and take a day off of all of our responsibilities?  Empowerment is to stick to the grind and tackle each of these elements individually in order of priority.
The list of examples of courage in daily life could go on indefinitely.  But, in my opinion, the greatest act of courage is to let go of control.  Life is full of uncertainty.  Every person around us strives to build a secure life for themselves and their choices have ripple effects on us, as ours do on them.  Sometimes their choices are outright detrimental for us.  Life is anything but still waters.  It’s turbulent and sometimes violent.  We come to realize sooner or later that there is very little that we have control over.  The anxious person fears that.  The empowered person embraces it with courage.
To let go of control, however, is not to give up.  It’s to welcome what life throws at us and to make the most of every circumstance we find ourselves in at any given moment.  In other words, it’s to roll with the punches.  Even when we feel concerned that one of those punches might knock us out, we stand our ground.  Some days it may feel like life is trying to beat you to a pulp.  That’s OK.  That’s life.  You can stand up to life and punch it back in the face.
Obviously, courage in our day-to-day life isn’t quite that violent.  The point I’m making is that you are never defeated unless you declare defeat.  If I get knocked down, I get up again, ain’t nobody gonna keep me down (admit it, you had a song starting to play in your head!).  No matter how often life knocks you down, have the courage to get up again and again.  In the words of the great Rocky Balboa, “It’s not about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward.”
Even though letting go of control has terrifying moments in this roller coaster we call life, breathe through it and remember that there is always an answer to life challenges somewhere.  It will be tempting to grapple for control when these challenges occur, so remember what you truly have control over: your choices and your responses to what life throws at you.  Don’t look for absolute security.  Rather, look for ways to make the most of any given situation.



*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Empowerment is Letting go of Control

Posted by: Jonathan Delisle on August 22, 2024 10:38 am
Seeing someone know what they want and pursue their goals is admirable, but what’s truly inspiring is seeing someone do so in the midst of uncertainty, opposition, and doubt.  The empowered individual, or Creator as David Emerald might put it, is vision-focused, eyes always on the prize.  When the winds of challenges come blowing in, they are not deterred or swayed, even if their human nature will inevitably invite them to take an easier way that will seem less costly.
There are many acts of courage of heroic nature we can dream up in stories, movies, or tales from our history.  How about in our day-to-day life?  How about those small choices we will be making today that will require a certain amount of courage?
Truth be told, we have daily opportunities to make an act of courage.  When our cell phone rings and the caller display shows it’s that one person with an uncanny gift for sucking the life out of us within ten minutes of talking about themselves, we can ignore the call or answer.  When we are doing our monthly budget and are not sure how we are going to make ends meet, we can sit there and worry about it, we can avoid it with mind-numbing distractions, or we can proactively take steps to solve the issue.  What about when the demands of life are overwhelming and we want to give up and take a day off of all of our responsibilities?  Empowerment is to stick to the grind and tackle each of these elements individually in order of priority.
The list of examples of courage in daily life could go on indefinitely.  But, in my opinion, the greatest act of courage is to let go of control.  Life is full of uncertainty.  Every person around us strives to build a secure life for themselves and their choices have ripple effects on us, as ours do on them.  Sometimes their choices are outright detrimental for us.  Life is anything but still waters.  It’s turbulent and sometimes violent.  We come to realize sooner or later that there is very little that we have control over.  The anxious person fears that.  The empowered person embraces it with courage.
To let go of control, however, is not to give up.  It’s to welcome what life throws at us and to make the most of every circumstance we find ourselves in at any given moment.  In other words, it’s to roll with the punches.  Even when we feel concerned that one of those punches might knock us out, we stand our ground.  Some days it may feel like life is trying to beat you to a pulp.  That’s OK.  That’s life.  You can stand up to life and punch it back in the face.
Obviously, courage in our day-to-day life isn’t quite that violent.  The point I’m making is that you are never defeated unless you declare defeat.  If I get knocked down, I get up again, ain’t nobody gonna keep me down (admit it, you had a song starting to play in your head!).  No matter how often life knocks you down, have the courage to get up again and again.  In the words of the great Rocky Balboa, “It’s not about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward.”
Even though letting go of control has terrifying moments in this roller coaster we call life, breathe through it and remember that there is always an answer to life challenges somewhere.  It will be tempting to grapple for control when these challenges occur, so remember what you truly have control over: your choices and your responses to what life throws at you.  Don’t look for absolute security.  Rather, look for ways to make the most of any given situation.



