Sue Johnson (2008) well-known emotionally focused couples therapist advised that the Freeze and Flee “tango” between a couple, can follow the Protest Polka [see previous article]. As a couple’s therapist, noticing this “tango” usually indicates the couple has shut down on all levels. Most likely this couple has been struggling for years to reconnect and has given up. Johnson states this dance is seen when the couple has both shut down and are frozen in either a defense or denial state (2008). The couple is encapsulated in a self-protection mode denying they want or feel anything for each other (2008). For couples’ therapists, this will be challenging energy to slowly and gently peel through.

The couple may not be fighting as before, but show a politeness that screams coldness. This awkward kindness towards each other is actually an evolving detachment and withdrawal state. The default button for this couple is to deny, detach, and withdraw at all costs. If this maladaptive coping behavior continues this couple can come to believe the problem lies within themselves. The couple can get into a cycle of self-loathing and a rumination of negative core self beliefs. Johnson also points out this cycle of self-hatred is different than the other two demon dialogues (2008).

Fleeing the emotional aspects of the relationship is also a behavior that causes disconnection and distance. When a partner moves from feeling emotions to fleeing into reasoning and logical analysis or distractions it becomes a mechanism of denial. Couples who are distressed can revert to old maladaptive behaviors as a child who is holding on to a parent. Fears of loosing the attachment to a mate can conjure up the same feelings as when a child.

The “dance of distance” is surmised with avoidance of feelings, a sense of giving up, rejection and self-loathing (Johnson, 2008). An Emotionally Focused therapist can break through this “dance of distance” by helping couples understanding their behaviors and uncover how they impact relationships. Behavioral patterns (flee and freeze) need to be broken and a sense of hope instilled, as this couple journey back to re-establishing a bond. The therapist must also uncover negative self-talk, challenge the negative thinking by refuting and assisting the replacement of positive thoughts. The couples need to continue this work of refuting and reinforcing positive statements so the negative cycles do not restart.

The freeze and flee behaviors will stop over time as it is replaced by an emotional bond. The couple will need to continue to work together to be responsive, emotionally attuned, and safely connected. The therapist needs to carefully monitor signs of the freeze and flee pattern and if noticed immediately help the couple engage in exercises of emotionally connected dialogues. As an emotionally focused therapist there is always hope for every relationship as long as the couple is willing to do the work and want the emotional bond back.

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The protest polka is a unique pattern between partners that assures emotional detachment and distancing. The repetitive nature of this polka dance reassures partners that their emotional needs will go unmet. Why would this couple continue with this type of communication style when the outcome leaves them empty? Often, it is because the couple is unaware of this pattern and it has become second nature.

Sue Johnson, author of Emotional Focused Couple Therapy (2008), described the Protest Polka Dance as a maladaptive communication pattern that has one partner denying that emotional detachment exists, while the other person withdraws and protests their sense of disconnection. Johnson used the analogy of a partner banging on the door to get their partners attention, as the other person pushes the door shut. Johnson states this is a common snapshot of a couple engaged in the Protest Polka Dance.

When partners do not respond or get their needs met each person can feel humiliated, lonely, and unsafe within the relationship. The constant reaching of a partner towards one that is emotionally unaware, unavailable or denies this dance is even happening will eventually lead to a sense of emotional separation. This couple then becomes desperate and may resort to pushing each other’s emotional buttons and triggering unfavorable emotional reactions. Unfortunately, the emotional distance grows becoming reinforced and cemented.

As a couple’s therapist, the most important place to start is to increase the couple’s awareness not only of the content of their communication, but also the dance itself. The couple needs to understand how their responses or the lack there of, maintains habitual patterns and keeps them trapped. The Polka Protest Dance must stop and focus needs to be on building a bridge of emotional connection. The couple works hard to engage in early response and learn attachment language that generates safety and comfort. The therapist helps slow down these new interactional moments, to assist the couple in noticing their emotional reactions and windows of opportunity for strengthening connections. This is an ongoing process of practice for the couple in sessions and between to reinforce new skills and build confidence in each other.

Will the Polka Dance come up again? Of course it will, but with this emotional formula the Polka Dance looses its dance patterns as the couples emotional attachment gets stronger and stronger. No one is perfect and couples can resort to old behaviors. When that happens couples come in for one or two refresher sessions and any small gap between them is often easily closed and their back to feel emotionally connected again.

Danielle Lambrecht Counseling © 2017 Please engage in any comments.