*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Discovering Peace in Difficult Times

Posted by: Asa Don Brown on August 21, 2024 3:15 pm

For me at least, life has seemed like a script straight out of a low budget movie. Humanity has endured so much in recent years, from the pandemic, to wars and rumors of wars, to our basic foundations being disrupted; it’s been a time of intense and immense change. Not only have we endured turbulence on a global scale, but at home as well. I’ve had friends who’ve lost loved ones, I too, have lost a few. My own health has waned at times, while I’ve known others struggling to stay alive. We’ve endured political and religious strifes. We’ve maneuvered a wave of geo-economic uncertainties, followed by a tide of humanitarian necessities. We’ve witnessed global disasters, riots, and an essential breakdown of our cultures. There has always been a sort of ebb-and-flow related to humanity, but these times are our times, and not something read in a manuscript from long ago. Therefore, how do you manage times of global uncertainties, strifes, and the reshaping and redefining of our cultures? Discovering peace in difficult times is not anomaly. It’s an absolute possibility! Whether you’ve struggled with your health, finances, job security, or some other personal hardship; there is a way of finding peace within your heart and mind. So, what is peace? Peace is the knowledge that no matter what is occurring within your life, you can find a sense of calm and personal tranquility. It’s that ability of being reassured that you’ll make it through the storm. There are many approaches to discovering peace within, but understand that such peace of mind, thoughts, and perceptions will only manifest through your personal efforts. So, how do I achieve such peace? Achieving such peace can occur through one’s personal efforts or it may be achieved through the guidance of a trained professional. Please understand that achieving peace will not eliminate hardships that come your way, but rather it can help you to endure and find calm in the midst of a storm. Storms are a natural part of life, but it’s how you face those storms that can make a world of difference.

RECOMMENDATIONS FOR ACHIEVING CALM AND FINDING PEACE
Please understand that there isn’t a quick fix for stress and anxiety, but through the daily replication of the following tools you’ll discover a more serene life. Likewise, many of these tools can be implemented by anyone, anywhere and at anytime. Please note that the benefits of such exercises increase when practiced regularly.

Deep Breathing Exercises.

There are a number of benefits from such an exercise. The key to a majority of breathing exercises is one’s personal comfortability, suitability and ability to isolate oneself for a few minutes. The ideal amount of time is approximately 10 to 15 minutes. Be certain that you are capable of stepping away from any momentary cares and setting aside all devices that may cause a distraction. The physiological and psychological benefits are numerous and they may include:
• reduction in tension, stress and anxiety
• improvement in focus and one’s overall clarity
• decrease one’s susceptibility to colds and other illnesses
• research has shown that breath work is capable of placing an individual in the moment and shifting them from past harms and challenges
• has been shown to create a stream of inner peace and tranquility.

Meditation.

It’s the type of exercise that can prove foreign to those that haven’t utilized it before, but overtime it’s capable of bringing calm, balance and peace. There are many benefits related to such an exercise, which may include:
• creating more awareness of the self, your surroundings and others
• decreasing stress, anxiety, and negative emotions
• it’s capable of lowering your resting heart rate and blood pressure

• improving focus and personal clarity
• immediately and unconsciously prompting you to relax in times of elevated stress
• it’s capable of managing physiological and psychological conditions.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation.

It’s through this mindful exercise that an individual is capable of reducing a number of physiological and psychological concerns. As humans, we are often unaware that we carry a lot of our stress in our muscles. The benefits of Progressive Muscle Relaxation include:
• it’s capable of decreasing stress and anxiety
• improving one’s overall cognition and mental health
• improving one’s psychological awareness of their physiological self and visa versa
• it may decrease issues related to bruxism, TMJ, and other orthodontic disorders
• improve issues around the neck, back, and shoulders

Journaling.

It is one of my favorite psychological tools, because it can assess our personal progress and provide significant insights into our perceptions, mindset, and
journey. Journaling can vary dependent on an individual’s comfortability and ease with divulging personal information. Please note, it is prudent that you are capable of sharing information within your journal without fear of retribution, intimidation or harm. In recent years, technology has made it easier to create a confidential journal. I highly recommend using software or an application that requires a password and biometric measurements (e.g. fingerprint mapping, facial recognition and retina scans).
There are many benefits related to journaling, they include:
• insights into an individual’s personal journey
• insights into an individual’s personal relationships
• improvement in one’s mental health
• boosts emotional intelligence, memory and mental health
• it’s an excellent way to strategize and plan for the future
• journaling has an unique way of reaffirming an individual’s self-worth

Daily Affirmations.

Affirmations are the ultimate supportive tool. It’s a tool that not only can have an incredible effect on your way of thinking, but on those that you interact with. Affirmations are the quintessential therapeutic tool, because it is derived from the individual. In my work, I have frequently started my patients off with basic prewritten affirmations, then I ask my patients to create their own. It’s this task that has the patient looking deep within their personal psyche. While there are a variety of approaches and styles, it’s the individual’s willingness to approach this with sincerity and acceptance that makes this tool a true success. In simple, affirmations are derived from quotes, statements, or ideas that reaffirm an individual’s personal self-worth, goodness, and acceptability. It’s identifying and believe the words that you consume.

Examples of Constructive Affirmations:
• “Who you are inside is what helps you make and do everything in life.”
~ Fred Rogers
• “Nothing can dim the light that shines from within.”
~ Maya Angelou
• “I am the greatest. I said that even before I knew I was.”
~ Muhammad Ali
• “Life is like a riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.”
~ Albert Einstein
• “Those who dare to fail miserably can achieve greatly.”
~ John Fitzgerald Kennedy

Please do not grow weary on your journey. Life is filled with many obstacles and remember they are begging you to go around them. Do not fret if you have relapses or setbacks. Life isn’t about obtaining some form of perfection, but it’s about enjoying each leg of the journey. Do not worry if you fail or succeed, because it too is about living out the experience. Focus on the process and the opportunity to learn more about you. Enjoy each moment and each encounter throughout your life. The good and the bad that occur are simply mile markers and not definitive of your worth or acceptability. Allow yourself time to heal and transform into the ultimate you. Being you is what it is all about. Nothing less and nothing more. Life is a journey and it’s how you approach it that will make all the difference.




*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Empowerment is Kintsugi

Posted by: Jonathan Delisle on August 9, 2024 1:58 pm
Brokenness is part of the human nature.  We feel, we ache, we bleed.  It is inevitable that we will break and hurt from time to time.  Let’s face it, this world is not always kind or gentle with us.  As mental health practitioners, we see that first hand.  It is our job to gather the broken pieces from our clients and try to make sense of it all and salvage what can be saved, so we can help put them back together.  The brokenness can never be undone, but that doesn’t mean these individuals can’t be beautiful.
Our world often looks at brokenness as a testimony of weakness, as if we should be trees that are able to bend under the weight of hurricane winds and bounce back fully upright, resist all fires unscathed, or be immune to all the destructive forces of this world.  But it doesn’t work that way.  We are all scarred.  We all suffer wounds.  It doesn’t make us weak or hopeless.  Rather, it is a testament to our strength and resilience that we survive and carry on.  This is a lesson we strive to teach our clients, and perhaps one we struggle to live up to ourselves.
The brokenness we find within speak of a resilience that carried them through life’s abuse.  A strength that kept them from falling apart, even when the world around them was crumbling and they feared they would crumble with it.  An ability to love that was able to let go of injustices suffered and hold on to their humanity.
Every individual’s broken pieces carry several lessons to learn and live by.  The one whose heart was broken by infidelity will value fidelity all-the-more and may be less likely to take a good relationship for granted.  The one who had to leave a good job because of a bullying situation will be more compassionate towards those being targeted by other forms of bullying, and will be more mindful of the type of work environment they choose to commit to in the future.  Let’s not kid ourselves, though.  Though these broken pieces hold the potential for a better future, the wounds are real and often give rise to anger and mistrust.  It is easier said than done and requires a lot of work to move passed the wound-licking stage.
The art of counselling and psychotherapy is to put those pieces back together into a new, beautiful and wholesome work of art, not unlike the Japanese art of Kintsugi.  Kintsugi is an art where one glues the broken pieces of a broken vessel with urushi lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum.  As a result, the broken pieces are framed and held together by veining of precious colors, resulting in a mesmerizing masterpiece.
To be empowered means that we can see not only others in this light of mended vessels, but ourselves as well.  The one person that is most difficult to see in this light is, in my personal and professional opinion, our selves.  Am I ashamed of my broken pieces or do I see myself as a whole and intact vessel that suffered and grew from the shattering experiences life threw at me?  Do my eyes see my mistakes as opportunities to learn valuable lessons I would not have learned otherwise?
As Nobuo Suzuki says in his book “Wabi Sabi”, the first lesson of Kintsugi teaches us is that “scars are not to be hidden – they are part of our story”.  Next time you see what seems like brokenness in someone, maybe even yourself, be curious.  What do those broken pieces say about your story or theirs?  What can be learned from them?  The answer to that question may surprise you.
By : Jonathan Delisle  MA, CCC, RP



*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Empowerment Is to Respond with Compassion

Posted by: Jonathan Delisle on August 1, 2024 12:58 pm

When you think of an empowered person, who comes to mind?  For my part, my first thought is of someone who is witty, sharp, undeterred by criticism or others’ negativity.  Someone who will be able to jump in and pull another person out of any predicament they wandered in, willingly or blindly.  We can imagine them as some kind of modern-day super hero.  In truth, though, I know that’s not the case.  Even the most empowered among us is still human.  We cannot empower another against their will.  That kind of relationship dynamic has to be a collaboration and a choice.  It requires patience to coach the slow to learn and change, generosity to go out of one’s comfort zone to reach others where they are, and introspection and humility to keep that all-too-human tendency to slip into selfish, emotionally driven impulses.

To use David Emerald’s word in The Power of TED, the empowered person is a coach.  They lead by example, but won’t do for you what you can do for yourself.  They offer you the encouragement, the nudge and, when necessary, the means to start making those empowering choices.  They recognize that the choice to start remains with the one being coached, as does the responsibility to follow through and persevere.  They are, for their part, cheerleaders and role models.  Those who do too much for you are not empowering as they are implicitly telling you that you are helpless.

We are meant to be that coach for those around us: our family, our friends, our colleagues, you name it.  We may feel wounded or broken at times, and yet even in our brokenness, we find beauty and wisdom, pearls of compassion we would otherwise not have.  We will look at this further in the next post.

It’s one thing to coach someone needing and wanting help, but what about our persecutors (to use Karpman’s terms) or, as I like to call them, our Goliaths.  The old eye-for-an-eye adage might seem called for against those who would want to manipulate or bully us.  Perhaps indifference seems a more for fitting response.  In my opinion, the latter is closer to the truth, but still lacking.  To remain at the indifference stage seems more like seeing our Goliaths as something not worth our attention or something broken beyond repair.  There is a certain amount of indifference needed to deflect their attempts to manipulate or overpower us, but what about the individuals who engage in such behaviours?  How should we treat them?

To be truly empowered in our relationship with them, I think we need to shift from seeing our Goliaths as broken, evil people, to suffering souls seeking empowerment in the wrong way.  We need to change the relationship dynamic on our end, and call them out of their overpowering mindset.  Just as they are able to influence us, so can we influence them.  Though our ways are more subtle for lack of violence, they can be just as effective.

Instead of giving them the response they are looking for, if we set boundaries to protect ourselves and refuse to respond in kind to their tactics, we are already coaching them in the proper way to be empowered by our own example.  If we do it with grace and kindness, we are most likely to stump them as people in this role usually expect others to respond in kind rather than with compassion.  Drama inspires drama.  However, compassion and kindness can defuse many hostilities, but it takes an empowered person to do it in the face of the one being hostile to them.




*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Restoring Hope

Posted by: Asa Don Brown on July 18, 2024 1:46 pm

Have you ever experienced that complete and utter feeling of hopelessness? Have you ever felt at odds or completely detached? Life can certainly leave us feeling an array of emotions with each negative encounter, loss, and challenge that we face. Sometimes, we may lack clarity and a comprehensive understanding of life itself. You may be even asking yourself: “What is the meaning of life?” and “Why do I feel so damn lonely in a world brimming with people?”


For the individual experiencing hopelessness, the onset maybe fleeting, or it may be a chronic issue that plagues the mind of the individual. You may have even experienced these feelings multiple times in the past. While hopelessness is not always comprised of doom and gloom, in many unfortunate cases, the doom and gloom are known to consume the person experiencing these profound feelings.

Hopelessness can appear in a variety of shades, lending many different perspectives on what it means to experience such a difficult time. Hopelessness is derived from our sense
of isolation, loneliness, and despair. It may be linked to a difficult situation, environment, or a particular set of events occurring in one’s life. Research has proven that many medications and our own mental health conditions can prove a catalyst for such times. Yet, not all experiencing hopelessness are facing an acute or chronic mental health condition, but rather, they may be facing a momentary setback that is causing them temporary distress, discouragement or dissatisfaction.

What is hopelessness? Hopelessness is that inability to find meaning, purpose or drive. No matter what you do, you are consumed by an unmistakable state of depression and despondency. You may even feel as though you no longer have a sense of meaning or significance in this world. Life and the experiences therein, may feel robotic and mechanically unsound. For many, it’s at this particular stage that you may have lost hope and a desire to live life.

We may feel alone, abandoned and completely isolated from the world. These raw emotions may stem from real life issues such as: the loss of a significant relationship, a chronic health condition, financial distress, monetary setbacks, global unrest, and the overall uncertainty about tomorrow. For many, life simply looses its luster.

This feeling of hopelessness begins to consume the very you, within you. Every minute may feel like an hour and every day may feel like an eternity. In the end, hopelessness is that feeling of separation and an inability to connect. To connect with life and to connect with others. During the pandemic, there were many who became chronically depressed, discouraged, and despondent. Life no longer had meaning or joy.

We often feel hopeless when life simply no longer adds up. When we lose that satisfaction of living life. In fact, you maybe incapable of pinpointing exactly what is missing, but there is something amiss about your void. The GOOD NEWS is, there is HOPE for your tomorrow. Life can once again have meaning, purpose, and be filled with a yearning to live. Your tomorrow does not have to be spent lying despondently in bed. Your life no longer has to feel bleak and without meaning. It’s definitely not easy when life presents you with such challenges. Whether these challenges are directly or indirectly
experienced, they can leave an individual with an overwhelming sense of hopelessness.

What can be done to improve my perspective and to eliminate my sense of hopelessness? My professional bias would be to recommend the advice of a trained professional, but I’d never deny that a trusted confidant and friend may prove affective.

Please remember that the feelings that you are experiencing are normal. Do not be at odds with your feelings or the need to acquire professional services. Consider using one or all of the following strategies, they may help you on your journey towards health:

  • active breathing exercises: establish a daily routine of deep and conscious breathing
  • guided meditation: consider reading, listening and practicing
  • practice mindfulness: mindfulness is a cognitive skill of being conscious and completely aware of our thoughts, feelings, surroundings, and person
  • affirmations: writing or reading daily affirmations
  • journaling: consider a daily routine of journaling — be certain to write a few positive aspects along the way.
  • self-awareness approaches: become intimately and cognitively aware of your feelings and emotions
  • triggers: be certain to acknowledge your triggers as they are an essential part of the recovery process
  • boundaries: healthy boundaries are an essential part of each and every relationship
  • goal setting: setting small and achievable goals
  • cognitive restructuring or reframing of events and situations occurring in your life
  • daily walks, routines and physical exercise.

      Naturally, feelings of hopelessness and despair can prove debilitating, but know that there is hope and that you can achieve a place of health and balance. Please understand that we have all had moments of discouragement, dissatisfaction, and disillusionment. Do not allow the circumstances of your day to define your meaning. Remember that such feelings are a normal aspect of life and there is nothing to fear. There are a number of therapeutic tools that can be acquired and they can help in your pursuit of happiness, balance and a more fulfilled life. Please note that trained mental professionals can help you to achieve balance, a renewed perspective, and to restore your hope.




      *The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

      Empowerment Is to Face Your Goliath

      Posted by: Jonathan Delisle on July 17, 2024 3:41 pm

      “We’ve all had experience of dreading interactions with certain people.  Your cell phone rings and you release a deep sigh when you see the name pop up on the caller display.  You’re walking into the office and you see that coworker with the uncanny ability to get under your skin, so you feel like dashing into the nearest room or turning around on the spot and heading back home.  You need to tell your partner news you know won’t be well received and your head spins from explanations to potential outcomes, dread rapidly filling the pit of your stomach.

      “Perhaps your experience is more dramatic than that.  Perhaps you deal with real-life bullies who undermine your self-confidence, isolate, or gaslight you.  Their very presence in the room is making you feel claustrophobic.  You feel tense and uneasy around them but you can’t quite put your finger on the reason.  These and the above are what I call Goliaths.” (beginning of the Introduction from Facing Goliath: Breaking the Bullying Cycle)

      Sometimes our Goliaths are real and ruthless, sometimes they’re merely perceived.  Regardless, facing them is no easy feat.  You try to remain calm but deep down you feel a whirlwind of scenarios play out in your mind, your imagination fueled by primal emotions that fight for control.  Your heart rate responds in kind.

      Goliaths present threats that trigger our survival instincts to fight or flee.  When neither option seems worth the risk, we freeze.  Think of it this way.  It’s like in the first Jurassic Park movie when they come face to face with the T-Rex who just broke out of its enclosure.  They freeze.  There’s no point trying to run for it, they won’t get far.  Fight it?  Yeah right!  So they wait until it gets distracted so they can leave.  Now thankfully we don’t come face to face with towering carnivorous dinosaurs, but our Goliaths are nonetheless intimidating.  Their voices get inside our head and back us into a corner mentally.  Then comes the tough decision: I fight (stand up to them), I flee (spend my time trying to avoid them), I freeze (take the abuse as if there was no other viable option), or I confront them.  Ideally, we would choose the latter.

      Let’s not confuse confronting with fighting.  Fighting, in this case, refers to responding in kind.  Two flames don’t put out the fire, they make it bigger.  It’s counter-productive.  It ends with one Goliath standing over the wreckage of the other.  Confronting refers to the use of empowering strategies that keep the toxicity of our Goliath’s influence out of our lives and out of our heads. 

      Like the image of David facing Goliath, we stick to those strategies that give us the mental upper hand.  In a contest of brute strength, David would have been crushed like a bug.  The use of his sling gave him the means to overcome Goliath before the latter could get close enough to do damage.  Obviously, I’m not suggesting violent means for handling our Goliaths.  In David’s case, his people were at war and he had no other options for handling the situation.  In our case, we need to neutralize the venom inside our Goliaths’ sting.  He will try to sting, but what is he going to do when he sees it has no effect?

      The key to facing our Goliaths is to not let ourselves slip into the victim role.  Now you could tell me that it’s not like you have much choice if someone wants to victimize you and you would be right.  You don’t have much influence on what people choose to do.  You do, however, have all the power to decide if you’re going to play the victim or not.  The Victim, in the Drama Triangle sense, is the one who lives at the mercy of people, circumstances, and conditions, as though these are the cause of his woes and the source of his unhappiness.  This type of Victim has an approach of “it’s not my fault, it’s not my responsibility” to the whirlwind of bullying he feels he’s been swept up in.  He blames his Goliaths for his unhappiness and expects them or some Rescuer to fix the mess, instead of rising to the challenge himself.  As opposed to Victims, empowered individuals are Creators, to use David Emeralds’ terms, who will rise to the challenge.

      One thing to keep in mind when considering our Goliaths is that we are teleological beings by nature.  We do things for a purpose.  Bullies or Goliaths do what they do to us for varying reasons, but mainly for control so they can avoid being hurt and victimized.  Problem is, their bullying actions gets them reactions that cause them to feel victimized, and so they repeat the same pattern to try to regain the upper ground and in the process continue to get the reactions, and so the cycle continues in a self-fueling loop.  Ironically, sometimes they enjoy that ongoing cycle because their actions cause predictability and thus gives them a sense of control.

      So how do we step out of that loop?  In a nutshell, we mind our reactions to our Goliaths’ tactics so we don’t fall into the Dreaded Drama Triangle with them, an art that has to begin from within.  We set and maintain the necessary boundaries to stop them trespassing where they are not welcome.  We let go of all injustices suffered at their hands.  To learn more, you are welcome to read my book or buy me a coffee and I’ll tell you all about it.




      *The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA